- Username
- Lean_into_the_unknown
- Date posted
- 29w ago
Taking a turn for the worse
Hey guys 😞 I'm drained..I like to use that word a lot and it's truly how I feel. Sometimes it's hard to distinguish ocd and depression in certain circumstances. I feel like I have a lot of negative self talk going on like I tell myself aside from family no one cares about me. It comes in full force and I feel like I'm trying to figure it out and I'm engaging with the thoughts. It's bad. Sometimes it's so hard to be mindful when overwhelmed and hit with all these emotions. I wish I could dump my brain in the garbage. I've done erp in the past quite a bit..actually a lot. I was relaxed for awhile because I was functioning pretty well. Then I took some big steps in my life. I started socializing more..I love doing that but my self esteem isn't great at all. I took the initiative to ask someone out and I recall the anxiety that struck shortly afterward. Thoughts do I truly like her? What if I don't like her what does that say about me? I felt she genuine about her though so having these thoughts were so distressing. Was my first true relationship ocd hindered my so much in the past. I'm 29 and very much ashamed that that I haven't been truly intimate with another partner. I never got involved in anything as a teen like recreational drug usage because it was a core fear of my ocd. I would say I'm pretty fortunate though in a sense I didn't really go down the route. Addiction runs in the family. I would say my biggest issue now is how quickly things turned..I am plagued by ocd and depression most of the day. The things that help me is interaction if I can muster up the strength. My job is a good source of interaction but it's also highly stressful for me now. I work as a life coach for adults with autism spectrum and developmental disorders. I legitimately feel like work is going to run me into the ground. I wasn't able to get a leave from a doctor despite expressing my concern and I feel like not be about to take a little leave from work scares me. I have another 3 weeks until I see him..maybe a little more. I'm just holding it together but I feel so alone. My mood is up and down and I hinge my happiness too much on others unfortunately. I want to give my whole self to people..I just want want to feel like someone cares about me. I want somebody to text me and actually check in with my aside from family. I've been so much more social but it hasn't been easy. Sometimes I feel a little bitter. The world doesn't owe me anything in any sense and people go through there own stuff. I'm pretty apologetic for expressing how I feel and I assume what people think too often. I get the sense people are sick of me bringing up my struggles..I honestly try my best to get to know other people. The thought runs through my head though..do you even care about others?? Would you guys consider that moral scrupolisity? Just the fact I wrestle and it's a tug and war with my mind reminds me so much of my past days of severe ocd. It's returning with a vengeance. I really want social relationships I want an intimate relationship but I get this nagging feeling that I'm just a burden no one wants to take on. I took off from work today it's been hard. I've been doing that a bit more. In my past I used to do it a lot when my anxiety was terrible. That's my verbal vomit I just wanted to go into a little detail I've only really posted once in here. Be well.