I made the worst mistake of my life

My fiancé and I of 7 years just broke up because I am an idiot. I’m in a lot of pain. I can’t let her go. I’m just such an idiot. We’ve been long distance for awhile and she was getting ready to move in with me but not anymore bc It’s truthfully all of my fault and I did this to myself. I let my insecurities get the best of me by accusing her of cheating and I know that’s wrong and there’s no excuse for it. I know she would never do that but I just get so extremely scared and paranoid that somethings going on without my knowledge but if you met her you would know that she would never do anything like that. She truly is an angel. I’m just such an idiot. And I yell and cuss at her when I get frustrated and angry. I’m so ashamed. How could I have become such a crappy partner. I feel terrible about it and it’s all my fault. I don’t know how to communicate my emotions and I get so frustrated because I feel like I’m not being heard even when she’s listening to me. I just needed someone to talk to. That’s my reasoning for posting this. I made my bed so now I have to lay in it. I know she loves me a lot. I told her I would get therapy which I really want to but I just can’t afford it. I’m going to save up though. She said she would wait for me until I get better and work things out. I just love her so much. I can’t believe I ruined everything between us. But maybe it’s for the better. I’m not a good partner and I’ve only had a flood of intrusive thoughts that I’m going to hurt her when she moves in which I would never do but it just feels so real, it scares the shit out of me.

Username: Forever hopeful7Forever hope...

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 30w ago

I think you should take care of your ability to communicate and then see if you can patch things up. Come back as a changed person

Username: Tea and HoneyTea and Honey

Date posted: 30w ago

So don’t beat yourself up. Everybody has fights and mistakes and down days. That is part of being human. But in the end, you are worth it. And she’s worth it. So you resolve the conflict. Now the OCD is going to tell you that you made an unforgivable mistake and that you are an unredeemable person and that your life is over. Expect OCD to say these things to you. That is how OCD works. The OCD gives us no room to be human or live in grace. It is always going to tell you that you’re case is not like the others, and it is unredeemable. The OCD is going to make you miserable. But let’s talk about overcoming it so that you can enjoy your life more.

Username: AnonymousAnonymous

Date posted: 30w ago

I need her. I need to fix this. She’s everything to me. I can’t lose her

Username: Tea and HoneyTea and Honey

Date posted: 30w ago

Don’t worry. She still loves you. She said she is willing to wait for you. You haven’t lost her. You had an argument or fight or whatever. But if she truly loves you and is the right one for you, she will work it out with you and come back. And that sounds like exactly what she is doing. So you haven’t lost her. These fights can actually deepen your relationship because now you have to go deeper into each other’s lives to solve the problem. It has revealed to you how much you love her. It has revealed how the OCD is making you suffer. It has revealed a lot about you and about her too. Relationships are strengthened by shared pain and by knowing each other deeply. They are strengthened immensely by having conflict but resolving it—because in this process you learn that the other will love you unconditionally.

Username: Tea and HoneyTea and Honey

Date posted: 30w ago

Don’t worry about the HOCD (harm OCD) if you are with her. You are never going to hurt her. Harm OCD is VERY common. You are never going to hurt her. But that particular intrusive thought is just the theme that OCD has picked for you, probably because you value her so much. The OCD handpicks themes based on what people value. So when people value children, it picks POCD. When people value morality, it picks religious OCD. And so on. A good therapist can help you overcome the HOCD. In fact, HOCD is very well understood. And you can use well-researched techniques to help you overcome it. You might try NOCD because it takes most insurance and you have all the appointments over Zoom, so it’s easy. But if that doesn’t work, there are a lot of really good YouTube channels and online resources (and books.) Other people on this app might have recommendations for books. I don’t know of a lot books, but as for online, I recommend Nathan Peterson. If you don’t want to take his online course (which you pay for), you can watch hundreds of his videos for free. He talks about what a therapist would say if you were in the office.

