At this point I just tell myself I'm attracted to women but choosing to be with a man anyway. Unfortunately that doesn't change the groinal responses I'm getting every time I go on social media, etc. I just have to accept the possibility that this is the way it is indefinitely

Im in a relationship too it’s so hard ...

@cameront It's really difficult. A few months ago I was suffering even more because I didn't think it was OCD then, so I was constantly writing break up texts and not sending them. It's a bit better now and I can actually enjoy spending time with him and feel close, but it's so hard to know what I really want sexually because I haven't "experimented" ever outside of porn, and I'm trying to not even do that now. I just worry I'm never going to be happy with someone because this has happened every time I'm in a relationship. I don't have romantic feelings toward anyone else, and I am legitimately happy during fleeting moments, but then I have this agonizing sense that I'm missing out on something. I have to tell myself it's OCD, but it's so frustrating to have a mind and emotions that you can't trust, and not many understand.

It feels very real. I've read that some people with HOCD have even slept with people of the same sex to get relief and still don't find it. Legitimately bizarre. I have to talk myself down from my impulses constantly. Like, okay, if I WAS gay, I wouldn't care about breaking up with my bf, I'd be happy about opening up new possibilities and letting go of something that wasn't making me happy. But there are so many gray areas in life to get lost in that it's challenging. Also, maybe this is self-reassurance so idk if it even helps me, but it's sort of what prevents me from doing more extreme things like researching, etc.

@butwhatif Yeah definitely. I guess that our minds will never have a good answer. Because the problem is the pathological ddoubt. I've got this feeling that i can't live happily while i don't have an answer

@jj19 Right. And I *know* I experience pathological doubt, because I see it in other areas of my life, but naturally when it's your theme, you think, "Yeah, but this time it's real and all those other times I thought it wasn't, I was in denial!" I think there's something naturally disturbing about the unknowability of the mind and self that makes it easy to feel like every single stone has to be overturned before things feel safe. But I'm happy to know I'm not alone in experiencing these things and that over time, I can get better at managing them. Have you found anything that's helpful for you?

@butwhatif Just as another example, last night I was in Instagram and saw a pretty girl and was overwhelmed thinking about how many women exist in the world and it disturbed me that I could never know all of them to know whether or not I'm attracted to them. At certain moments like that, I realize how absurd my thinking can be and it kind of shocks me into reality a bit of remembering it's a disorder that's making things seem worse than they really are.

@butwhatif Trying to. Trying to understand how my brain could work help for anxiety. But i'm really struggling with the fact that i don't know myself at all and that i don't find any way to escape from that

@butwhatif Definitely with my tocd it feels like there is two parts in my brain, one who is " even if ur trans thats ok why r u so distressed about that ? Why are u panicking this much" and an other one whose dramatizing everything and makes me feel soooo bad

@jj19 It's legitimately scary and I understand. It's so hard, too, when other people's brains don't work like ours, so if you're talking to someone without OCD they may have no clue what you're going through or how to help. Because while they may worry about identity and such, it isn't an extreme worry for them, and they take things in stride and have a trust in life and themselves that I don't feel when I'm like this. It really does cause suffering, and so I try to do nice things for myself throughout the day to cope. Even if I can't feel 100% better right away, I can still do things like meditate, make myself a nice cup of tea, try to distract myself, and whatnot. I also go to therapy but not an OCD specialist, and take medication. I hope you find some ways to distract yourself and find relief. Even if they are small, that's still time where you thought about something else for a while and that's progress.

@butwhatif Great post and even better username haha but what if! ?

@Ty94 Thank you!

This is a refreshing perspective. I definitely think having OCD has made me more empathetic and definitely aware of my keen (lol) analytical skills, even though they go overboard. It forces me to prioritize and make sure I'm taking care of myself, and I'm good at expressing myself because I'm so hyper-aware. I hope I can one day learn how to make these skills valuable to a larger body than just myself, and maybe then it would feel worthwhile.