rambling…

I’ve never been called a narcissist before, until yesterday. I’ve always been so considerate, so loving, so caring. I’m the kind of person that would go out of their way to brighten someone’s day. The selfless, kind hearted individual that would give away my coat in the midst of a storm. My daily life consists of constantly worrying about how i fit into everyone’s reality. How I exist to others. Constantly engulfed in the mindset that everything I do or say can and will have some kind of cause and effect. Consistently hyper aware of how I respond. This has lead to the subconscious mindset that I only hold value if I am seen valuable by others. As much as I want to feel like I am just a good person, sometimes I am unintentionally performing with the intent to feel validated. Treat others the way you wanted to be treated; something my dad burned in my brain. Who would have known I’d take it to the extreme like this. At the ripe age of 22, I struggle to not expect greatness when I output greatness. I expect the same effort I put in. But not in the generalized way others say it. Everyday, all I do is subconsciously perform for everyone around me and Im left feeling drained. And I jeopardize my relationships with people in my life when I feel like I cannot perform for them as a way to protect myself from being hurt: the ultimate self destruction. My thought spirals run my life from the moment I wake up till the moment I go to bed. I have to plan my day out or i’ll be in distress and anxious all day. Everytime my partner and I have a small disagreement, I think it will negatively impact the value he deems me worthy of. But nothing is worst than not being enough, or having nobody clap after your performance. Imagine the feeling as if someone laughed at you in mockery while you were on stage: THAT is how i feel when i am not reciprocated. Like a fool. I dont mean to be a narcissist. I don’t mean to be selfish. I’ve been trying for years to make a difference in the way I think, and I definitely have made a difference now in the way I react when I feel this way, but unfortunately rewiring my brain to think differently is a challenge I’m still working through. But if I’m being honest, changing the way I react to appease others while I try to navigate my mind still just feels like i’m performing. What if I can’t change the cycle and instead I’m just learning how to mask it better?

777Q

Date posted: 5w

Wise person of any age is humble and doesn’t speak of any of the contributions or achievements that they accomplish. Self reflection is important . Hearing people out is important even if what is said we don’t want to acknowledge. Sometimes there are grains of truth and we can improve as a better person to be a better version of ourselves. Sometimes people can be a little bit arrogant and not realize it , myself included. An example of a truly kind person is Keanu Reeves he would give someone a coat off his back in a storm and not even mention it for any type of recognition.

[Deleted]

Date posted: 5w

Comment deleted by user

lilpixie

Date posted: 5w

@bubbleannonim I appreciate your reply, it’s fascinating seeing this sparked interest in someone else’s mind. I’ve always been afraid of therapy for some reason, as of recent years I’ve realized medication could be a good option for me but I’m afraid of the potential to become an emotionless zombie. What making me less aware just makes me more angry? As for being called a narcissist, it was just something that snapped me back into reality that I was neglecting my partners needs unintentionally. It stings all the same everytime I hear that I’ve let someone down. All I wanted was to be heard and understood, but at my partners expense even when I didn’t mean for it to be. But I have to choke down defending myself to be understood to make sure I hear him out too. Sometimes I wonder if that’s just another way i’m masking it or if i’m actually truly beginning to make a difference in the way my brain responds to constructive criticism. I value what my partner is saying, and I’m actively listening to learn how their brain works too. But why is the urge to make sure he sees my point of view so strong? Why do I explain myself to every last detail before I can feel safe again? If I don’t, I’m left feeling unheard even if i got a majority of it aired out but not down to every little minor detail. I want to learn to communicate my emotions in a more controlled way. but learning to do so feels fake, like i’m learning an unnatural habit. and learning to deliver my emotions differently feels like another way i’m performing so i almost feel trapped like i can’t get away from masking myself anymore, no matter what i have to choke some part of me down: the angry me, the sad me, the unpleasant to be around me. i loved the idea about watching content made by psychologists or psychiatrists btw, that’s honestly an eye opening idea!

curefan6

Date posted: 5w

i really relate to this quite a bit. i remember a very specific moment in 6th grade when i realized that my actions and my words have more of an impact on others than i thought. i became so obsessed with this and made it my life goal to be the kindest person ever, even if someone didn’t deserve it. and sometimes i wonder if i have only ever been this way to make myself look good. and then i start to wonder if im just putting on a fake facade for everyone and im always battling myself over how true my values are. i hate that i can never feel completely sure of myself. i become so devastated when i find out someone doesn’t like me or looks at me in a negative way because i feel like i have failed myself

lilpixie

Date posted: 5w

@curefan6 i relate to what you said so much. I get so overwhelmed with being the kind one. in every instance. even when i don’t want to. I can’t get myself to be the person that let’s people down or doesn’t show up. I pour from my cup when it’s empty, and show up for people when I’m disassociated. It’s the constant cycle of me feeling drained to love others in the hopes someone will do the same for me.

atm83

Date posted: 9d

I’m not sure if part of your post has been deleted, but it sounds like someone may have interpreted your OCD as narcissism. It may help to have your friends and loved ones visit a support group for family members/friends of those who have OCD. It can be difficult for those who don’t struggle with it to know how to interpret the compulsions. I have had my husband watch a couple of videos explaining the disorder, and it seems to have helped him understand.

delaneygiles

Date posted: 22w

Do I even have OCD or am I just dramatic?