Username: Tea and HoneyTea and Honey

Date posted: 30w ago

Finally, I want to say one more thing. I think it’s important to realize the level of suffering that you going through. OCD is excruciating painful—and that is on top of the pain you feel from the worry about losing your fiancé. OCD has been defined as the second most mentally excruciating mental disorder that exists. When we have OCD, we learn to kind of make it our “new normal” and we tough out so much that we shouldn’t have to tough out. We have to take a second to think about how much pain the OCD actually causes. If you yelled at your fiancé, that’s because you are under tremendous pressure from many elements in life. Most men would respond that way when they are under that kind of pressure. It’s a normal response. In summary, I think it will really help for you to acknowledge your suffering. And then to go forward in your learning about what OCD is and how it works. The experts know this disease inside and out by now. You are not alone. Everyone on this app knows exactly how you feel. And there is hope to get so much better!!!

Username: andread47

Date posted: 5y ago

Hey guys. I’m having a really hard time. Everything feels so hopeless right now. My girlfriend and I just broke up and it was the first time that I felt like I actually saw a future with someone. I hate that my OCD turns me into this insecure person and someone who constantly second guesses myself. I know it’s not the sole reason for the break up, but I hate that I can see the person I want to be, but can’t see to get there. Anyone else struggle with this? I feel like I’m stuck behind a chain link fence, and can see the good on the other side but can’t get there. I just wanna know I’m capable of getting there. Sorry everyone, just venting and looking for some support :/.

Username: Just another...

Date posted: 4y ago

18+ I was such a horrible boyfriend. I was friendly and flirty with other girls and I would always justify it by saying that I wasn’t cheating (which I never did). I also got super drunk during a family vacation and I don’t remember anything but I fear i may have kissed someone, even though my family has to me that I didn’t because they were with me 99% of the time. I realize however that it doesn’t take a physical act to hurt your partner. Flirting is just as bad. I don’t know why I was that way. I was always an attention seeking idiot. My guilty conscience led me to develop OCD. Now all I do is obsess over every day of my life trying to figure out if I did anything wrong so I can confess it to my partner. I wonder if I’ll ever be enough for her again. I feel so unworthy of her love. She is hurting so much and I can’t believe I caused her that pain. She tells me to let it go but I feel like she deserves to know who I was. She says she forgives me because I am no longer that person but I can fucking forgive myself. I’ve tried meditating and doing affirmations but it’s been months and I feel like I am tainted forever. I led her to believe that I was someone that I wasn’t. I told her I only had eyes for her but I still found other girls attractive and watched porn behind her back. I don’t know what to do. I don’t eat or sleep or do anything but be in my bed crying. I love her so much and I can’t believe I was such a piece of shit. I want to move forward but I don’t know how to. We’ve been together for over 5 years and I can’t believe I am just now realizing all this. I wonder if it’s too late. I’ve been an atheist for years and I’m even praying out of desperation. I hate myself

Username: Isabella G.

Date posted: 1y ago

I really need someone to talk to…

I am scared. I love my fiancé. I love everything about him with my heart and soul. I just feel so empty. I have ROCD if you haven’t noticed lol. I keep going in cycles and phases where I feel ok with my past trauma regarding my ex partner, and feeling like maybe the trauma is still there. If you’re asking now at this point if there’s any feelings involved- no. I don’t feel romantic feelings of the sort. But, I am so scared. I am scared to see this person in public, so I don’t go out. I am scared to think about this person because what if I am thinking about them because I want them? It’s triggering, and I always make sure to not ruminate. But, as I meditate and I do ERP, I find myself feeling more lost and more susceptible to the pain of it. The trauma does not pain me anymore, it’s the thought that I might never be able to give my fiancé the life he wants. So, now I have to contemplate giving up a future that I have thought about. Waiting to make the engagement public to my family, for absolutely nothing. I love this person, they have been pure and honest and open. I am young, still. What if I am just with the wrong person, and this isn’t the person for me? It’s all a facade and delusion the COUNTLESS times I have redirected my thoughts to just tell them “You’re wrong, I love this man.” As I sit here, on the verge of crying, I wonder…. Is it even OCD, or am I just a bad person for concealing the thoughts and not giving it direct attention? Most importantly, is the man I love the one for me? Or is it truly all a joke?

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