Hello new friends! My name is Graham and I just got diagnosed with OCD in December. I’m 21 years old and a music student at a prestigious conservatory in New York City. This is my OCD story. I have had OCD like symptoms since a very young age, for example, at age 3 I thought I would die if I left the house without a bottle of water, and refused to do so for almost 7 years, and I had countless sensory issues with food and clothing. However, around age 12, the thoughts began to become increasingly horrible. Violent intrusive images, urges to yell obscenities at people, overall intense fear of hurting other people emotionally or physically occupied my brain for hours a day. Additionally, I began to have intense contamination fears - obsessive hand washing, (although not nearly as bad as many people’s) having to carry hand sanitizer everywhere I went, and even worse, as I began to grow body hair, that was as “unclean” as it could get to me. I *had* to rid my body of it. These thoughts then began to plague my performances as well - I would obsessively worry about a certain thing, and it would ruin the whole experience for me, no matter how well I pulled through. As I also was trying to come to terms with my sexuality, (I’m gay) my brain produced tons of sexual intrusive images of both men and women, leaving me lost and confused as to what I actually was. I did not dare search what my thoughts meant. I thought for sure doing so would lead me to be put on a FBI watch list, inform me I was clinically insane, or something along those lines. One day in late October, I was on my commute home from school. This commute is an hour each way on crowded public transportation - between contamination and harm OCD, you can imagine how this experience goes for me every day. For 30 minutes, my brain thought of everything horrible I could do to the person next to me. Strangle them, stab them, rape them, call them racial slurs, rip their hair out. It was so overwhelming that by the time they walked off the train I thought I was going to faint from the panic I felt. I decided enough was enough and googled what I was feeling, which lead me to discover this subset of pure O OCD, which I knew nothing about. A friend of mine was diagnosed when we were 15, and I assumed it just meant obsessive without compulsive, and didn’t look into it whatsoever. I began to see a counselor at my school, and he sent me to the psychiatrist through the school who diagnosed me with OCD. Almost immediately after my diagnosis, my grandfather fell ill. I couldn’t bear to tell my parents while we were dealing with that. He ended up passing away a little less than a month later. This has been so beyond hard on my entire family. It’s been a little over a month now, and as more things have gone wrong for my mom - her company being hacked, getting in a car wreck (she’s totally fine other than whiplash) - I haven’t been able to bring myself to discuss with them. I feel as though I will be the straw that breaks the camel’s back. But I know I need to tell them. Hopefully it will happen as soon as possible...but it’s plaguing my mind a lot. If anyone can offer words of advice on what to do, I would appreciate it greatly. Thanks for reading. That’s my story. I hope to meet more wonderful humans who understand what I go through - have a wonderful day all! :)

This is my first post on this app, though I made this account back in late September of 2021. I grew up in a toxic environment, and was mentally abused by my parents, included being taken advantage of because of my autism. I’ve been suffering from OCD as long as I can remember. Ever since I was a child, I’ve sometimes had thoughts that scared me, and I’d often try to find ways to calm myself down. I’ve had thoughts over the smallest and silliest of things, but as time went on, these thoughts suddenly became more violent, like wanting to step in front of moving car while waiting for the bus, or grabbing a knife on the dinner table and using it to stab a family member. Even thoughts of death and what happens afterwards scared me. Aside from being afraid of a kids horror show for a while, OCD did bother me at points in my life, but they never severely crippled me… until my teenage years. Throughout my teen hood, I would very occasionally suddenly imagine fictional child characters being SA’d. I would also sometimes imagine children getting injured while noticing them sometimes. I didn’t know why those thoughts popped up into my head and they would weird me out, but I would be able to usually push them aside and not think about them too much… but it got worse after I was dropped out of high school without my consent by my parents. In March of 2017, I was at a gas station when I saw a child and imagined doing a disgusting action with them. It freaked me out immensely and sent me into a panic attack. I was able to calm down from it shortly after, but I think it planted a seed into my brain, and it would launch a horrific attack on me the very next month. Me and my family were driving around a town for a special occasion when I had the worst OCD attack I’ve ever had. Every child I saw, I imagined doing something disgusting to them. I was having a full blown panic attack and it honestly felt like my mind itself was being sexually assaulted by this horrifying thoughts. This incident scarred me mentally, and to this day, I’m still afraid of being around anyone younger than me. I tried researching what these thoughts could mean, and I found out about these being symptoms of OCD. After talking with a psychiatrist a month later, I was diagnosed with OCD. For a while, I thought I’d be okay from that point. I thought I could conquer this on my own… but by early 2018, I was still struggling. I eventually came out to my older sibling and parents about what I was dealing with. They thankfully didn’t ridicule me, and did help me with getting a therapist. The first visit with my therapist went alright, but I was an emotional mess after finishing the session. The next time I went in however, I was seen by someone else because my therapist was out. The man I saw honestly felt condescending, and he basically made go to a group therapy session. The group therapy didn’t help in the slightest, and with more toxicity developing in my family afterwards, I stopped going after the group therapy. I did see my therapist at least once I think, but that was it. Ever since 2018, I was silent about my OCD. I was just hoping that someday I’d be free of my shackles both from my mental illness and my toxic environment. Two years later though, a friend (now partner) of mine heard about my family’s living situation and wanted to help get me out of there. I first visited them in 2021, and thankfully I stay with them for the most part. That being said, I was still worried about opening up to them about my OCD. I did talk with them about general OCD from time to time, but never got into P OCD… until last year finally. I opened up them fully about it, and both they and their mother told me that they weren’t upset, and that they understood where I was coming from. I think that genuinely helped me out, and I don’t feel as anxious as I did before. Just yesterday, I finally talked about my OCD to my older sibling (they’re super supportive and understand our parents toxicity). I was genuinely nervous about telling them for a while out of fear of them either abandoning me or ratting me out… but they understood. They were accepting and didn’t ridicule me at all. It was like a weight was lifted off my shoulders… and honestly, I think I might have the courage to speak up on this app finally and hopefully find a therapist who can help me. I’ve been suffering with P OCD for over 8 years now ever since I was 18. I just recently turned 27 a few days ago. I’ve been suffering in silence for so long due to trauma, fear, and PTSD. But now, I think I want to take a step forward and get onto the road to recovery. It most likely won’t be easy and it won’t happen overnight, but I feel relieved knowing I have people who love and support me, now that I’m in a better environment.

