- Date posted
- 6y
- Date posted
- 6y
My HOCD started when I was young. I must've been 14-15 years old. I was brutally bullied and even receive a rape threat. Now I had always liked girls. I remember being 9-10 and imagining myself kissing girls. I remember imagining girls naked. The whole nine yards. The bullying messed me up. I suddenly started to get intrusive thoughts. They'd even get to me when I masturbated. Till one day I decided to test myself. Something that went on for a few months. And it messed me up. That's why they tell you to never do that if you have this condition. Of course I didn't know I had OCD. I suddenly realised that I was miserable and didn't like what I was going through. So I stopped. I went on to fall in love with a girl. Kiss a girl. I almost had sex a few times. It all seemed like it was gone, but every time I felt a little miserable this kept coming back. I finally had a relationship and was happy, but after I broke up it came back. I'm doing a little better now, thank God.
- Date posted
- 6y
My hOCD started this past June while I was 23. I had just confirmed my ex-boyfriend (my very first relationship) from a couple years back was gay and it just broke me because I thought he genuinely cared about me. I also started a new job and started having thoughts about if I was gay too and hiding it all along. I've been in a relationship with a great guy for over 2 years now and hocd makes me feel like I'm lying to him like my ex did to me. Being intimate is a struggle sometimes, and I'm constantly doubting if I love him. It's definitely better now than it was months ago, but I'm still recovering
- Date posted
- 6y
I'm suffering from HOCD. Not sure how you'd like me to describe it.
- Date posted
- 6y
What are your symptoms? How are you getting over with? Are you in therapy?
- Date posted
- 6y
That's very tough @Arukawi. Did you see any warning signs when you two were dating? How long were you in a relationship? Were you intimate/physical?
- Date posted
- 6y
I didn't really notice them! I think I was just too in love with him to realize our relationship wasn't great. We were together for about a year, but never super intimate because he could never get aroused Looking back on it now I should've known because there were so many signs I just didn't pick up on when I was younger
- Date posted
- 6y
It's weird, but your response triggered me. OCD, and specifically HOCD and POCD can completely deplete your sex drive and that reminded me of a few times I couldn't get aroused and I got freaked out again. That's why it took me time to respond. Truth is that at his age I constantly wanted to meet a girl have a relationship and have sex. That was basically all I could think of. However, hormonal imbalances can make you unable to get aroused (aka impotence). I actually have to see a doctor about that.
- Date posted
- 6y
It's normal to feel betrayed, but remember that some couples get married and either partner can end up leaving the other for someone of the same sex. I'm glad that never happened to you. No one deserves that.
Related posts
- Date posted
- 12w
trigger warning!!!!!! I’m really scared right now. I’ve been reading Elle Warren’s articles about her experience with HOCD/SO-OCD, and it feels so similar to mine. She went through the same fears of being a lesbian, felt distressed by her attraction to women, and spent hours ruminating, Googling, and analyzing her feelings. She even experienced groinal responses and revisited old memories, just like I do. Eventually, she had a moment of realization in college when she flirted with a girl, and everything clicked. She now identifies as a lesbian. I’m terrified that the same thing will happen to me. I thought the OCD fears were supposed to never be true and that HOCD thoughts are usually just compulsions that don’t end up being real. But reading her story, it’s like I’m seeing my own experience mirrored. What if it clicks for me, just like it did for her? What if I realize that I am a lesbian? Elle’s story makes me so scared. I thought my feelings of attraction to women were just OCD-driven, and now I’m questioning everything. I thought I was straight, but now, reading her journey, I’m wondering: could my OCD fears actually be real? Elle’s experience was very similar to mine: • She got distressed when she thought she might like women, not relieved. • She spent a lot of time ruminating, Googling, analyzing, and comparing. • Her attraction to women only became intense when her OCD flared up. • She said things like, “I feel peace when I believe I’m straight.” • She had already been diagnosed with OCD and had a history of this pattern. After years of fear and distress, Elle had a moment of calm and realized that it was true. I’m scared that this could happen to me too. Will I have a similar moment of acceptance, where everything clicks and I realize I’m gay? Or will I come to accept that this is all OCD, and that I’m straight, with the possibility that I’m not? I also keep thinking back to when my OCD lessened the first time. Did I go back to men because I wasn’t actually attracted to women, or was it just because the grip of the OCD had loosened? Elle also talked about the shame associated with non-heterosexuality. She mentioned that, like many of us, she had internalized stigma around being gay, and that it made her fear the possibility of being non-heterosexual. I can relate to this so much—growing up, I never saw it as an option to be anything other than straight, and now it’s hard to shake that fear and shame. Elle mentioned that she found reassurance in seeing other people with HOCD who worried that their fears would come true, but eventually realized they were just OCD thoughts. That idea is comforting, but also a little scary, because what if that moment of realization happens for me too? What if I finally accept that I am a lesbian? Or, what if I’m just struggling with OCD and eventually realize I’m straight? I just don’t know. The scariest part is that, just like Elle, I feel like I don’t have any obvious signs. She had no idea she was a lesbian until one day, everything clicked. She was 21, just like me when my OCD fears really flared up, and she had a breakthrough moment in Denver when she made friends with lesbians. That hasn’t happened for me yet, and it’s terrifying to think that it could happen in the future. I don’t know what’s going to happen, but I’m really scared about where this will lead.
