I feel like my head is so messed up. I tell myself, you wouldn't do the things you think about and fear, you have morals. But then I question if my morals are strong enough? Or if my morals have changed at all? I never used to question things like this until my ocd really flared up in the beginning of September, and it's sort of been hell since. Questioning myself, questioning my morals, questioning my intentions, feelings, everything. My main obsession right now is if I find the thoughts enjoyable or not. I feel constantly uncomfortable, uneasy, and anxious. Whenever I see kids in real life I feel fine, I know I'm not attracted to them. But when I'm in my head and the thoughts pop up I question everything and worry that I enjoy them, even though I don't feel bad about kids for the most part in real life? The thoughts are never usually even explicit, it's just like, do you see children in a sexual i ed way? Did you imagine that child in a sexual used way? And I bounce back and forth between being like "no, I'm fine, I know I'm not a pedophile, I find the thought of pedophilia disgusting," and "constant anxiety worrying that I am one and that I only feel anxiety all the time because deep down I know I'm a bad person." Does anyone else share any experiences similar to mine or have any words of wisdom?

T. I told you what you need to do and work on. I’ve done intense imaginable exposure on this and utilised ACT - it takes months but you have to take the leap of faith and reclaim who you want to be. Fuck what is cunting bully called OCD is telling you. You can be who you want to be, it might taunt you-but it will NEVER have the ability to control you beyond reach. Build you self trust - challenge the dragon and increase confidence. It will back off eventually. You know this already, so give yourself what you deserve and fight the beast. We are behind you all the way

My therapist has taught me a lot of new skills. Always wear a rubber band and When you have a bad thought snap it. Don’t hurt yourself ? but I think it helps calm me down. Also if you have any compulsions try really hard not to act on them. Journaling and exercising also help. I’ve been where you are. You’re not alone.

And remember OCD makes a big deal out of every bad thought.... most people have odd thoughts but they think about it for a second and say nah that’s not possible and it goes away. People can’t control thinking so well when you have OCD

Acceptance of dreadful thoughts like this is very difficult, but the brain has to re evaluate its relationship to them if you force it to. It simply doesn’t have a choice in the long run. That’s why the program changes as you change. Leap of faith.

sexualized*** I see autocorrect mucked it up both times sorry

@Crazylady thank you for your comments.... My anxiety about this just never really goes away, you know?

@Soniclen thank you for your advice, I try to follow all the advice given to me but when I'm anxious it's like nothing I've heard exists. I focus only on the fact that I'm anxious and that a bad thought caused me to be anxious and I try to figure out why I focus on/had the bad thought and why anxiety was the result which I KNOW doesn't help.... but it's almost like I can't help it when I'm anxious because all my bad thoughts feel true. I know the experience isn't unique to me, I just have a hard time believing I truly do have ocd even though my therapist said I do. I'm just so afraid that I really don't and that my thoughts mean something. *trigger warning* And I don't have a history of being abused as a child or anything, I developed this after getting intrusive thoughts when I learned a little girl who lived in my town was sexually abused. It didn't affect me like this at first, but I would periodically get intrusive thoughts after that and they absolutely destroyed me. I didn't really develop this full on obsession until after I was having a rough patch with intrusive thoughts and while simultaneously learning about Freud and psychoanalysis (I'm a psych major). Needless to say that completely freaked me out and I developed this obsession and it seems the thoughts have only gotten worse since, even though they weren't like that in the beginning and have only gotten like that these past months (the beginning of the school year when I learned about Freud in my university class). I feel like I've heard all the advice but because I still doubt that I have ocd it's so hard for me to apply it.... As the thoughts have gotten worse, I've also worried that I have or will begin to "enjoy" them, which rips me to shreds. I'm so sorry for the terribly long reply, I just felt the need to explain myself. Even though that doesn't really change anything. Even so, I appreciate your reply so so much. Thank you ?

T. I will get back to you on this. You and I are very similar. And there are the core themes. ‘Will allowing these sick thoughts and images train my brain to like the ideas presented sexually, even if I’m repulsed morally?’ ‘What will others think of me if they knew I thought these things, even though I didn’t want to?’ Neither of these have perfect answers. But neither have to control you either. Mine were and are bad because mine are tied to sensory information too making those that replicate my abuse by my cousin particularly dreadful. But exposure is exposure. I’ve come to accept that some learned behaviour is there and it is technically possible such a dreadful predilection could develop. But it could in anyone. So I focus on who I want to be, and practise self forgiveness for thoughts I NEVER ASKED FOR OR WANTED!. I’m trying to trust my brain that while it is given allowance to process such dreadful thoughts, that it will simultaneously hold onto its natural preferences and beliefs. Those beliefs are still in your head along with the worries. It just needs to unlearn the fear, not your intimate preferences. Again - self trust, fake it till you make it. You’re building circuitry here. Give it time.