I messed up :(

Tmi warning I was being intimate with my bf and I kept getting the name of someone else pop up, but I didn’t feel anxious. Afterwards, as much as I tried to delay confessing, I couldn’t help it. I confessed. My bf was fine he said I probably didn’t feel anxious because I’ve gotten used to the anxiety and it’s okay, it doesn’t define me any more than it would if I was anxious. A few minutes later, he got upset and said that the confession kinda ruined a blissful moment. I’m so upset that my head feels so turbulent I didn’t even notice it was a blissful moment for him and could’ve been for me. I feel so awful. I haven’t slept in a day, I can’t stop crying. My bf is afraid that because this specific name keeps popping up, it might mean something and he feels less than sometimes because of it. I know I shouldn’t have confessed but I felt so safe that it was like a dam broke loose. I feel so awful. What’s worse is that I’m still scared it means something, I’m scared that my boyfriend’s fear is right. He’s very understanding of OCD and how it manifests in me and everything, I think I just kinda messed up a sacred moment and I feel so much guilt and confusion and just horrendous. I’m not even fully anxious. I don’t know what to do. I apologized a lot but I feel like I don’t deserve him and so selfish

mental Warrior

Date posted: 5d ago

I don't want to offer reassurance or anything but just a gentle reminder to look back at your initial inention behind telling him (it just sounds like you wanted to be honest) so yah, that's ot bad at all and I'm sorry, this happened but you'll figure out a way around it❤️.

issphra 🫶🏻

Date posted: 5d ago

@Arya age I did want to be honest, I’ve been managing my anxiety so well lately but being sleep deprived made that so much harder. I’m really afraid of being disloyal or disrespectful to my partner but I also think I talk to him about this stuff because he’s so knowledgeable on OCD and ERP that he often reminds me that these thoughts don’t define me and it’ll pass. I know it sounds like something I should simply remember but I’m *so* forgetful especially in distress. My psychiatrist believes it’s likely my ADHD. Thank you being kind and caring enough to mind not giving reassurance, it truly means so so much to me 💗 thank you

vivi !

Date posted: 5d ago

i’ve been through this before babes. confessing ONLY makes it worse. remember that the fact the you feel the need to confess means you care about him. but take it easy on yourself. remember that ocd will make something out of nothing. don’t get yourself stuck into a cycle of having to confess because it doesn’t benefit you, your boyfriend, or your relationship. i know it’s hard. but you know you have good intentions deep down. don’t let ocd take control of your relationship!

issphra 🫶🏻

Date posted: 5d ago

@vivi ! I know 😖, I’ve been stuck in a confession cycle for months and I finally started to get a hold of it about two weeks ago up until today. I think the lack of sleep got to me unfortunately, I really had been doing so much better before this relapse and unfortunately it was during a really bad moment too. Thank you for being so supportive, and sweet thank you 🩵🫶🏻

vincenzokeez

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 5d ago

Maybe you know the certainty and maybe you do! But also maybe you don’t. And that brings uncertainty

vincenzokeez

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 5d ago

Your BF is not going to know your struggles and understand them. You are going to obsess or do things that get you off and feel guilty about them. OCD is something that destroys relationships because of something deeper. He is human and has every right to deal and think what he does. Would you want to deal with you compassionately? No. I am in the same situation. Your BF is trying to understand. It is true. We have. Disorder. It causes disorder. We are not broke. But broke to what is normal. Honestly. I get it. I really do! It is hard for you because you can get off to someone else while being with your partner and feel the convincing truth that is very real and validated but probably not the truth because we have OCD. It is not going to be easy for your partner. But always remember it is not going to be easy for you because thinking about someone else and getting off is easier than being with your partner and it is true. And you’ll convince yourself with certain eveidence

issphra 🫶🏻

Date posted: 5d ago

@vincenzokeez His feelings are absolutely valid and it’s why I was beating myself up so bad for having confessed and caused him confusion and hurt. He’s super understanding and so knowledgeable about this disorder but yes he’s human, and this is our relationship, something very dear to him as well as me. I understand some of things will shake him regardless of how much he understands. I was honestly very afraid it wasn’t intrusive because of the lack of anxiety and if that was the case, I felt like I needed to be honest. I’ve been very exhausted and this was genuinely a moment of weakness where everything poured out and then I regretted it. He’s everything to me, so kind and willing to learn. I stopped ruminating about this about 20 minutes later, it was just so overwhelming in the moment to see his sweet face and know I had these thoughts you know? Thank you for you’re reply 🤍

Ellie.

