Sometimes I worry that I don’t have ocd and that I’m losing my mind and that I’ll never feel better again. I was starting to feel really good last night and I thought it was finally over so I went ahead and did a lot of the stuff I enjoyed doing before this happened (the reason I had to stop was because certain things were triggering in either one way or another) but eventually I hit a point where I just could not bring myself to do something because it was causing too much anxiety. I got this horrible image last night in a dream and then I began to get a flurry of bothersome thoughts, so now I have 2 obsessions to worry about now. The first one is kind of in control but I’m just afraid what’s going to happen to my brain and I’m worried about having an episode in front of my family, who I’m supposed to be having a small dinner with today. I don’t want to tell them what’s going on but I’m afraid they’ll notice that I’m not well. I’m never present because I’m always in my head analyzing and ruminating and worrying. The feeling last night gave me hope that I could be myself again but I just worry that these thoughts will always linger and make me lose my mind. :(

As the title says I think I might have a new theme coming and it’s meta :( lately I’ve been ruminating on the thought I’ll never get over ocd and even though I’ve made some progress it tells me it doesn’t matter as it’ll always be the same or that I’m in denial with things,or if I don’t constantly keep doing perfectly good with my exposures I’ll always keep going backwards, etc etc. and it doesn’t help it partners with the other themes I have but idk all day I’ve been overwhelmed with these thoughts and last night I had a meltdown over it. Idk what to really do cause I can’t stop ruminating on it and tomorrow is my last day of school and I wanna make it good but I’m afraid my thoughts won’t stop even then or I’ll never actually improve.

Ive been doing well with managing my ocd for a while since ive been putting all my focus on my work. But today was a particularly bad day, and im scared that I might be getting a flare up again. My last one was horribly debilitating for months so I am terrified of it occurring again, even though this time around im better equipped with a psychiatrist and meds. But its just such a scary feeling of doom and panic, I havent been able to sleep all night. I just hope im overthinking it again and that ill be ok.

I don’t know what happened but I feel like my OCD is back and I’m crying because I’ve been doing so good and now I feel like all of a sudden it’s back and I don’t want to go down this path again because it was really dark time for me and I was doing good like and I’m getting my medicine switched and I started a new one tomorrow but I don’t know I feel like there’s a spell on me. I can’t go through this again and I am crying I just I can’t go through this hell hole again and I really need help in advice to say strong during this because I can’t do this like I can’t do this again I can’t I hate how my brain is like so mad and just yells at me like I have to think about this in order for her to go away like no I don’t want to think about it but if I don’t think about whatever it wants me to think about, it’s like gets louder and louder in my head, and like the more urgent, feeling of having to think about it, in order to go away, I know it’s OCD I know it’s OCD and then like what if it’s not OCD like no if I don’t wanna think about something obviously it’s OCD it’s OCD it’s always OCD whatever my brain wants me to think about and it gets louder and louder. It’s just it’s OCD bro it’s OCD, I think I am going on a spiral and I just really need help like I’m tired of my OCD wanting to think about things and then saying it’s not OCD when it’s literally OCD