- Username
- POCDKILLME
- Date posted
- 3y ago
Explore more posts
- Username
- MichelemybelleMichelemybelle
- Date posted
- 3y ago
@pocdkillme- if I could tell my 19 year old self this I would..... deep down deep down you know you would never do anything wrong. Ocd is a BULLY. I HAVE LEARNED FROM EXPERIENCE- it’s not the thought it’s how it makes you feel. Sit with the anxiety and thought the anxiety will pass. It has to. We can only be anxious for so long. Don’t try to rationalize! Never works. Your mind will get bored after a few times of riding the thought out
- Username
- BigGyro09BigGyro09
- Date posted
- 3y ago
Thank you so much Michele. This can be so paralyzing to be honest and it feels real
- Username
- BigGyro09BigGyro09
- Date posted
- 3y ago
Honestly how do I get over the fact that I've seen cartoon CP as a minor myself on multiple occasions? People keep telling me it's not illegal because they aren't real and millions of people have seen this and even joke about it. So how do I stop beating myself up over this? I just don't get anything
- Username
- BigGyro09BigGyro09
- Date posted
- 3y ago
@BigGip09 I've seen it as a minor and I think when I was 18 and I just can't let it go
- Username
- BigGyro09BigGyro09
- Date posted
- 3y ago
@BigGip09 This one is a false memory and I just can't take it it keeps saying I searched for it but I just don't know and I can't be sure and I want to tell myself that it doesn't matter but I just can't let it go
- Username
- MichelemybelleMichelemybelle
- Date posted
- 3y ago
Also I’m on Prozac it helps. Sometimes you need meds to help you through. Quiet the brain
- Username
- BigGyro09BigGyro09
- Date posted
- 3y ago
I may need that. Not sure, but I hope to begin therapy soon. I reached out
- Username
- MichelemybelleMichelemybelle
- Date posted
- 3y ago
Of course it FEELS real when you are in a hightened state of panic. It’s not! It’s a f ing thought. Crap I hate ocd. Ride it out
- Username
- MichelemybelleMichelemybelle
- Date posted
- 3y ago
The ssri’s quiet the mind. Prozac helped me so much. Been on it for yearssssss. When I had to go off it when I was pregnant all hell broke loose after 6 months. Thankfully I was was able to go back on since I was in my 3rd trimester. The thoughts were unbelievable but I got though it.
- Username
- Daria AlexandrovnaDaria Alexan...
- Date posted
- 3y ago
It always gets hard during and after pregnancy so I'm glad you got back on thus
- Username
- BigGyro09BigGyro09
- Date posted
- 3y ago
Doesnt that seem compulsive? The use of the meds I mean. Would you feel really out of wack if you didn't have your meds? I'm kinda woozy on the idea of meds tbh but if I really needed them then fine
- Username
- Daria AlexandrovnaDaria Alexan...
- Date posted
- 3y ago
@BigGip09 Meds don't do 100% of the work for the person, it's 50% meds and 50% your own work. But with meds it's easier
- Username
- Daria AlexandrovnaDaria Alexan...
- Date posted
- 3y ago
@Daria Alexandrovna idk how she thinks though so we'll see
- Username
- BigGyro09BigGyro09
- Date posted
- 3y ago
@Daria Alexandrovna I guess I'll never know for sure unless I take meds or get used to them. I'm glad they are helping her though!
- Username
- 08230823
- Date posted
- 3y ago
@BigGip09 I just want to add that I think of medication as a tool in my OCD toolbox. I have medication, ERP, radical acceptance, therapy, deep breathing, etc, all sorts of things that can help me recover from OCD. If you do choose to try medication, think of it as a tool for your recovery
- Username
- BigGyro09BigGyro09
- Date posted
- 3y ago
@0823 Hey. Thanks a lot for this message. How do you practice radical acceptance? Do you also do ACT (acceptance and commitment therapy)
- Username
- 08230823
- Date posted
- 3y ago
@BigGip09 Yeah I actually found it by looking into ACT. I practice it by just radically accepting every thought that pops up, every feeling I experience, every physiological sensation (groinal responses), and pretty much everything else that’s out of my control. I can’t control whether or not I get an intrusive thought, what I can control is how I respond to it. So I just accept that it’s happening but I don’t let it control my choices. Obviously that can be really hard because with OCD, we let our thoughts and feelings control our actions by performing compulsions and avoiding things. I’m trying to work on not letting it have that much power. I hope that made sense!
