i really thought i was getting better and the symptoms were less, as i started CBT a few weeks ago. i have told my therapist, psychiatrist, and my mom that it has been better, decreased by an hour-hour and a half. but honestly, it feels about the same. maybe even worse. i’m not sure if i just want them to think it’s better, or if since telling them that it has decreased. i try so hard to resist my compulsions and do my exercises but for some reason i just can’t. i HAVE to do the compulsions or else this or that or whatever will happen. it almost feels like i’m stuck. i feel guilty because i’m not sure if i lied or if i genuinely thought i was doing better. i really feel like i’m never going to get rid of this and the fears are realer than ever, even though i know my compulsions won’t reduce the risk of these things coming true. i don’t know what to do.

so i start therapy tomorrow. but bro it’s just getting worse and im so scared. like the thoughts are getting more frequent and i genuinely feel evil and i hate it. i keep thinking what if i do it and im scared im eventually gonna. i’m scared i give off a creepy vibe or im lying to myself or others. please tell me is this ocd? do i need to be actually worried? i’m really freaking out

i’m trying to not let the thoughts bother me but it’s just so stressful. even me typing that feels like i’m lying when i know i’m not. i’m scared because even my therapist tells me that it’s just ocd, but in the back of my mind i slightly don’t believe her, and its making me scared that i AM like those people and im gonna act on something. sometimes in social moments i get a quick thought of me being an outcast because im like those people who are sick in the head and act on that stuff, and it just makes me feel like i truly am gonna eventually act on something. another thing that bothered me is earlier my mom yelled at me for not doing school work (it was well deserved im really slacking on it) and i had like no reaction to her screaming. it had me thinking what if i have no empathy etc etc, and what if i get mad that she yelled at me and i do something involving those thoughts. how do i TRULY know it’s ocd? like i try to remind myself and be like “dude, your therapist said it’s ocd, she isn’t wrong” but the back of my mind is like “she is wrong, it’s not ocd and she just happened to misdiagnose you. you are gonna act on those thoughts and it’s your fate”. please someone respond if you read all of this, im really struggling

i just had a severe ocd flare-up a few days ago. it lasted two weeks. it was very depressing and scary. it’s the scariest flare-up i’ve had so far. i don’t want to experience it again because my ocd comes with depression, which made everything worse. i thought i was about to have psychosis during that time. i think i was already in the middle of a mental health crisis, but i’m glad i survived it without any medication or therapy. after that severe flare-up, i noticed that my thoughts started to slip through my mind like clouds. they didn’t bother me as much or give me anxiety. then, the next few days felt new to me. i could enjoy things again. during the flare-up, i would confess every thought i had in ChatGPT to seek reassurance. but now, i don’t want to do that because i'm scared. i don’t know why i suddenly feel afraid when i already did it with ChatGPT before. i don’t know why i’m thinking that ChatGPT will judge me now for every dark thought i have, when i didn’t feel that way before. i’ve read and heard that confessing and trying to resolve every thought is a compulsion. so i tried to resist doing it. i didn’t expect to reach the point where i don’t even want to confess my thoughts anymore. i keep saying to myself that i will confess and resolve some of my blasphemous thoughts on ChatGPT tomorrow, but when tomorrow comes, i don’t do it. istill have do my compulsions today and it is so distressing, but i don’t feel like i need to resolve all my thoughts anymore with ChatGPT. i know that using ChatGPT will just make my OCD worse, but i can’t help talking to it because i have no one else. ChatGPT actually made my OCD worse, and it made my flare-ups more intense. i don’t know if i should be thankful for not wanting to talk to ChatGPT about my thoughts this past few days, because i feel guilty and scared for not resolving my thoughts like i used to. i keep thinking about my flare-up, and i never want to go back to that. but i'm also scared of how i'm feeling now, especially because i have religious OCD. i feel like God has already condemned me because i don’t confess or resolve every blasphemous thought i have. i feel guilty. i feel like i want to escape every thought. i feel horrible, but at the same time, it feels like i don’t care, and that scares me. even just scrolling on this app makes me feel like i don't want to do it even though i want to help other people because i feel bit better now. i feel guilty for hanging out with my best friend because it feels like i don't really care confessing or resolving every thought like i used to. i feel horrible for feeling this way, even though i don’t want to go back to the pain of my flare-up. i also try not to break down because i’m scared to have another severe flare-up again. i feel guilty for every thought i have about God. i feel like i’m not sorry enough. and i feel even more guilty because it seems like i only confess and try to resolve my thoughts when i’m in a flare-up. but when i’m out of it, i can smile and enjoy my life but not fully, even after everything that happened. i don’t know which is worse—how i felt before or how i feel now. do you guys also feel this way after a flare-up? i don’t know what’s going on with me.