Hi all, I’m brand new to this app. I’ve never had any mental disorders. I’ve never been diagnosed or even suspected that I had some kind of issue going on. But recently my partner gently pointed out to me that I’ve developed some weird tendencies that are progressively getting worse. I’m getting overly anxious about the smallest of things. Every time he leaves for work, I stare at the tracker on my phone until he gets through his 25 minute commute because I’m convinced there will be a wreck. I’m terrified that someone is constantly taking pictures of me through my windows and even feel like people can see through my (solid) blinds at night. Every time I hear someone in the hallway of my apartment complex I stare out the peephole because I’m convinced they’re going to break in, even if it’s a neighbor that I recognize. I check myself for lumps in my body every morning and every night, and my partner too, even though neither of us have any scary medical history. I unplug everything with a cord every night before I go to bed because I’m terrified that something is faulty and my apartment will catch on fire. I am constantly afraid of being sued by people I don’t know even though the worst thing I’ve ever done is gotten a speeding ticket. I have dreams that people are sending me threatening mail and it stops me from opening my actual mail. There are so many more, I could go on forever. Writing it all down, I know it’s stupid. I just don’t know if feeling this way is normal. There are people out there that have actual stressors and here I am working myself up a million times a day over nothing. Do normal people feel like this? I thought it was normal.

Kai S.

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 18w

No redeeming qualities (long vent)

This is just a vent. Feels nice to just be honest about who I am and my deficiencies. Mental health advocates are always like "you deserve to live no matter what" and I'm like "bet lol" I am not a good person whose presence has any positive impact on the world. I'm not evil, just useless without having the excuse of depression or whatever (it's anxiety based but again who gives a shit). If I were to go away, I wouldn't be missed because I contribute nothing of note. If we did not live in the US where you can get by without being socially accepted as long as you have loving parents, I would either be dead or would have stepped up and might actually be a valuable member of society (like between being dead and pushing through my anxiety I would probably choose the latter lol). Interpersonally, I have no redeeming qualities. No I'm not one of those people who says that shit and then lists all the ways they're actually decent but just have low self-esteem, I'm genuinely useless. I'm unreliable when it comes to group projects and my job, usually doing the bare minimum or less than that. When it comes to my work in general, I tend to drop the ball, often waiting till the last minute to get started on it, turning it in late, or simply not turning it in at all. I make promises about the things I will do and then don't do them. I also lack initiative and just follow orders. Socially, I don't have any friends and don't make an effort to try to gain any - I tend to act distant in social interactions and don't join in when people are having group conversations. I'm a talented artist, but the only work I've ever shown others in the last few years has been shoddy, amateurish, and completely unreflective of my abilities, and I've never been complimented for it lol. How do I feel about all this? Pretty freaking bad, yet I make no effort to change. I'm afraid of most things so I avoid them, screwing up my own life and negatively affecting other people's as well. Despite all this, I have this desire to be accepted by someone else as I am. The fact that I accept myself shows that it's possible, I guess (you could argue that I don't have a choice but I definitely chose to be okay with myself after years of self-loathing). I have a shit-ton of flaws and nothing to really offset them - I mean I'm self-aware but I think self-awareness is completely useless if you don't do anything about what you've observed in yourself, and less self-aware people are able to take more risks - and I just have this fantasy of someone showing up and looking at all that I am and being like "you have contributed literally nothing to society and you have no redeeming qualities but I accept you as you are and love you, for no reason other than I just do." But based on the comics I've read this can only happen if you're childhood friends who've known each other for a long time lol. No reason someone's gonna want to be friends with some random person who leaves a poor first impression and doesn't do anything to further the relationship. The plus side of this is that I have a /lot/ of room for growth, lots of things to change that could make me a better person. The negative side is that it is still just as hard to not be avoidant af as it was yesterday

moon0270

Date posted: 15w

Realised I have another compulsion

I actually didn't realise this til now because I just assumed it was a coping mechanism from when I was really young. But when I tend to get stressed out or overwhelmed, I'll often start talking out loud to myself (which mostly means just whispering to myself because if i spoke really loudly, my mom would hear me lol). But nowadays with my fear of being surveilled, I keep having to catch myself because it's such a habit at this point for me to whisper out loud. Especially with me trying to reason through my false memories or really bad intrusive thoughts. Another compulsion. And then I keep thinking omg did I have my phone with me when I said that. Is anyone watching me rn? What if this person (that probably doesn't even exist) thinks my thoughts are true? What would everyone else think? And then I spiral afterwards. It sucks because I feel like I'm policing myself even when I know these are all just things I'm saying out loud and they don't mean anything— they're just thoughts after all. But I have this worry that if someone overheard me or all of this was suddenly revealed, that it might change how people see me or people might hate me or think i'm a bad person. And then I worry about me being worried about that because then I ask myself would a good person be worried about this? Anyways, another long post with me waffling and rambling. Thank you for taking the time to read this ❤️‍🩹

Be a part of the largest OCD Community

Share your thoughts so the Community can respond

rambling…

Related posts

Be a part of the largest OCD Community

Be a part of the largest OCD Community