Hey there, my friend!
First off I just want you to know that you are in no way alone with your thoughts and struggles. It truly is the OCD making you believe that you are a certain way. OCD is scary and no joke at all. I have very similar thoughts and worries. For me, I constantly have thoughts that I hate my family and that they are the worst. I find myself going through so much mental stress just to tell myself that I don't think that way, I am a good person, and I love my family. Recently, these thoughts come to my mind everyday and I try to fight them off and continue telling myself that I am a good person. Sometime, though, they come in these violent episodes. It's like thought after thought. The thought are usually so simple and not even a big deal.
Let me give you an example. My parents give me chores to do in the house from time to time. Let's say they told me to go bring their coffee mug to them from upstairs. I get a thought of, "no, I don't want to do it, go get it yourself." This makes me feel so bad, like I'm nothing more than a spoiled kid who is so selfish and doesn't care about others -- Obsession. So what I do is fight it and say, "no, I would love to grab the coffee mug for my parent because I love them and I don't want to be spoiled -- Compulsion. Though I fight with the thought, that bad feeling of just even having it stays with me for some time. But, as you can see, the thought is not even that bad. The OCD makes me feel that it is the worst thing in the world, mainly because being a bad person and spoiled is one of my main worries, also known as my obsession. The compulsion is me acknowledging the thought (obsession) and trying to prove that it is wrong.
Having a therapist and undergoing Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP) Therapy is truly one of the best, if not the best, treatment for OCD. I hope you are able to work with a therapist at this time, or will in the very near future. If not, community support groups are fantastic as they allow you to talk to other amazing individuals who are experiencing the same thoughts and worries as you are. This Community Support Chat is also amazing because you can always count on others, who are experiencing the same worries as you, to give you the best advice.
Let me give you some of the methods my therapist has been giving me. The key to beating OCD is to actually allow the thoughts to be in your mind (Exposure) and to resist the urge of doing the compulsion (Response Prevention). Of course, though, this is not easy nor simple in any way shape or form. I myself have been struggling, and when I say struggling I mean struggling to do this, so do not feel bad if this is hard at first, we all adapt to ERP differently. However, you may be able to quickly recover, I am confident!
So, what my therapist tells me to do is to actually let the thoughts come to my mind, like actually force them to come up in my mind, and then practice not doing the compulsion. Here is an exercise you can try:
Go about your regular day. Whenever the thoughts come up say "Maybe." The word "maybe" is so powerful to beat OCD, think of the word "maybe" as OCD's kryptonite. You can even add words like "Sure," "Cool, Thanks," and "Yeah, Sure." These words are called "Response Prevention Messages" or "RPMs." The key is to show the thoughts and OCD that you are not going to give it any attention. Of course, this will be hard, and even though you say these words the distress might still linger in your mind. Don't worry, through time it will slowly fade away. Try doing this while the thoughts come naturally more than forcing them to come. I feel that if you say these words when the thoughts come to your mind naturally, the "response prevention" to the "exposure" is much more powerful and effective. Of course, though, you can try forcing the thoughts to come as well, it is also very effective. Here is the exercise layed out (First is the thought and then there will be a line that looks like this, ------, and then afterwards will be your response to the thought):
"Hey, you better keep your room clean so that when your family goes through your stuff" ------ "Maybe"
"Are you in danger?" ------ "Yeah I actually might be"
"Hey what you are thinking is not normal, go check everything you can on the internet about what is going on" ------ "Sure, thanks"
"Nope you are just saying that your day is going good to convince yourself" ------ "Cool"
Note: You want to say these types of phrases, or the phrases exactly :), and then not follow through with the compulsion. For example, if you feel the need to see if your thoughts are on the internet, say "sure, thanks" and then try not to go on the internet. Maybe even turn your phone off or slap your laptop lid shut to show the OCD that you won't do the compulsion.
Here is another great exercise that I have been doing for the past few days:
Grab a few sheets of paper and a pencil or pen. Then, actually write the thoughts you have on paper. Yes, this will be scary, it is for me. So, in my case, I actually write thoughts like, "I hate my parents" "They are ugly" "They are lazy." You could try writing "I am not cleaning my room, don't care!" or "Maybe these thoughts (and where it says "these thoughts" you can put the worries you have) are real," "I want to do (Place Thought Here) today, maybe I will do it right now." Oh, how the OCD hates it! The OCD grows weaker, and you will go stronger.
I know all of this is very scary and don't overwhelm yourself. Try the first exercise and see if it works for you. If not, try the second one and see if it works. If that doesn't either, try other exercises like look at pictures online of unclean rooms, and say "yeah I am going make my room look like this." You can also keep taking pictures of yourself and say "yeah, maybe people will wonder about me." I promise you will find what works. I am in my fifth month, roughly, in ERP therapy and I am still not where I want myself to be. Recovering OCD might take time, or not that much :), but is 100% possible.
I hope all of this helps my friend, and remember you can do this! OCD will bow down to you, and you will take control of your life! I wish you all the best my friend, and I hope to speak with you again!
