I feel like I’m going crazy again. I moved to a new state so that means new doc/therapist. Since I’ve moved here about 4 months ago I’ve been dealing with terrible episodes and I’m just miserable. I haven’t been on medication and recently i decided to try it again. About 2 weeks ago i called around to see if they take my insurance and the ppl that did either aren’t taking new patients or they’re way too far for me to travel as i have no car and I’m very very low on cash bc my mental hasn’t been able to get a new job bc I’m terrified. I made an appointment but they didn’t have anything till later this month and I’ve been trying to be positive but I just keep having this obsession that i NEED the medicine and i dc if it will make me a zombie and emotionless bc that’s just how miserable i am. Im crying uncontrollably because my thoughts won’t chill out. I don’t know what to do in the meantime & i can’t afford to commit myself . If anyone has anyways to cope while I’m waiting to see a doctor I’d really be grateful. I feel like my brain is going to explode.

I feel like I’m completely going freaking psychotic. This is taking away my faith, which I thought was pretty strong. It tells me to not bother praying because God isn’t helping. It’s telling me that I am the worst person, worthy of death. That I deserve every bad thing that comes to me. And I believe that. I hate that I’m having these thoughts in my own mind. I hate that I feel this out of control. The medication isn’t helping. My head is always spinning. Nothing is helping because nothing lasts with this stupid disease. The good days don’t last. The efforts to work don’t last. I’m losing my mind and going insane. I don’t have access to a therapist. I don’t have resources here. I’m so irritated and scared that I could just give up. I literally don’t even know what to do with myself right now. I feel crazy and hopeless. I feel like I should turn myself in. And I mean every last word I’ve said. There’s no exaggeration.

I need some serious help and I don't start treatment until the 20th and my therapist is on vacation. My thoights have gotten so much worse, to the point that I think they warrant me getting reported. I don't wanna harm/kill anyone but my thoughts make it seem like Im a psychopath who does have a plan. I had to call the suicide hotline to make sure I didn't do anything. Id rather be locked up than to harm anyone. But just thinking of me failing at being a good mom to my son is what crushes me. Ive had panic attack after panic attack and Ive cried so much I just can't cry anymore. Im numb and disgusted with myself. I wish this was all just a nightmare

my anxiety has been so bad the past couple of days, ive been disassociating several times a day. Its so hard to be alone because of the intrusive thoughts. I barely can even look at my family without vivid images coming in my head. Im so scared i keep asking myself “what if i wanna do it?” “what if i rlly am crazy” “maybe i am my thoughts” “would i ever do this” “what if i just lose control one day”. I dont know anymore im so lost and depressed i just wanna crawl out of my own skin. Someone please give advice because nothing is working. Keep in mind im undiagnosed and i feel so alone and i know i have harm ocd but the doctors and therapist in my state dont care to listen. They wont even give me anything for anxiety, my life is being ruined and im only 13. I just want it to go away, im trying to keep faith in god but i just wish he would help me faster.