- Username
- Daria AlexandrovnaDaria Alexan...
- Date posted
- 3y ago
Would you tell this to your friend if he told you he was doing it when he was young?
- Username
- POCDKILLMEPOCDKILLME
- Date posted
- 3y ago
No. I would never call any of my friends that at all. I would say the opposite of what I’m saying. I would say that I’m glad you stopped watching it and that I forgive them
- Username
- Daria AlexandrovnaDaria Alexan...
- Date posted
- 3y ago
@POCDKILLME You are also a human. Also someone's friend, maybe, someone's relative. And even for a stranger, just like me, you are a human I respect. And I would also say the opposite of what you are saying. Because you are more than someone who used to watch something and stopped. You are an identity! There's no way into recovery until you start treating yourself like you treat other people
- Username
- BigGyro09BigGyro09
- Date posted
- 3y ago
I have come across really shitty things on the internet and my time and that stuff was one of them unfortunately. I don't think I remember actively searching for shitty content like that aside from the one time I looked it up while not knowing what it was and a false memory that I doubt. My friends tell me that it's all thankfully fake and I shouldn't check for any porn whatsoever. I'm honestly abstaining from all kind of porn because it can turn people into things they never thought they could be.
- Username
- POCDKILLMEPOCDKILLME
- Date posted
- 3y ago
So what do you think of me?
- Username
- BigGyro09BigGyro09
- Date posted
- 3y ago
@POCDKILLME You being here, worrying about this, and being in similar situations as others around the same age, trying to get better tells me you aren't a pedo, you don't enjoy this kind of behavior, it greatly worries you like it worries me. Let me tell you something. So like, yesterday it was exposed that a YouTuber was a legitimate pedophile and he was caught previously, and didn't stop. He was caught red handed in his actions and he didn't seem to care at all. Looking back, his videos are really creepy. They used to be funny but given this context, it's honestly fucked up and creepy after all of this. He's 30, talking to minors and he actually had the nerve to say "it doesn't matter as long as they're in skimpy clothing" I just found out about all of this, and it got me shaking, teeth chattering, heart beating like fucking crazy. I can tell that you're not like that. You're here for a reason. It's not for an excuse.
- Username
- POCDKILLMEPOCDKILLME
- Date posted
- 3y ago
@BigGip09 Picturing that type of thing in my head makes me gag and puke 🤮
- Username
- BigGyro09BigGyro09
- Date posted
- 3y ago
@BigGip09 When I first got hooked on porn, it was mainly cartoon porn over people of all ages, mostly shows I watched when I was a minor, around 15. That messes with me a lot, and I get false memories about so much of these things. And how the videos I watched escalated to other things. All I know is that I want porn out of my life completely because it seriously fucks you up.
- Username
- BigGyro09BigGyro09
- Date posted
- 3y ago
@POCDKILLME Me too. It makes me sick. I'm like extremely uncomfortable at the moment. Another thing is, I make no effort to talk to minors at all. There are some times on this app where someone who is underage will need help, and I'm hesitant on it because of POCD. But I still do help them very much but the last thing I would ever do is try to come onto them. It's just so fucked. It's just such a bad move. And as for the YouTuber, I think he was turning into this person by one of two things. 1. Lots and lots of porn. Just look up porn escalation and that's basically how it works. 2. Personal issues with his family, friends, or himself.
- Username
- POCDKILLMEPOCDKILLME
- Date posted
- 3y ago
@BigGip09 It was the same with me. At first I talked to both adults and minors about my HOCD. With adult women I felt happy and safe. I even have feelings for this one woman I’m talking to. But with minors, I feel uneasy. Then as my POCD escalated, I stopped talking to them entirely. I started shutting them out. The last thing I want is for something to happen with any kid or any minor I talk to. There was an incident where this kid and her sister fell off their bikes and crying on the side of the road. I didn’t want to help at first because of my POCD, but then my guilty conscious overtook me and I went back and I made sure they were okay and asked them if their parents were nearby. Luckily they were okay and as soon as that happened I quickly walked off because I started getting intrusive thoughts that felt overwhelming.
