Taking a turn for the worse

Just venting...sharing my experince. Very afraid, but going on meds and seeking treatment from NOCD. Triggers: False Memory OCD about Cheating and POCD I have struggled with what I assume to be False Memory OCD for about 10 years now... I'm a 33 y/o female. I've gone to a couple of therapists, one a specialist who was the first to ever recognize the sub-type of OCD I was likely dealing with. My flare ups happen when I'm in a relationship, and I will have this sudden thought/fear that I was sexually inappropriate with someone (perhaps someone I was working with, had been around). Eventually a scenario will pop into my head, or I'll *create* a scenario, and mentally check/compulse for HOURS and MONTHS to see if these things really happened. I'll go back and forth thinking these things happened and didn't happen. They end up feeling very real, and I can never decipher 'deep down' if they truly happened or not. It's just this cycle of "Review, Review, Review, eh maybe this didn't happen, Review, Review, Oh GOD I think this happened....did this really happen? Do I really think this happened? Oh god I did...I need to figure this out some more..." I've had many scenarios in the past where I've eventally gone to the person I thought I may have done something innapropriate with, and they reassured me it was all in my head. And then at one point I had one where I mostly convinved myself I sexually abused my boyfriends child....I became suicidal. Fast forward to now, I'm in a new relationship of about 8 months with EASILY the love of my life... In the past 4 months I've had two instances where I had thoughts/fears 'latch' on: 1) I became convinced I was sexually innapropriate with a friend and 2) months later another where I got it in my head I slept with my boyfriend's best friend when he visited us for a night. In particular with that last one, at the end I became pretty damn convinced I snuck up into the loft and slept with him. I get these thoughts and scenarios in my head, then mentally review and imagine those scenarios to see if they happend. Particularly with the second one, I become pretty damn convinved I did it....a certain image will really 'stick' and it's like omg shit...I think that happened! But I eventually checked with both people, who both reassured me I had done NOTHING by any stretch of the imagination. Just as I was starting to accept maybe this was all just my OCD, I had a fear/thought latch on that I was sexually innapropriate with my boyfriend's 3 year old nephew the last time the three of us went out and I was alone with him...about a few months ago in the spring. Initially I was like oh shit...not THIS scary stuff again...I'm just going to ignore it. I've seen him multiple times since then, even this last weekend...SURELY if I had done this stuff it would have been in my conscious before and I would KNOW." Well, now I have a scenario in my head that I kinda think happened...it feels like it did when I imagine it and do those mental reviewing/compulsions. And I'm torn up over it...it makes me want to throw up and just...die. It's horrifing. I spend all my time memory reviewing...." Did I do this? Lets imagine it and see...oh my god I think I did this! Did I really?? No, this has JUST got to be your OCD bullshit....but then why am I thinking this happened when I imagine it?! I would KNOW if I had done this...do I know? Am I just not admitting it to myself because I am scared?" And the cycle of fear continues. I don't even have a deep gut belief that it DIDN'T happen....just like, "I would HATE myself if I had done this. I don't want this to be true, it's HORRIFIC!" So I just spend my time in complete fear and depression, and then I'll get pissed and be like "NO. It's your OCD. It pretty much fits your patterns, so if it walks and quacks like an OCD duck...it's OCD! And you KNOW you cannot trust your mind to 'figure out' if you truly did these things or not." Which gives me peace b/c then I don't have to believe my thoughts when I think these things happened....but then I feel like I'm just in denial and using that as an excuse to not have to deal with the ramifications of having done this shit. And around we go. If I look at my patterns of OCD over the past 10 years, it certainly fits my pattern...but this last one with the child I pretty automatically got into the headspace of "omg I think I did this!" when I imagine the scenario and mentally review. And it's just like....WTF, I would never want to do this! The first time I thought I hurt a kid it mortified me and I wanted to die! And here it is again and I'm terrified and wouldn't want to live b/c I'm a terrible person. Yesterday I decided to call my doctor and have been put on Clomipramine....I've always gone unmedicated b/c I'm afraid of anti-depressent side effects. I'm also going to get help from a NOCD therapist. I've told my boyfriend all of these things and he is SUPER supportive and loving, for which I'm grateful. I'm just really scared. He told me IF something did happen with his nephew, we would get me help b/c obviously I'm not that type of person and I self- shame and self-flagellate way more than anyone who ACTUALLY does these things would. I just...would be devastated if I did this disgusting thing to a child. I'm just so afraid I'm thinking it happened b/c it did happen....but then another part of my brain is like you KNOW this shit pretty much follows your OCD patterns and latched onto you like OCD does. It's OCD brain, and you CANNOT trust your thoughts. So take the leap of faith it is OCD... I'm just also afraid that it's real....if it is, there is no way my boyfriend should be with me. He wants to eventually get married and I couldn't do that to him....to his nephew...to their family...I would hate myself for forever and just live my life in solitude b/c I'm no good for this world or for anybody, and ruined my relationship with the love of my life. Not sure why I'm posting this ....I guess hearing other people's struggles makes me feel less alone. It's isolating in my own head.

