Iām growing more open about my journey through ERP, and I had a significant moment I would like to share with this wonderful community.
Back in August, I saw one of my favorite artists (NF, whose music touches on his mental health/OCD) live, for the first time.
The day after the concert, I wrote in my OCD journal how sad I was that the concert was over (because during the concert, I felt free, and present, and not thinking about my disorder). I also wrote āPart of me knows as I keep doing ERP, Iāll have more happy & free moments.ā
On Saturday, I saw him live again. And the immense difference in my recovery between August through now, is a lot.
Shortly before the August concert, I had a big backdoor spike, and I was spiraling. 6 days after the concert, I left an abusive relationship of 13 years.
As we all experience, major life changes can really make your OCD harder. I was struggling mentally and emotionally over the breakup, which caused some new ocd thoughts to come up.
I was resentful, tired, depressed, angry over how unfair it was to have to navigate a disorder on top of navigating a life change.
I had to learn to rely on my support system, to accept help, and to really dig in to self-compassion. I sought a second therapist to process my breakup, while still seeing my NOCD therapist, so it was double the mental load.
And now, despite all the hard times, I am stronger, 10 months later. And I am having so many more happy & free moments, and thatās because of my own grit and hard work, but also because of ERP. I love where Iām at in my life, for the first time. And this is after another spike a few months ago, and a depressive period in December.
I went to the concert on Saturday with my best friend. I drove us there, when I couldnāt drive more than 20 minutes on the freeway last year without panicking. I was going to avoid driving over a bridge that scared me, but I went over it, not knowing if I was going to fling us off the road. I have never driven that bridge before, but I got tired of fear taking over.
I was present over the weekend, and I loved hearing the music live.
I wish I could say Iām healedā¢ļø, my OCD is gone, no more hard struggles. Of course, thatās not reality. Truthfully, Iām struggling this week-my job is insanely stressful, Iām tired, and I donāt have control over my workload.
But this isnāt causing me to spiral like it would have before. ERP has helped me see that I can go through all my hard times. Do I hate hard times? Yes. Am I always hopeful and positive? Nope.
But I share this to show that the hard times, the difficult exposures, arenāt always going to feel insurmountable. Youāll learn to navigate life with OCD, and itās never too late for that life to be where you want.
Iām in my 30s. I was diagnosed 2 years ago. And finding joy at this point in my life, when I couldnāt picture it for the longest time, is everything. And this is what gives me hope.
Thank you for reading ā¤ļø