Date posted: 23w ago

I’m not sure what to do some advice would be nice

I remembered something I did a couple of months ago that has changed me completely from trusting myself it was a conversation I had with my cousin and something they said unrelated made me remember this happening, I went into a full blown identity crisis i couldn’t walk out of my room or get out of my bed for months paranoid and scared of everything I’m still scared and feel like I don’t even deserve to shower I’m working on it slowly each day but I knew I had to get a therapist and I was diagnosed with ocd because of this event I remembered, and I just don’t know what to do…. I read online that it doesn’t matter how little or bad the event is it’s still ocd regardless when diagnosed but I know I have a compulsion to see others real events and it is nothing compared to mine which I shouldn’t compare but it’s difficult because no matter what I have to come to terms that it’s undeniably bad legally and morally what I did and it’s just so confusing how it’s something I JUST learned about months ago I’m literally in my mid 20s, and I went years without even realizing how troubled my childhood was and yes my real event happened during that time but I was still a teen and old enough to know better but I didn’t understand the magnitude of what I did at the time still no excuse though, this is where I don’t know what To do because 1. I already know what I did was awful and there’s no excuse for it 2. I can’t apologize in my situation that I don’t feel comfortable sharing specifics yet3. Yes I know I changed so much obviously I’m a grown adult now I know what’s appropriate and what’s not that’s why I’m so troubled over this and I never did anything like that again, I’m literally in the happiest relationship and seeing a therapist to also help me understand all this trauma, this event involved my cousin but even they are cool with me and very close as well hasn’t said anything I don’t know if they remember or not but it’s not something I can talk about with them at least not yet (again just don’t want to go in to specifics) but this is why is so confusing and has caused me to have intrusive thoughts about everything EVERYTHING the what ifs what if they remember what if I go to jail what if they hate me what if I’m denying who I have been and I’m this horrible person this whole time without even realizing and everything is a lie my relationship my joy for things what if I’m a ped, what if I can’t love or care what if I’m a person who just harms others manipulates I even spiraled thinking I was going to physically harm someone… it’s very bizarre to me because before my OCD my biggest anxiety was just having to learn how to drive…I’m in my 20s just to mention that again😭 I have probably almost all intrusive ocd categories, These thoughts never existed in my head until I remembered my event it has completely traumatized me but do I even deserve to feel better do I deserve to get help if I did something unforgivable do I move on or don’t? Should I even be living life I just feel guilty even breathing stepping outside I know for a fact if people knew they would never trust me they would feel like I probably should go to jail but do I go on to what others feel or myself? I know I wouldn’t harm anyone regardless of what my ocd tells me I never did anything like that again and wouldn’t but if it’s something that even legally I could be punished for does all of that not matter? I’m sorry I’m just trying to figure out what the right thing to do is , I’m continuing therapy and getting the help but obviously my therapist cannot say if I should be punished legally but even my boyfriend said that if I turned myself in they wouldn’t even take me seriously because I don’t even remember everything fully it was so long ago, but from what I do remember it’s still bad enough mainly just of me being a teen, I don’t want to make that event my identity but I just am so freaked out I feel awful what if I caused trauma to another person and all these years I didn’t even know, this event only happened once that I remember, there were things that happened to me as a child that would explain why it happened but it’s still not an excuse, I did a compulsion and googled what would it be called or the charges for it and the words that popped up triggered me to my core as anyone would feel if they were as stupid as me those words I googled are what monsters are so it’s hard not to think of myself as that it’s hard to not make that my identity if that IS what happened, is living with this guilt my punishment?I don’t want to give up on life I want to love and care and just love life I know this is complicated and a lot not much I can do but I’m just so lost.

Real Events OCD

cielorae5

Date posted: 22w ago

relationship ocd trigger

Hi everyone this is my first post on here but I need advice relationship ocd and ocd in general has taken such a toll on my life as of recently my boyfriend and I decided to not be together we still communicate we’re on good terms and he’ll be visiting soon( long distance) recently a friend I went to school w dad passed and it got me thinking of another friend (male) I used to have feelings for him LONG ago my boyfriend knows of that and I searched his name on Instagram recently and now I feel extremely guilty for this and feel like I need to confess this to my partner did I do something wrong? is this a normal feeling with ocd? someone please give advice.

Relationship OCD

issphra 🫶🏻

Date posted: 9w ago

I’m sick of confessing, advice please

I don’t know how to stop confessing. It’s driving me insane. I confess every little thing to my boyfriend. I confessed that I liked attention (this is so obviously human), that I liked it when people found me pretty (also very human??) I confessed about a million other things and I feel out of control. I felt so safe with him last night that it just started pouring out of me. I felt guilty and awful and I just needed release, I couldn’t breathe I felt like I was dying. I’m stuck in a confessing loop and I know I’m only making things worse. Has anyone experienced this and been able to overcome it? It feels absolutely horrible and impossible. I tried to ERP this and I genuinely feel like I am suffocating if I hold off. I feel so disappointed in myself, but I can’t seem to stop. I even had a dream where I confessed to him and woke up needed to confess that. I’m scared I’ll start sharing my worst intrusive thoughts I’ve had if I feel too safe around my bf. Help please :(

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