Today I met a good friend. I woke up with compulsive thoughts (suicidal, and I am NOT suicidal, so it's completely horrible; it takes over in every thought I am trying to think about my tasks- I am deeply sad and disturb about it, but ok- so used to it, so extremely used to it)- it's been happening every day for three decades as I at the same time been running a " normal life" so my friends find me entertaining, interesting, and they are all full of confidence in my plans, they take my sanity for granted - as I have trained myself to do- but after my cresendo in 2022 and finally breakdown January 2023 I been quite open about the diagnose I got from my doctor-I have OCD. Today I said honestly that my compulsive thoughts are more active again, and my friend, which I love and think she is wonderful- and then she suggest if I maybe have ADHD- and I answer that no, I have OCD, I have the correct diagnosis, and I an not doubting this. One of the good things in my life is that I am 100 prosent sure I have the right diagnosis- but- how to tell the truth?? My compulsions are internal ,and today I am struggling in every shift of the day, getting dresses triggers my compulsions, going to swim triggers, even if exercise helps after some minutes I have some good minutes in the water, then coming back home, starting to work on my projects that I am doing alone as I work alone, then getting dressed to meet my friend- all actions, getting dressed, getting a taxi,waiting at the restaurant, thinking about my future plans, every single thought triggers the compulsions ad if they where an Ecco, and then she arrives and I am enjoying it, but simultaneously my compulsions are Constantly in the background and they continue after we say goodbye. I go from the restaurant to my yoga studio- it's a 15 minute walk- each step I take comes with the suicidal thought: go shoot yourself, go hang yourself- arriving at the yoga- and it's so intense that I must stay flat on the floor the entire class and try to calm down my mind as I am feeling more and more afraid I will never get well, my life is over, it's getting worse and I am convinced my friend thinks I am making up my OCD. Now I came home and my significant other which I still hide 90 prosent from ask what's wrong and I start to cry, I can not tell, I feel certain he will think I am so nuts that it's not possible to live with me and as I write this I know how far fetched I am, and the fact that I write this and post it is my best moment today- because I am determined after I got my diagnosis: I want ro be completely OPEN- I refuse to drown in my shame and worry, I understand I can't help this, and I will do whatever it takes to become better abs better and rise awareness so it's possible for me to maintain my friendships, my relationship, my life. Thank you all for reading and sorry for my misspelling- I am just so greatful I came back to this app, to have somewhere to put this terrible life experiences is crucial now. Don't give up my friends with OCD! Keep going , we are getting there!

Hey guys, just wanted to introduce myself my names Matt. I was first diagnosed with ocd at the age of 14. I am 29 years old currently. I really had it bad for awhile then I got out of the hole and saw the light. Now I feel like I'm back in it. I've been inpatient at ocd facilities like mclean and Roger's. I consider myself very fortunate and that's where part of the guilt comes in for whatever reason. I've been supported a lot of my life especially when the ocd was really bad and I couldn't function in society. I got back on my feet but recently experienced rocd for the first time. The fear it instilled in me..im struggling massively at the moment. I find that the intrusive thoughts come in and have a strangle hold on me and the sadness and emptiness that follows. I was diagnosed with depression but its hard to come to terms with it. I feel that the ocd is just so awful now. I have experienced a couple sub types in the past..a big one being harm ocd and health related ocd..contamination to a degree. I used to reread when I was in school and that was hell in itself just trying to chase a feeling of perfectionism. I've done ERP plenty of times in the past but ceased the therapy as I got better. Now I'm seeking therapy through nocd which I've never tried before. I really hope I can get myself on track because it really feels like the weight of the world is on my back. I want to pursue music as it's always been an important tool for coping and connection. I can't explain how it makes me feel it's just amazing. I've been working on my vocals but there are so many barriers right now. I feel so sad and I just want to isolate myself. It's up and down emotionally. I'm adjusting to medication that I discontinued awhile ago and now I'm back on it. It's a slow grind. I literally feel like the stress at work is becoming too much as I'm essentially caring for others when I can barely care for myself right now. I work as a life coach with individuals diagnosed with Autism spectrum disorder. I know I'm really bouncing around here on all of subjects but I feel like the more and more I speak up about my diagnosis and spread awareness of ocd the more I'm feared of being misunderstood. I think it's truly another "what if" ocd fear. It is so hard to get a grip on the ocd because the rumination is so bad. To be honest it's hard to open up about ocd in general. I just keep thinking as a male I have to keep it together and I shouldn't be emotional that it's weak. I feel like I was fed that before in my past. I honestly appreciate having a community like this I'm grateful. It's so odd I just want a big hug but at the same time it's too much to be that vulnerable.