Struggling hard today. Really hard. I seem to have identified my “core fear” that’s underlying most of my recent themes: I’m afraid of myself. I’m afraid of who I am “deep down.” I’m afraid my identity is a fraud. I’m afraid I don’t know myself and never will. And I’m afraid to know who that “real” person is. I’m afraid knowing it would mean losing all attachment to everything I have in my life now. I use quotes because rationally if I were talking to someone else on here I know I’d tell them there is no “deep down,” and there is no secret more “real” person. I’d tell them to sit with the doubt and learn to tolerate it. I’d tell them it will get easier with practice. And yet right now, I am at such a high distress level I can barely think. I’ve been having an anxiety attack for 4.5 hours now. And it won’t stop. All of this was triggered by being home with family for thanksgiving. Being home means being in an environment with people who know me and have known me my whole life. I know they have a specific image of me and think they know me. And sitting next to the people I care about most in the world and not being sure that the image they have is “real” is terrifying. If I’m someone else entirely, I worry I’ll lose them. And even if I don’t lose them, I worry they’ll lose me — lose their daughter that they have known and loved for so long. I would hate to make them mourn the loss of me and have to accept some new/different version that even I barely know. The distress of defining my identity and being comfortable with it has been weaving in and out of my themes the past few years: ROCD, HOCD, TOCD. I’m not sure how it fits into my themes from youth (health ocd and existential ocd.) but it may if I dug a little deeper. I don’t know who I am. And I’m trying to remind myself to do what I tell everyone to do: “maybe there are parts of me deep down I don’t know. Or maybe not. I don’t know. And I don’t need to know with any more certainty than I have in this moment.” Sit with that. But the anxiety just won’t stop. I wish I knew exactly who I was. Being so unsure makes me feel uncomfortable just being with myself. And I can’t believe that we all have to live with a disorder that can make us feel this way based on absolutely nothing but doubt.

They’re getting more intense.. My mind wonders if what i’m feeling is really OCD.. what if it’s not and i’m in denial? Why is my life like this, a constant loop of fears and stress holding me back. I just want to live. To be the kind boy everyone knows. To make and be a difference. There’s sometimes I wish I could stay asleep.. to rest for a while. To hibernate all these feelings away. But I know that’s not how it works. Each tear I shed is a reminder of the hell I live every day when I open my eyes. I don’t know who I am anymore. I don’t know why I am anymore. Please someone.. advice, words of positivity, something.. I feel so alone. I’m scared. I don’t know where else to go.

Lately, I have been able to manage my OCD thoughts kind of. They’re still there but I kind of push them away? I know that pushing them away doesn’t help but it’s been my only way to survive. I get scared often about things like clothes or my voice or how I present myself. I get scared that I want to dress differently or act differently and it scares me. I know for a fact I don’t want boobs or anything like that, but my mind constantly is like “What if?” and it kills me. It has ruined everything for me. Sometimes I can’t even look in the mirror because I get scared that I won’t like what I see. I’ve also been afraid because I find myself relating to many female characters, or I want to act like them. Like Pearl from Steven Universe. I want to be graceful and elegant like her, but I don’t want to be a girl you know? My mind constantly pushes these thoughts of what if and images. Because I am not like most guys. Which I know is okay. It just freaks me out. It makes me question every aspect of my being. I know who I am, but I know that the only way to move forward is to accept that maybe I don’t.. It’s just a lot.

I have come so far in my therapy and days like today feel like I’m just still buried in OCD. Sometimes it is so insidious and I don’t realize I’m in a loop. Once I do realize it, it’s hard to get out. I thought sharing here may help, as I never have, but I know you guys will understand. It’s so hard to decipher between regular anxiety and obsessions and compulsions. It has all just become one big ball of panic. Anyway, I’m just struggling today - so thanks for listening.