Im in a tough spot. I have pocd and ive had hocd i havent been diagnosed by anyone but im positive im right. Im also not trying to type this out for reassurance but i dont know if this is,on top of that i had a disgusting addiction to transgender pornography. It didnt feel good after i watched it but i couldnt stop, i always told myself this is it no more but would always do it again. After This i questioned my sexuality i knew i wasnt attracted to the same sex but why was i watching this then. I really felt the affects of this january this year when one night my mind just kept repeating to me you are a pedophile, this really destroyed me i couldnt sleep and at times almost threw up because of this fear of becoming one. I started remembering moments in my life when i would watch hentai and looking back on it now i could consider it cp even though many people wouldnt to me it still feels like it. I know im not attracted to any of this stuff but i feel so broken and disconnected, i dont feel like i can tell anyone but i feel like i should i just dont know how. Sometimes i get urges to watch transgender porn again to prove that im not a pedo but i dont think any porn is good for anyone. Recently i became a christian and i keep praying that these thoughts will go away, going to church really helped me and theres a girl that i have a crush on there but now that im in isolation and my church isnt on things are really tough. I hope i can get through this time and come out stronger and mentaly better. I hope this is ocd. I am currently doing nofap which i feel is really helping me and im on a very long streak. However i really dont want to watch transgender porn again but i keep feeling like if i do the thoughts will go away. I know i must not give up and fight through these thoughts to become the best possible me. Im sorry about this jumbled up mess but i needed to get this out there to someone.

Fathomable

Date posted: 5y

Is there some particular reason you think that your porn taste was an addiction rather than just a fetish you were resisting? And why you describe it as disgusting?

abowlofcereal

Date posted: 5y

Well id say because i felt awful after doing it and i regreted it completely. And i describe it that way because i just find it disgusting personaly i also find porn disgusting as well

Fathomable

Date posted: 5y

@abowlofcereal I have a straight male friend who mostly watches trans porn, it doesn't "mean" anything it's just what he likes. A lot of people feel regret or gross about themselves after masturbating, they just don't usually latch onto that feeling or beat themselves up about it. Also you were viewing hentai as just hentai when you watched it. It doesn't matter that now you've added more meanings and opinions to it, you weren't watching it and thinking of children at the time, so you're all good. Idk I think it would be a really good idea to go to therapy to talk about the problem you're having. I'm finding it quite difficult to tell if that is OCD or if this is all internalised shame and religious OCD (if you have compulsive praying, confessing, wondering what God would thinknetc) and POCD.

abowlofcereal

Date posted: 5y

@Louw Well personaly i dont think i agree with your opinion and i am 100% not watching porn ever again

Fathomable

Date posted: 5y

@abowlofcereal What opinion? I didn't have one

abowlofcereal

Date posted: 5y

@Louw Oh i missread my bad sorry, you actualy gave some good advice thanks

user1838

Date posted: 5y

Believe in yourself. The same thing happened to me too. This could be an urge of OCD, or just mental heath. When it happened to me it was mental health, so I said to myself that this is not right at all. Listen, God forgives you for everything, but it’s not your fault here at all if you are not attracted to porn. OCD makes you have urges, and thoughts that break you down. If you know that you were never like this, and never had any interest in watching any of this, then all you need to do is ignore those thoughts and urges. I know I know, your probably saying what?! But it’s the truth, please please, ignore them. All they are going to do are destroy you. God believes in you forever, God doesn’t want you to pay attention to those thoughts because it’s not your fault. It’s not your fault if your thinking of this. It’s not your fault if your having these urges. It’s not ! The only solution is to ignore the thoughts, because all they are going to do is destroy you. It was really hard for me to ignore them, because I thought I’m doing a big sin by having these thoughts and urges. I’m not sure if your urge was an ocd urge, but you know it! God loves you, I tried to get help, and they said to me that your not trying to think of it. The thoughts and urges are popping up in your head. So trust me believe in yourself and God forever. God is believing in you, please for God ignore these thoughts, and urges. If you don’t know if that urge was an ocd urge or you don’t understand what I’m saying then I’ll explain again properly. But please ignore the thoughts. OCD urges are the urges that you really need to do it, but normal urges I think are lust. If you know that you don’t have any lust, then you know you don’t. Please don’t watch it and ignore it please. If you need any assistance please ask. I’m not sure about the normal urge thing I’ll search it up and make sure. But these thoughts that no your sex is opposite those are ocd thoughts please ignore. Please. If you know that you don’t have any lust, and if you feel in your heart that no I don’t have any lust, then you don’t.

abowlofcereal

Date posted: 5y

I find it extremely difficult to ingore them though

user1838

Date posted: 5y

@abowlofcereal Yes it was the exact same thing with me. But please please, it’s the only way. I didn’t think it was the only way and I tried finding other ways, but this is the only way. We have to face these thoughts and defeat them. We have to ignore them forever. Please, I’m saying the truth , please ignore. It’s hard, but if you have hope and you try, nothing is impossible. So please please try. If you need anything else I’m here

user1838

Date posted: 5y

So did you ever think of watching this before? And how did the feeling come to you? Like “ I have to watch it” ?

abowlofcereal

Date posted: 5y

Before i watched it i had no feeling toward it i dont remember when i started watching it but once i did i dont know why but i couldnt stop even though i wanted to

user1838

Date posted: 5y

Then it’s not your fault. If you think it is it’s not! It’s not it’s not! You need to try for God, try for God. Please, if you try God will solve everything. God has left it up to you if you want to try or not, please try. For God, for yourself. OCD is an intruder you didn’t invite it over, so if you didn’t then don’t follow the urges, don’t follow the thoughts. They are going to destroy your inner soul. Please please!

abowlofcereal

Date posted: 5y

Thank you for being so caring and i am trying my best :)

user1838

Date posted: 5y

@abowlofcereal Thank you so much for trying. Please try to talk to a therapist if you haven’t. A therapist knows a lot more than I do.

Anonymous

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 3y

Im commenting on this because I am having a hard time with urges . Can someone give me some words of hope??

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