Help

I think I know what honestly is what caused my OCD. I’ve never told anyone this but I have to if I want help. When I was either 10 or 11, I think 10 I was at my family’s thanksgiving dinner. Around this time I discovered porn and got addicted. I would watch porn and read erotica. Because of this I guess I wanted to experiment. I feel absolutely horrible just thinking about this but I was playing around with my little cousin, he was around 7 I think and I remember we were playing chase or hide and seek, and I grabbed him and hugged him (something I never done before), and got a boner. I did this for pleasure. That’s all I did that was sexual but I feel so horrible. I try to give myself grace as I was only 10 and didn’t know the consequences of something so disgusting. I keep thinking “what if I went farther and hurt him?”. I talk to him sometimes and he seems comfortable with me and I think he doesn’t even remember this ever happened and just thought I hugged him for some reason all those years ago. I am NOT attracted to him at all but I think this incident and remembering it when I was 14 has caused my OCD such as POCD for all these years. I am 18 now but I feel absolutely horrible. And now it’s even worse because I have been invited to his 15th birthday party in Mexico. I’m traveling all the way to another country just to be near him! Obviously I know I won’t touch him or be innopropriate with him. But what if he has felt uncomfortable with me all this time? He seems fine with me and not uncomfortable around me but still. If I feel as if I go to this trip, I am a horrible person. I don’t know what to do. Am I a horrible person for what I did and continuing to be around him? I remember reading Reddit and Quora stories of similar people who felt horrible and people told them to not feel bad as they were only children and they learned and now know that was wrong and that to not tell anyone as it could only make things extremely awkward.Please help. I know COCSA is a very serious topic that harms people and I feel like a horrible perpetrator now.

Currently feeling extremely shameful for something I did in the past. Any advice? I've had periods of coming to terms with it and understanding that it was just a mistake, as no one got hurt, but now it's resurfacing again.

I'm doing ERP to beat my 3.5 long POCD with groinal responses. This implies walking near kids and trying to loosen up my hyperfixation on groinal responses (not caring about what I feel there). Obviously ERP is distressing. In fact, being scared is probably a good sign in this context, because it means I'm doing my exposures correctly. However, what's much more scary is that in all of these years of OCD there were countless times when I experienced actual muscle contractions/retractions in groinal area. And I can't tell if all of those were accidents. Sure, I don't want to do it (except if I'm relaxing muscles in order to avoid groinal sensations), but was it really an accident? And that's what is destroying me. I'm actively having those feelings near poor kids, even though I always believed myself to be a good person. Now there's no turning back. And I'm turning 18 in two weeks. How can I be enthusiastic about anything when I know that my OCD turned me into an actual monster. I want to continue ERP, but I can't imagine myself living on happily even if I somehow cure OCD