im beginning to doubt my own memories and fundamental things about myself :\ every time i make a claim it's like my brain gets a little foggy and i start questioning it. for example i might narrate an event, or state a fact about something or someone, and question whether that really is true or happened. and when i get that thought it's like my brain goes blank and i don't know how to get back on track. i constantly feel like a liar. i also had a phase where i excessively doubted my identity and personality. every time i expressed a strong opinion or emotion, or made a statement about who i am as a person i got an unwanted thought that said "is this really who you are" and my mind would go blank again. id also feel anxious and hopeless. i compensate for this by taking personality tests on the internet to reassure myself that im secure in my identity and have an actual personality, but it can also be triggering sometimes because when im unsure about something i start feeling like i have no identity again ;( this is stupid i know

yes, pure o is so damn confusing. i enjoy researching about mental health conditions (id like to pursue a career in the mental health field) and every time i read something about ocd i mostly see things like counting, checking, praying, repetitive behaviors and stuff being listed as compulsions and i start feeling extremely doubtful again because i don't exactly fit these particular criteria. im afraid that i might not actually have ocd and just be a "broken failure" or that im just overdramatic or a delusional liar. im very happy to hear you've gotten back to therapy and i hope that it goes well for you! you deserve to recover! as for me, i don't live in neither the us nor the uk so i don't have access to a nocd therapist, but either way i don't have access to therapy in general at the moment because im a teenager with really REALLY ignorant parents. at this point im just thinking of waiting till i get full-blown classic ocd with physical compulsions so that my parents can take me seriously

thank you so much for responding, your insight is greatly appreciated. i know well that ocd can latch onto anything, it's definitely pretty confusing and it makes me question whether i truly have ocd sometimes. one of my biggest problems is that i have a hard time recognizing compulsions. when i first started having ocd i did so many compulsions it was crystal clear that i had ocd but now im not so sure if im doing compulsions as much aside from compulsive avoidance so im stuck in a cycle of doubting whether i have this disorder or not. im undiagnosed by the way.

@feethebee your post is literally what I'm going through right now and I could have wrote everything you wrote myself. I too am struggling with my identity and are terrified I have a personality disorder or that I'm actually a psychopath and not OCD, even though I have suffered with OCD since being young and like you the compulsions used to be clear where as now I don't feel I have any. how long have you suffered with OCD, I wonder if its long term untreated OCD which can cause us to feel this way and become so confused with things.

@Kimberley* im sorry to hear that you're going through this! it's really exhausting and concerning the part about personality disorders, i used to have a whole obsession about being a narcissist accompanied by irrational compulsions. i first showed some ocd symptoms 3 years ago, but i didn't know it was ocd and it went away pretty quickly. throughout 2020, i had some mild rocd for about a week, i sometimes had on and off checking compulsions, i had a severe out-of-the-blue ocd episode in august that lasted about a day, and i developed full blown ocd in october. ive been this way ever since. it might be fading away again slowly i don't know perhaps im still in the developing stage.

@feethebee yes definitely, its so frightening to worry that you just arnt sure who you are its the worst possible thing. I too during this episode have obsessed o could be a narcissist or sociopath and have done countless online tests. have you ever obsessed about your emotions? I feel like I can't feel anything at all and like I don't care and this only feeds my anxieties. I have been on anti depressants for 9 years and know they can cause emotional blunting but I still always think its because I'm a terrible person. I just hate how OCD has taken away who I was to the point im not even sure who I am anymore. I just want to feel again and be confident with my personality and my mind. sorry that you have to suffer with this also I hope it brings you some comfort that you are not alone in this. X

@Kimberley* i personally was so scared to even look up npd symptoms because,, what if i related to some?? i just obsessively checked whether what i say through text sounds self-absorbed, or if i spoke in first person too much (there's no too much here i was just being paranoid). I'd constantly delete text and retype texts again because i was afraid i sounded narcissistic even though i didn't. and id delete them and retype them again. id get so frustrated and constantly ask for reassurance. im currently obsessing over the fact that im emotionally numb. im typically a very emotional person but now im numb on most days due to the exhaustion i had to endure for months and i don't know how to feel about most situations anymore. i feel empty and the fact that i feel empty makes me doubt who i am as a person and whether i truly have ocd because when this shit was full-blown id feel anxious 24/7 but now im too numb to have such levels of anxiety. im not sure of who i am anymore and im often hit by thoughts that i don't really matter and we're all the same, every day is the same there's no point in life anymore and that I'll never find satisfaction in life because I'll always be the same person and suffer forever. these thoughts are completely ego-dystonic by the way. sorry for dragging this too much, i sincerely hope you find peace within yourself. you deserve recovery and im sure you're an amazing person regardless of what ocd tells you. i wish you strength.

@feethebee don't apologise its good to talk about it and like I said earlier I too suffer with the same issues so to hear you talk about things I can relate to also helps me as I know its not just me feeling this way. being numb is awful and just feeds the OCD so much because if you can't feel anything you don't feel human and then this is where depression co occurs with OCD and then it just becomes even more complicated. I've suffered quite bad over the past 9 years since having my little girl and never really gotten the help I need so I can see why I feel numb but there's always something that says " you don't feel anything because your a psychopath" etc its so hard and feel like you can't win because when you feel anxiety it makes you feel awful but then when you experience anxiety less it freaks us out and makes us think something sinister is wrong with us so what do we do we can't win. I have existenial obsessions that mix with my harm OCD aswell. and same with you I hope one day we both can find some relief from it which I'm sure we will just take time and strength.

@Sss Omg me too