Struggling hard today. Really hard. I seem to have identified my “core fear” that’s underlying most of my recent themes: I’m afraid of myself. I’m afraid of who I am “deep down.” I’m afraid my identity is a fraud. I’m afraid I don’t know myself and never will. And I’m afraid to know who that “real” person is. I’m afraid knowing it would mean losing all attachment to everything I have in my life now. I use quotes because rationally if I were talking to someone else on here I know I’d tell them there is no “deep down,” and there is no secret more “real” person. I’d tell them to sit with the doubt and learn to tolerate it. I’d tell them it will get easier with practice. And yet right now, I am at such a high distress level I can barely think. I’ve been having an anxiety attack for 4.5 hours now. And it won’t stop. All of this was triggered by being home with family for thanksgiving. Being home means being in an environment with people who know me and have known me my whole life. I know they have a specific image of me and think they know me. And sitting next to the people I care about most in the world and not being sure that the image they have is “real” is terrifying. If I’m someone else entirely, I worry I’ll lose them. And even if I don’t lose them, I worry they’ll lose me — lose their daughter that they have known and loved for so long. I would hate to make them mourn the loss of me and have to accept some new/different version that even I barely know. The distress of defining my identity and being comfortable with it has been weaving in and out of my themes the past few years: ROCD, HOCD, TOCD. I’m not sure how it fits into my themes from youth (health ocd and existential ocd.) but it may if I dug a little deeper. I don’t know who I am. And I’m trying to remind myself to do what I tell everyone to do: “maybe there are parts of me deep down I don’t know. Or maybe not. I don’t know. And I don’t need to know with any more certainty than I have in this moment.” Sit with that. But the anxiety just won’t stop. I wish I knew exactly who I was. Being so unsure makes me feel uncomfortable just being with myself. And I can’t believe that we all have to live with a disorder that can make us feel this way based on absolutely nothing but doubt.

"Pure" OCD

pureolife

Date posted: 5y

I really appreciate everyone’s support here. It means a lot. I do my best to share what I’ve learned with others and try to make other people’s dark times a little less dark. You’ve all certainly done that for me. I’m getting through this set back and refocusing on doing erp. I had taken a break and it’s clear I need to restart because I’ve backtracked. And that’s okay. I wish you all so much luck with your own journeys.

chewyiamme

Date posted: 5y

We are all here for eachother ♥

ButterflyStar

Date posted: 5y

I also can resonate with the first parts that I wouldn't give others the rules or advice that I myself live under by OCD. My therapist says it's something called Cognitive Dissonance Wishing you the best for your recovery ❤️

ButterflyStar

Date posted: 5y

I think OCD can easily become our identity card that we have of ourselves. Like if you were to imagine introducing yourself it would be. "Hi I'm Ella and I AM OCD. I'm a walking, talking, living OCD human." But we're not, right? There's other parts to us. But our suffering of OCD consumes us and we identify as solely being OCD. Im still in this, with one of my goals to build confidence in these coming years to gain a broader perspective of ALL the parts of me, not just OCD and the intrusive thoughts. Not sure if any of that even makes sense..

Stronger.

Date posted: 5y

Beautifully said.

chewyiamme

Date posted: 5y

im afraid to...

Ben84

Date posted: 5y

I'm sure it feels terrible, but it sounds like you're doing a good job processing ☺.

Stronger.

Date posted: 5y

Aww. I’m sorry. I’ve noticed that the less OCD I have it’s easier to see who the real me is. When my OCD gets bad I too fear that that’s the real me, and the other me is a lie. When you are healthy though you’ll be on the other side. Keep up the good work. And exercise and eat healthy.

ocdtrying

Date posted: 5y

Wow, I’ve been thinking about this so much lately and I really REALLY relate - the uncertainty can be debilitating at times and the fact that people can perceive us in ways we may not know is really really scary sometimes. Know you’re not alone in this and you won’t feel like this forever! ❤️

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