- Date posted
- 8w
TW: SO-OCD. I have been a part of the NOCD community for around 4 years now. I am seeing more and more posts, but I am very rarely seeing people actually commenting, reposting and engaging back. I think I have always had obsessive thoughts, but never knew it was a thing until around 5 years ago. I believe my first theme was Harm OCD, when my little brother was first born in 2007. I used to scream at night as I was so worried he was going to be kidnapped, or he may d*e. I would avoid sleeping at friends house's, my dad's (as my parents had split) as I thought if I wasn't there to protect him then something bad would happen. My mum said she would wake up and I would be asleep net to his cot in the morning (I was only 10 at the time). Fast forward to 2017, where me and my high school boyfriend split up, I convinced myself I may be gay as I no longer wanted to have sex with him (almost found it a chore). I was 16/17. We split up and I lived my 'single' life. Spent my time dating males etc and then myself and my ex got back together in 2018. My intrusive thoughts took a turn for the worst in lockdown, when again may libido decreased significantly, and I didn't feel and ;urge' with my boyfriend sStill current partner). I remember one day, bursting into tears, had a panic attack and cried for hours with the most excruciating anxiety chest pains. I told him and my mum about my thoughts. They are both incredibly supportive and my mu actually told me that she had these thoughts too when she was round 19 and still does now (I also didn't know that COD can be inherited). After about 18 months of the worst mental health, significant weight loss, social thoughts and almost ending my relationship, I started to see light at the end of the tunnel. 2022, things started to get better. My partner and I were in the best place we could have EVER been! Sex life was AMAZING (quality of quantity I mean) and I honestly thought, this was the end. March 2024 I fell pregnant. Again, I had a great pregnancy, sec life was great, was so excited for our future. I have never been one to be bothered about marriage, but kept having this lovely vision of us getting married and our little girl walking down the aisle. Baby girls born in November 2024 and BAM, SO-OCD and ROCD have kicked in. I am now questioning my sexuality again, if I am in the right relationship, am I just 'settling'?, does he deserve me?, am I in denial?, what if we get married and then it turns out I am gay?, I don't want him to propose as I am scared etc. Just relentless every single day. I even question, if any of the conversations I have had with family and friends where they have related to me, were even real or if I made them up for my own comfort, so that I do't feel alone?! I am constantly reviewing past events, as I worry that I wanted to explore my sexuality in university, as I remember having an amazing friendship with a lesbian (who was, I am not afraid to admit, very 'handsome'), and we did flirt, as she did with everyone!! But we never took it any further, it never crossed my mind! I almost don't even get the 'anxiety/'sick' feeling anymore because I am SO used to the thoughts. I don't have an urge to act on my thoughts, but they are also no longer debilitating for me. I just feel exhausted with them. They are ALWAYS there. I have gone down the rabbit hole of avoiding meeting new women friends incase 'I find them attractive', if there is a same sex couple on a program I watch, I automatically avoid. I compare my relationship to others. I saw an insta reel yesterday of a women in her 30's that said 'when you're lay in bed with your husband, searching 'Am I Gay' questionnaires and you decide to divorce and follow your heart' and it was a page dedicated to her helping other mid life adults cope with coming out as gay! It really really really triggered me. I am just exhausted. If anybody else wants to share there story, comment below. It doesn't have to be the same sub types, but just an opportunity to vent!
- Date posted
- 27d
Is anyone here actually gay and has/had sexuality or religious ocd? I don't have it at all haha I'm a lesbian myself without socd or religious ocd but I'm just curious: what's it like and how did you deal with the whole "biggest fear coming true" thing?
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