- Date posted
- 1y
Help
I have compulsions I did 10 years ago because of my pocd that still haunt me today. How do I forgive myself and move on?
I have compulsions I did 10 years ago because of my pocd that still haunt me today. How do I forgive myself and move on?
Have mercy on yourself, you are human and we make mistakes. You can’t expect to have a controlled behavior and be perfect. No, no one is. I’m dealing with anger issues and it’s hard because I end up feeling guilty and very I pleased with myself. But let’s remind ourselves that we are hurt. We are simply looking for a way to cope with our hurt. You have to just let it all go and accept it. You may have heard this many times before but I mean it when I say your past does not define You. It really doesn’t . Let that sink in for a minute, choosing to dwell in the past is what makes all the difference. You have to be your own cheerleader, I’m sure you already have people being hard on you and having others hurt you. So why add yourself into that list? Be strong and be merciful to yourself!!💜
Thank you it's tough
You have an illness. And you are probably deeply hurt by it. All those things I did because I was simply in pain… I try to forgive myself. But it’s not easy and not always at sight. I get it.
It is an illness, I just hate that it involved my young daughter and I feel so guilty
@Jesse1982 That’s totally understandable
@elliss2 - Thanks for the support
This is the HARDEST thing about OCD, but it also just comes with the personality type that people with OCD tend to have and that’s perfectionism. We all have things that we did or said that bother us, but what matters is what we do moving forward. If we’re actively trying to better ourselves, then the mistake we made a month ago, a year ago, or even 10 years ago doesn’t matter. What matters is what have you done to fix and help yourself to not make the same mistakes younger you did. 💜
Getting eaten alive by thoughts right now, when I was a child me and other kids around my age would experiment and do things we shouldn’t have, I’m talking very young, like 3-5 as I got older I was for whatever reason always curious to a horrible extent and it lead me to do in appropriate things to kids around me, I was 7-8 at the time. I would say it happened 3 times in total in my childhood. And i eventually told my parents the last time it happened because even though I didn’t know it at the time. I had ocd. And I knew it was bad. That was when it all started. I feel absolutely disgusted with my 7 year old self and it comes up every once in a while especially when I hear anything about sexual abuse. I’m nearly 20 now and I enjoy my life for the most part and I’ve been down the ocd path before but I feel unforgivable. And I never want to tell anyone about it, but my ocd seems to want that. I have a beautiful girlfriend that had some traumatic things happen to her and I love her with my soul. I don’t ever want that to come up. Because that’s not who I am. When will I be able to forgive myself? If at all I hope I’m not alone.
TW: Abuse/Pocd Im feeling really hopeless right now. I have an extensive history of sexual abuse, neglect, physical and emotional abuse as well and a significant amount of trauma from my childhood. I didn’t get any help until my late teens. During this time period I was an incredibly troubled child/teenager and I made a ton of really bad decisions that go against all my morals and values now as a grown adult. I feel like I messed up so bad I don’t deserve to recover. I don’t want to discuss all the events because they are quite personal to me but I’m really struggling with past sexual mistakes and feeling like some sort of deviant because of my past. I never hurt anyone and I never to my knowledge did anything illegal but I definitely had sexual behavior issues from my abuse. I sexualized my own abuse to cope with it. I feel horrible about this. Like I’m a monster. It also convinces me my thoughts are true and it’s evidence. Should I go to a OCD specialist for this or a sex therapist? Is there anything they can even do.
I think I know what honestly is what caused my OCD. I’ve never told anyone this but I have to if I want help. When I was either 10 or 11, I think 10 I was at my family’s thanksgiving dinner. Around this time I discovered porn and got addicted. I would watch porn and read erotica. Because of this I guess I wanted to experiment. I feel absolutely horrible just thinking about this but I was playing around with my little cousin, he was around 7 I think and I remember we were playing chase or hide and seek, and I grabbed him and hugged him (something I never done before), and got a boner. I did this for pleasure. That’s all I did that was sexual but I feel so horrible. I try to give myself grace as I was only 10 and didn’t know the consequences of something so disgusting. I keep thinking “what if I went farther and hurt him?”. I talk to him sometimes and he seems comfortable with me and I think he doesn’t even remember this ever happened and just thought I hugged him for some reason all those years ago. I am NOT attracted to him at all but I think this incident and remembering it when I was 14 has caused my OCD such as POCD for all these years. I am 18 now but I feel absolutely horrible. And now it’s even worse because I have been invited to his 15th birthday party in Mexico. I’m traveling all the way to another country just to be near him! Obviously I know I won’t touch him or be innopropriate with him. But what if he has felt uncomfortable with me all this time? He seems fine with me and not uncomfortable around me but still. If I feel as if I go to this trip, I am a horrible person. I don’t know what to do. Am I a horrible person for what I did and continuing to be around him? I remember reading Reddit and Quora stories of similar people who felt horrible and people told them to not feel bad as they were only children and they learned and now know that was wrong and that to not tell anyone as it could only make things extremely awkward.Please help. I know COCSA is a very serious topic that harms people and I feel like a horrible perpetrator now.
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