Struggling hard today. Really hard. I seem to have identified my “core fear” that’s underlying most of my recent themes: I’m afraid of myself. I’m afraid of who I am “deep down.” I’m afraid my identity is a fraud. I’m afraid I don’t know myself and never will. And I’m afraid to know who that “real” person is. I’m afraid knowing it would mean losing all attachment to everything I have in my life now. I use quotes because rationally if I were talking to someone else on here I know I’d tell them there is no “deep down,” and there is no secret more “real” person. I’d tell them to sit with the doubt and learn to tolerate it. I’d tell them it will get easier with practice. And yet right now, I am at such a high distress level I can barely think. I’ve been having an anxiety attack for 4.5 hours now. And it won’t stop. All of this was triggered by being home with family for thanksgiving. Being home means being in an environment with people who know me and have known me my whole life. I know they have a specific image of me and think they know me. And sitting next to the people I care about most in the world and not being sure that the image they have is “real” is terrifying. If I’m someone else entirely, I worry I’ll lose them. And even if I don’t lose them, I worry they’ll lose me — lose their daughter that they have known and loved for so long. I would hate to make them mourn the loss of me and have to accept some new/different version that even I barely know. The distress of defining my identity and being comfortable with it has been weaving in and out of my themes the past few years: ROCD, HOCD, TOCD. I’m not sure how it fits into my themes from youth (health ocd and existential ocd.) but it may if I dug a little deeper. I don’t know who I am. And I’m trying to remind myself to do what I tell everyone to do: “maybe there are parts of me deep down I don’t know. Or maybe not. I don’t know. And I don’t need to know with any more certainty than I have in this moment.” Sit with that. But the anxiety just won’t stop. I wish I knew exactly who I was. Being so unsure makes me feel uncomfortable just being with myself. And I can’t believe that we all have to live with a disorder that can make us feel this way based on absolutely nothing but doubt.

I’m having a really, really hard day. I usually stick to being positive and giving advice on here, but I need to share right now. For reference, I have trans ocd. I decided to sign up and commit to this series of yoga classes not realizing that going to them was going to trigger me repeatedly, way beyond my current limits. There’s so much work on emotions and connecting to the body. And somehow my entire class ended up being women. I’ve been in a state of panic for two days now that I can’t seem to get out of. I’m convinced all of my OCD fears are more true than ever and I can’t seem to come up with anything, even a compulsion, to convince me otherwise. Ive been trying to sit in the uncertainty but the panic just. won’t. stop. I didn’t sleep last night. I’ve barely eaten in 2 days. This is basically flooding. What’s most upsetting is that I’ve been in therapy and was doing better. These set backs make it harder and harder to keep trying because they re-traumatize and sensitize me to all of my triggers. I’m committed to two months of these classes and paid for them. I want to push through. I want to be capable of this. I want to overcome each fear, but my body keeps responding with utter panic and terror. I don’t know how I can continue if my body just won’t let me. I’ve experienced many lows with OCD. I’m trying to keep perspective that none of them lasted forever and this can’t either. But I’m struggling to function at the moment. And all I want to do is give in to what my OCD is telling me: “you can’t connect to your body because you are trans and in denial. You want a flat chest and a penis and a beard. You don’t want breasts. You need to accept it. You need to transition and be the man you really are. You need to stop trying to be a woman because it’s fake. You need to surrender. You need to stop being such a baby. Deep down you know it’s true. Give in already. For anyone also experiencing trans ocd: my thoughts are with you. I know the pain of this is real and can destroy your life. I hope this gets easier. I wish I had a safe space to climb into and forget about everything for awhile. But you can’t escape your mind.

If the uncertainty leads me to accept the thing i am running away from how was that not true and if the uncertainty the may be or maybe not in the future gets me to do something i might be in denial of what then?!? This is a possibility and a big one cause if i would have been so sure if myself why would i even question in the first place…And with uncertainty how do i know anything for sure and people who don't know will say they are gender queer so how am i not that.….. ¡ have stopped feeling the anxiety and all these feel real and I don't even react to it cause i am tired and numb to them its like I don't know who i am anymore and everyone with soocd constantly says they know they are straight or whatever and i used to earlier and now I don't why dont i?! Why do i feel like thats a lie or could be a lie and my brain has confused my emotions and feelings to the point where nothing feels real anymore and i feel like an imposter and someone who doesn't know who she is and is suffering…… is this ocd doing this or my thoughts being real just me not realising? Is this ocd i am constantly trying to figure out if the thoughts are real or not and then i say if its real i type all this because i am scared and fear and in denial like where does this end?!

How long will this go on for? I’m so tired. I don’t know how much more of this I can take. I just want it to go away. It’s hard to accept uncertainty when you were once so sure and confident about yourself. Why did this happen to me? How did it happen to me? I feel so sick and unsure and alone and fraudulent. I feel like the only solution is just to not exist anymore. I don’t want reassurance. I already know who I am and what I want. I just want my fucking brain to shut up. I want it to stop convincing me that I’m someone I’m not. I want the night terrors and migraines to go away. I want the pit and aches in my stomach to stop. I want to be able to breathe without my breath shuddering. I want to be able to read lesbian media again without my brain telling me that I’m faking my sexuality and that I’m not actually a lesbian. I want to be able to listen to songs again without my brain giving me intrusive thoughts about being with men and liking it. I want to be proud about who I am without my brain telling me that I’m going to fuck/end up with a man and be happy. I want the straight fantasies to go away. I want to be able to cry about something that isn’t ocd again. I want to stop being numb after crying and accepting my “straightness” bc I know I’m not no matter how much my brain tells me “your heart knows you’re straight. You know you’re straight. You were never attracted to women.” I want to stop picturing being happy with men and being “ok” with it. And then getting anxious the very next second and not know why. I want it all to fucking stop. I want to be able to at least tolerate living again.