i really thought i was getting better and the symptoms were less, as i started CBT a few weeks ago. i have told my therapist, psychiatrist, and my mom that it has been better, decreased by an hour-hour and a half. but honestly, it feels about the same. maybe even worse. i’m not sure if i just want them to think it’s better, or if since telling them that it has decreased. i try so hard to resist my compulsions and do my exercises but for some reason i just can’t. i HAVE to do the compulsions or else this or that or whatever will happen. it almost feels like i’m stuck. i feel guilty because i’m not sure if i lied or if i genuinely thought i was doing better. i really feel like i’m never going to get rid of this and the fears are realer than ever, even though i know my compulsions won’t reduce the risk of these things coming true. i don’t know what to do.

So honestly the worst part of (what I think is) my OCD is the "groinal syndrome"... My intrusive thoughts were fading, but now all the doubt is creeping back in because of it. I know that I'm not what my thoughts try and persuade me I am. My whole identity is much more solid now than it was when I was at my worst. But at the same time, the anxiety is still there and the groinal response thing has started to come back recently... I try not to do anything compulsive but a lot of my compulsions are mental ones so I find myself doing them before I can even stop myself. Am I just going to be stuck with the anxiety & the physical manifestations forever?? Because even now, after I have learned about OCD, and after things started to get better, I am still experiencing it. I'm terrified to get a diagnosis too, in case they tell me it's not OCD or in case there's nothing they can do to help me :/ Ach I hate this all so much ?

Sometimes I worry that I don’t have ocd and that I’m losing my mind and that I’ll never feel better again. I was starting to feel really good last night and I thought it was finally over so I went ahead and did a lot of the stuff I enjoyed doing before this happened (the reason I had to stop was because certain things were triggering in either one way or another) but eventually I hit a point where I just could not bring myself to do something because it was causing too much anxiety. I got this horrible image last night in a dream and then I began to get a flurry of bothersome thoughts, so now I have 2 obsessions to worry about now. The first one is kind of in control but I’m just afraid what’s going to happen to my brain and I’m worried about having an episode in front of my family, who I’m supposed to be having a small dinner with today. I don’t want to tell them what’s going on but I’m afraid they’ll notice that I’m not well. I’m never present because I’m always in my head analyzing and ruminating and worrying. The feeling last night gave me hope that I could be myself again but I just worry that these thoughts will always linger and make me lose my mind. :(

My biggest obsession at the moment is that I am not going to get better, or, am I going to get better. My therapist is making me say a script to myself about not get better and never being well again, losing my family and suffering for the rest of my life. I am so scared I am doing it wrong. I don't stop worrying about getting better all day long, it goes round and round in my head. I am full of anxiety and pain. I am apparently supposed to really believe that I might not ever get better...but I can't MAKE myself believe that. I still hope to get better....is that wrong? Is that not doing erp right. What if I can't get the erp done correctly??? I feel like my therapist and I are just going round in circles as I am not grasping it properly