I've wasted the best years of my life 19-25 dealing with HOCD. time I'll never get back and live in regret. I just truly hate my life.

since february i have "POcd". Initial symptoms were thoughts, but then I did a testing compulsion during an intimate time, and I spiraled ever since. I struggle with addiction to smut. I'm cutting that out, but I feel as if it is too late. Ive never experienced this much mental, and emotional anguish in my life. On my time on this application I have given advice to others, and helped around, but I wonder if that even applies to me. Millions of times I wish I could turn back time and be more careful. I want to prevent many things, including what led me to spiral into OCD in the first place. I'm surely having an OCD episode. I have gotten a diagnosis, but I'm still not sure. I feel evil, cause unlike many here, I tested on my body sensations and it backfired (twice) I know I'm not supposed to figure out why that is the case, but now I have to live with it for the rest of my life even if its something I don't desire. This is disgusting for me, it is abhorrent. I could've never seen this coming. Day by day I've become more fearful of living with this, "OCD". I was a normal person before this, I knew what I was attracted to, I know my preferences, so why did this come about? This is singlehandedly the most painful thing that has happened to me and I have nobody but myself to blame. I am scared of death but I also would'nt mind sleeping for years on end. My parents and brother were understanding of my situation, but I failed them regardless. I don't want them to see me this way, nor do I want them to learn more of my predicament. I'm cooked. I know it, Fin, thats all folks. I'm only 20 and I already have other diagnosed mental illness so I recklessly brought upon myself another one. Its agonizing to live through, I wish this on nobody, not even my worst enemy. I can't even identify myself at this point. Its tearing me apart.

I don’t know what to do with this bs anymore. I’m crying again and again and again and again. I cannot describe how painful this is. I’ve recovered from every single OCD subtype expect this one. HOCD is so scary and it’s so incredibly scary how it feels so real. The issue with this subtype is how intertwined it is with feelings and sensations. I hate how it keeps latching onto the past and uses the past as proof. I don’t want it to be the truth. I don’t want to accept any possibility.

TW: ZOCD, porn Before my ZOCD theme started, I would never find myself asking such questions... I'd never go through my past events, every possible things that could have happened, where now I feel guilty off - it didn't really bother me as much. I do remember experiencing some other themes for a shorter amount of time, but they didn't hit me as much as this one. And you know, I wasn't exactly "happy". I was bored, tired 24/7, I wanted my life to be more exciting, I wanted a struggle, which now sounds incredibly ridiculous. And guess what? I've got it. But I didn't want this type of struggle, who the hell would? But now I think of it, it was about to happen at some point as my problems with porn since I was 11, escalated to some really questionable things (always fictional, but it still affected me a lot). The final straw was when I consumed some fucked up fanfiction this April and the immense guilt and shame hit me few days after that. I've started questioning my whole being - why did I do that? Am I what I fear? What's wrong with me? Why was I so desensitised? Am I just now discovering the real me? How can I forgive myself? I've wasted so much time and energy on that, but back then it wasn't even that much of an issue for me. I was so blind. I should have realised that sooner, but late is better than never. I've been doing better mentally than say, three weeks ago but really... I just hate how much porn took away from me. And combined with my morbid curiousity, it led me into some dark places. I can only be glad that I've never saw the real thing.