- Username
- feethebee
- Date posted
- 3y ago
you're so welcome! this can feel so isolating but none of us are alone! I also have trouble with recognizing compulsions. "Pure O" seems to be especially difficult because we're not necessarily doing "physical compulsions" but instead can be doing a lot of rumination/overthinking/mental "checking"/reviewing. I am still learning how to better identify these things and, although I have received some therapy for OCD in the past, have recently started with a therapist here on NOCD and am hopeful to start identifying some of my compulsions so I can cut them out and do response prevention. I wasn't officially "diagnosed" with OCD until kinda recently but definitely was still struggling with it for many years before. have you been matched with a therapist here on NOCD or some other therapist who specializes in OCD and uses ERP? I feel like this is an important step in recovery!
yes, pure o is so damn confusing. i enjoy researching about mental health conditions (id like to pursue a career in the mental health field) and every time i read something about ocd i mostly see things like counting, checking, praying, repetitive behaviors and stuff being listed as compulsions and i start feeling extremely doubtful again because i don't exactly fit these particular criteria. im afraid that i might not actually have ocd and just be a "broken failure" or that im just overdramatic or a delusional liar. im very happy to hear you've gotten back to therapy and i hope that it goes well for you! you deserve to recover! as for me, i don't live in neither the us nor the uk so i don't have access to a nocd therapist, but either way i don't have access to therapy in general at the moment because im a teenager with really REALLY ignorant parents. at this point im just thinking of waiting till i get full-blown classic ocd with physical compulsions so that my parents can take me seriously
this was hard to write. i was questioning whether all of this is factually true or completely made up whilst writing it. i feel so lost and confused. i constantly have this doubt that i might be unconsciously deceiving everyone here because im just an attention-seeker or that im having false memories
You are not stupid. OCD is also known as the "doubting disorder" because it can make us doubt literally anything. I know that when OCD tries new angles on us it can be very confusing because it's hard to recognize it as OCD at first. The thing is, OCD can use ANY angle and get us doubting something. Even our own identities. OCD has recently tried a new angle on me and I know how hard it can be to just keep recognizing it as the same shit and using the same ERP principles to treat it, even when it seems to feel "new" or "different". it's not easy though and you are not alone
thank you so much for responding, your insight is greatly appreciated. i know well that ocd can latch onto anything, it's definitely pretty confusing and it makes me question whether i truly have ocd sometimes. one of my biggest problems is that i have a hard time recognizing compulsions. when i first started having ocd i did so many compulsions it was crystal clear that i had ocd but now im not so sure if im doing compulsions as much aside from compulsive avoidance so im stuck in a cycle of doubting whether i have this disorder or not. im undiagnosed by the way.
@feethebee your post is literally what I'm going through right now and I could have wrote everything you wrote myself. I too am struggling with my identity and are terrified I have a personality disorder or that I'm actually a psychopath and not OCD, even though I have suffered with OCD since being young and like you the compulsions used to be clear where as now I don't feel I have any. how long have you suffered with OCD, I wonder if its long term untreated OCD which can cause us to feel this way and become so confused with things.
@Kimberley* im sorry to hear that you're going through this! it's really exhausting and concerning the part about personality disorders, i used to have a whole obsession about being a narcissist accompanied by irrational compulsions. i first showed some ocd symptoms 3 years ago, but i didn't know it was ocd and it went away pretty quickly. throughout 2020, i had some mild rocd for about a week, i sometimes had on and off checking compulsions, i had a severe out-of-the-blue ocd episode in august that lasted about a day, and i developed full blown ocd in october. ive been this way ever since. it might be fading away again slowly i don't know perhaps im still in the developing stage.
