Im in a tough spot. I have pocd and ive had hocd i havent been diagnosed by anyone but im positive im right. Im also not trying to type this out for reassurance but i dont know if this is,on top of that i had a disgusting addiction to transgender pornography. It didnt feel good after i watched it but i couldnt stop, i always told myself this is it no more but would always do it again. After This i questioned my sexuality i knew i wasnt attracted to the same sex but why was i watching this then. I really felt the affects of this january this year when one night my mind just kept repeating to me you are a pedophile, this really destroyed me i couldnt sleep and at times almost threw up because of this fear of becoming one. I started remembering moments in my life when i would watch hentai and looking back on it now i could consider it cp even though many people wouldnt to me it still feels like it. I know im not attracted to any of this stuff but i feel so broken and disconnected, i dont feel like i can tell anyone but i feel like i should i just dont know how. Sometimes i get urges to watch transgender porn again to prove that im not a pedo but i dont think any porn is good for anyone. Recently i became a christian and i keep praying that these thoughts will go away, going to church really helped me and theres a girl that i have a crush on there but now that im in isolation and my church isnt on things are really tough. I hope i can get through this time and come out stronger and mentaly better. I hope this is ocd. I am currently doing nofap which i feel is really helping me and im on a very long streak. However i really dont want to watch transgender porn again but i keep feeling like if i do the thoughts will go away. I know i must not give up and fight through these thoughts to become the best possible me. Im sorry about this jumbled up mess but i needed to get this out there to someone.

Hey so I’m an 18 year old college student I’ve had ocd for a long time but I never wanted to admit this aspect of it as part of it and I still don’t. That’s why I won’t say it cause I’ll just end up crying again. I don’t even want to post about it cause this would just make the problem real. I know I’m not sexually attracted to them but my mind wants to trick me and I end up getting confused on which is rlly me, like the other aspects of my ocd. It spiked ig when someone sent me a meme and it was fine but at the end of it it showed a child being shown in a sexual way which was suppose to I guess be funny but it wasn’t rlly funny to me at all and got uncomfortable and the pocd thoughts came in hard and I had such a bad panic attack and then I felt the need to go back and check to see what I was feeling and went to the video the next day after avoiding it to see which after reading the threads here is I guess a big no no? I know I’m not sexually attracted but my mind is playing these games and confuses me and I’m so scared to even talk to my therapist about it or ask people for help cause what if they think I’m a pedophile? Children genuinely make me happy and I have a motherly instinct to care for them but my mind turns it into something darker and I know I don’t think of these kids sexually but it’s like I have the power to?And that freaks me out so much and it won’t leave me alone I don’t know what to do I know I’m not one but my mind is tricking me and it’s freaking me out and if my mind says it could be what if other people think I am no one I trust will even understand idk what to do I just needed to put this somewhere to vent

So I (16 f) haven't been diagnosed with it but I think I have OCD. Specifically POCD and real event OCD. I did something in 2021 that I regretted then and I regret even more now. I read some fanfiction that involved incest and minors and I hated it. I hated it bc it was disgusting, bc it went against my morals, and bc I read it. I was bored but I still wish I didn't read them. And since April of this year, I have been suffering bc I read them. I'm scared I'm a pedo and I really don't want to be one bc I don't want to do the things they do to kids. I Don't even find kids attractive but I get groinal responses and I'm scared that I actually do. I suffer from intrusive thoughts everyday. Even though this flair up started in April, I've been suffering from it for a couple years. But nowadays I'll be lucky to go a hour without them. I posted a similar post like this on Reddit a month or two ago and all of the comments said I wasn't a pedo and that it was POCD but I'm spiraling. During those months I would be scared I was a pedo and not be scared bc I knew it was ocd back and forth but this time it's different. I'm scared that I'm actually a pedo but I don't want to be. I don't like the thoughts and I don't want to do anything to kids. I know people say that 'if you were a pedo you would like the thoughts." Or "if you were a pedo you would know you are." And that's helped me but now I feel like I could just be in denial. I tried to not let it bother me but my brain tells me that if I don't react, that means I like the thoughts. I have younger cousins and a nephew and I hate being around them bc I'm scared that I'll get attracted to them. I hate when my younger sister hugs me bc I get scared that I'll get attracted. There has been multiple times where I just went in my bathroom and just broke down crying. And I hate crying but I cried more than I usually do. It's gotten to the point where multiple times I felt suicidal and honestly I feel like that now. But I usually got over it and realized it was just OCD but I'm scared that it's not. And I feel like if it was just thoughts then maybe it would've been better but it's the fact that I read those even though I hated it and was disgusted by it. I just really don't know what to do. I'm sorry that this post is too long.

First of all, sorry for my bad English. I am a 15 year old guy, and I’ve never been with a girl, but I have fallen in love multiple times. I had never had a single doubt about my Sexual Orientation, but I think there are two things that made me start worrying about it. I think I am addicted to p*rn. I have been watching it like at least one time per day since I was 11 (I’d even say I’ve been jacking off two times a day for at least 3 years). Last summer, I watched some trans video and I didn’t really like it but it made me start worrying. I even got to watch gay videos because I was worried, but that was like only that day, and I forgot it and was never worried about it for at least 4 months. I’d say that was because of my porn addiction, because it’s like a drug addiction, you need something harder to get the same reaction. I’m really not proud at all of all the disgusting things I have watched before even thinking about the existence of gay porn. Well, it has only happened once, so I don’t really think it’s important. Then, as I said before, I started worrying again. I started watching some Spanish Talent Show that I watched when I was a kid and I noticed that mostly gays and girls watched it. I started worrying about that and every time something about it appeared on my TikTok i started checking if the guy was gay based on his videos or reposts. I think that was a compulsion. Now I’m sure that most of my friends (which are all straight) also watched it, because we talked about it, but none of us wanted to admit that we liked it. Months later, it got worse. I started having thoughts about liking guys. All of this while I had a crush on a beautiful girl i have liked for like 3 years. I started checking on gay porn and the groinal responses killed me. They made me worry a lot for days, I couldn’t stop checking gay and straight porn, although I didn’t stop jerking off to straight porn. Also, I’d like to say that I never jerked off to gay porn. Well, then I asked ChatGPT about my situation and it said that I possibly have HOCD. I started searching about it and it got better for two weeks, but now it’s worse. Better than months ago, but it’s not good at all. Today I even had an intrussive thought that told me that I should/want to try doing something with my butthole ( I don’t know how to say it), and it was really disgusting. I always trigger while watching movies or tiktok when I see an attractive guy and when I see gay people. I’d like to know what can I do to get better, because I don’t want to talk about this with none of my friends/family, because I think it’s something that I can overcome alone, but I need to know if I am certain, and if it’s really OCD. I think this is reassurance but anyways. Thank you for helping me.