So... I few years ago, I did self-harm a few times, and then I got super into spirituality, and about a year ago, I remembered I did self-harm and ever since haven't been able to shake the guilt off... Constantly, every day, my mind would make me feel guilty about it and think about it all day. It's like my brain knew the thought that I could/ have cut myself scared me, so it kept bringing it up. My family had no idea I had ever done this, so my OCD told me I was a liar for not telling them about every day. I was afraid that they wouldn't love me anymore and send me to a mental hospital if I told them. About 2-3 months ago, I had gotten so fed up with having these thoughts every day and confessed to my mom what I had done, and her reaction was great. And I thought I'd never have thoughts about when I did self-harm again because I finally confessed. I was wrong. Even with people telling me that it's okay, I did that, I can't shake the guilt I had around this event, and even more so the fear/guilt around my own thoughts... My therapist and I talk about how the problem isn't the thoughts but what the OCD does to them. I try to create positive neural pathways, but that just makes me more stressed about it. There are things I'm supposed to tell myself when I feel negative, but I think I get that confused and tell myself those things every time I have thoughts about what I did. Which is feeding into a mental compulsion (replacing every "bad" thought with a "good" one. What works for me is (if I can) do nothing and have the thoughts... It's been hard to get better because I have had no idea what's been happening to me and felt like for the last year I was going crazy... I always thought OCD was cleaning stuff and physical compulsions . Everything that happened to me happened in my head. On the worst days when my OCD is really bad, every single time I was conscious and aware, I was thinking about the fact that I did self-harm. I would lie in bed all day trying to figure out my thoughts because I thought if I watched TV, I would be avoiding important things. I thought I had to figure out all my thoughts. I would ruminate, replay, and second-guess all. day. long. It was hard to do any of the things I loved; OCD took the joy out of it. It was hard to recognize it was OCD because I thought I had done something seriously bad and wrong, and that I must deserve these thoughts. I think the trick is that you feel like you must have positive thoughts, and the most distressing thing wasn't necessarily the fact that I did self-harm, but the fact that I couldn't stop thinking about it. I find the best thing you can do is just have all your thoughts in your head and try not to separate them from good and bad, if you can. It's nice to have people who understand!!!! More to come, about the journey. My favorite thing to say when I'm stuck is "that sly devil... OCD. Silly OCD is getting to me right now, but it won't last forever. That sneaky guy tricked me again." Love you!!!

Hi everyone, my name is Kendal and I am new here, although I do not believe I am new to OCD in the SLIGHTEST. Im about to leave my 20s behind and begin a new chapter of my life. Everyone says your 30s are suppose to be the best right? I am proud of myself for making a huge step forward, before the beginning of this new chapter. I’ve been experiencing symptoms of OCD for as long as I can remember. These feelings, thoughts, compulsions have been existing with me since middle school. They’ve manifested in many many different ways throughout the years, and continue to evolve as I get older. I’ve experienced emetophobia, obsessive thoughts about passing out or getting sick in front of people, contamination OCD, white coat syndrome and the newest culprit… Harm OCD. In middle school, it was extremely hard to understand WHY I felt the way I felt, and experienced the intense anxieties that I did. Over the years I kind of just put up with these thoughts and feelings of uneasiness.. and thought it was just regular ol’ anxiety. Recently the harm OCD came through, triggered by a traumatic event. Lemme tell ya… if you’ve ever experienced harm OCD… I am terribly sorry. It’s absolutely horrifying. It scared me so badly, to the point of actually seeking professional help. During that extreme anxiety inducing time, I was also terrified to tell a professional what was happening to me. I started with telling my husband first. What a RELIEF! I learned that telling someone made me feel so much better so I thought, man… I wonder what telling a professional would do for me? RELIEF!!!!! She helped me realize that yes this is a very very real thing people experience daily. She’s suggested therapy to pair with medication. I’ve given the medication about a year to do its thanggg and goodness, what a difference. I wish I got help earlier but hindsight is 20/20. This is me, now ready to implement therapy. I’m ready to gain a better understanding, collect coping skills and chat with people who have had similar experiences. Thinking you’re alone in OCD is incredibly isolating and scary. I am happy to finally realize I am not alone.