@feethebee yes definitely, its so frightening to worry that you just arnt sure who you are its the worst possible thing. I too during this episode have obsessed o could be a narcissist or sociopath and have done countless online tests. have you ever obsessed about your emotions? I feel like I can't feel anything at all and like I don't care and this only feeds my anxieties. I have been on anti depressants for 9 years and know they can cause emotional blunting but I still always think its because I'm a terrible person. I just hate how OCD has taken away who I was to the point im not even sure who I am anymore. I just want to feel again and be confident with my personality and my mind. sorry that you have to suffer with this also I hope it brings you some comfort that you are not alone in this. X
@Kimberley* i personally was so scared to even look up npd symptoms because,, what if i related to some?? i just obsessively checked whether what i say through text sounds self-absorbed, or if i spoke in first person too much (there's no too much here i was just being paranoid). I'd constantly delete text and retype texts again because i was afraid i sounded narcissistic even though i didn't. and id delete them and retype them again. id get so frustrated and constantly ask for reassurance. im currently obsessing over the fact that im emotionally numb. im typically a very emotional person but now im numb on most days due to the exhaustion i had to endure for months and i don't know how to feel about most situations anymore. i feel empty and the fact that i feel empty makes me doubt who i am as a person and whether i truly have ocd because when this shit was full-blown id feel anxious 24/7 but now im too numb to have such levels of anxiety. im not sure of who i am anymore and im often hit by thoughts that i don't really matter and we're all the same, every day is the same there's no point in life anymore and that I'll never find satisfaction in life because I'll always be the same person and suffer forever. these thoughts are completely ego-dystonic by the way. sorry for dragging this too much, i sincerely hope you find peace within yourself. you deserve recovery and im sure you're an amazing person regardless of what ocd tells you. i wish you strength.
@feethebee don't apologise its good to talk about it and like I said earlier I too suffer with the same issues so to hear you talk about things I can relate to also helps me as I know its not just me feeling this way. being numb is awful and just feeds the OCD so much because if you can't feel anything you don't feel human and then this is where depression co occurs with OCD and then it just becomes even more complicated. I've suffered quite bad over the past 9 years since having my little girl and never really gotten the help I need so I can see why I feel numb but there's always something that says " you don't feel anything because your a psychopath" etc its so hard and feel like you can't win because when you feel anxiety it makes you feel awful but then when you experience anxiety less it freaks us out and makes us think something sinister is wrong with us so what do we do we can't win. I have existenial obsessions that mix with my harm OCD aswell. and same with you I hope one day we both can find some relief from it which I'm sure we will just take time and strength.
I have just discovered this post after searching the archives for someone feeling what I’m feeling. You worded exactly what I am going through! And variations of that like if I give someone a compliment I think “do I really think that or am I just trying to make them like me and therefore am I being disingenuous but then what really is true? etc” I then have varying compulsions around researching things online like whether I’m a psychopath/sociopath/narcissist/compulsive liar etc but then I end up convinced I might be. I find it very hard to do erp with this theme so if anyone has any script ideas that would be wonderful ❤️
@Sss Omg me too
Hi :-) has anyone ended up convincing themselves they did something they didn't do? I've been wrestling with wondering if past thoughts were actually memories. For the past month I've reviewed and checked and asked people...nothing point to anything happening and yet as I told myself today, it must have happened, I felt calmer like "okay, well now you know." Part of it is also now wondering what else I may have blacked out. But so far I am more at peace than I have been when I was going through the "what if it did happen?" (Things from 10 years ago).
I feel like no one knows the real me, I dont even know the real me anymore. OCD has been my identity for so long I always wonder who the f would I be without it. My thoughts and opinions change so rapidly I dont know if their my own anymore. My moods and emotions are so up and down I'm wondering what's the real way that I feel. Have I just been lying all my life.
I feel like now I have to record what happens to me/details of situations that trigger anxious episodes in order to have the "memory" in ink so I can't confuse it later when the rumination comes in. It has to be specific as I can possibly manage, down to date and time. I have done this as journaling, but I usually did that at the end of the day, but now I feel like I have to do it immediately after the thing happens. Is this a sign of compulsive behaviour, or am I just losing grip on my own memory? I'm also starting to doubt myself very strongly when it comes to confirming if "the bad thing" didn't happen, or if the "right thing" did. I can have ample evidence to support the outcome I know happened/didn't happen, but still brain doubts. I've been trying to go about my day living in the belief that I am right, but anxiety does not like to let go. I suppose this is all part of whatever disorder I've developed... Just gotta live I suppose. I am so tired of this...
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