- Username
- BigGyro09BigGyro09
- Date posted
- 3y ago
@POCDKILLME You sound like a good dude, honestly. It doesn't sound like you want to hurt anyone and it sure doesn't sound like you want to control anyone. It sucks that our thoughts are like this. A friend of mine that suffers from OCD tells me I'm magnifying everything and that nothing bad will happen to me but I just can't seem to agree with that even if I wanted to. But as I always say, things could be worse. So I'm just going to give you and I some advice. We're the same age, were both guys, and we probably have the same themes as well. If you're watching porn still, DROP IT NOW. NO ADULT CONTENT, NO TESTING, NO RUMINATING. Cut this out of your life completely while you still can. It's a drug that can hurt people. It can take away lives. You don't have to be next. You can say no to it. It's unfortunate that we got so sucked into this but we can get out of it. Remember, it can get worse. But you don't have to let it.
- Username
- BigGyro09BigGyro09
- Date posted
- 3y ago
@BigGip09 Also, that YouTuber I talked about, the mad man stole bras from the laundromat from what I've heard. It's actually really creepy and insane. I wouldn't be so hard on him if he were like a minor or a stupid college student, but he's THIRTY. He should have been known better
Related posts
- Username
- Givenup
- Date posted
- 2y ago
POCD and real events OCD story
What if you did something extremely horrible as a child that you didn’t know how horrible the events were that your POCD and real events OCD targets? Does it make the intrusive thoughts true? I'm getting anxious from my POCD and real event OCD based on real events (3 times) from when I was 13…… I don't ever want to ever be a P at all… I don't ever want to ever be a Chomo at all... i don’t ever want to ever be a rapist at all… I was 13 when these real events happened and now I'm 20... I've asked my mom about this so many times and every time she tells me that it's not serious anymore, that the person is okay, and that I'm not a rapist or a P or a chomo... I didn’t realize how horrible the real events actually were… I was 13 at the time… now I’m 20… my POCD and real event OCD call me a P or a chomo because of the real events… while my mom reassures me all the time that it’s all over, that it’s not serious anymore, that the person is okay, and that I’m not a P or a rapist or a chomo, but when I was doing compulsive research, I remember when I saw a post on a non OCD forum about someone’s similar situation to mine and two people said to the person that they m*lested and that they needed to turn themselves in… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way shape or form… i didn’t know how horrible the real events were when I was 13… I really didn’t… and after the real events I never did anything like that ever again, and I never once ever thought (before, and after) about doing stuff with kids in any way shape or form... I never once fantasized about kids or wanted to do anything with kids… I was 13 and didn’t realize how horrible the actions were at the time and I never did it ever again… I never once fantasized about kids before or after the real event… I don't ever want to ever harm a child in any way shape or form... I seriously don't ever want to do that to any child in any way shape or form and I seriously don't ever want to do anything like that to any kid now or in the future… I never have had any fantasies about kids and I don't ever want to... I don't ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way shape or form... I was 13….. and after the real events I never did anything like that ever again, and I never once ever thought (before, and after) about doing stuff with kids in any way shape or form... I never once fantasized about kids or wanted to do anything with kids… I was 13 and didn’t realize how horrible the actions were at the time and I never did it ever again… I never once fantasized about kids before or after the real event… And it’s comparing me to actual P’s and chomo’s who did stuff from 12-15… and making me think I’m a P and a Chomo because of it… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way… 😭😭😭 and I get intrusive thoughts of people calling me a P and a chomo and me getting arrested… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo… the real events happened only 3 times and I really didn’t know how horrible it was… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way… I don’t want to ever be attracted to or harm kids in any way… 😭😭😭 It’s making me feel like I know I’m a P or a chomo when I don't ever want to ever be those things… I perform avoidance compulsions all the time and I don’t want to be anywhere around kids… even accidentally standing next to one makes me feel incredibly uncomfortable and anxious… it’s making me feel like that I know I’m what my POCD and real events OCD are telling me even when a former ocd psychiatrist has told me that the real events don’t make me a P or a chomo… In addition it’s making me feel like I’m what my ocd tells me that I am… I didn’t know how horrible the real events were at the time when I was 13… I really didn’t… my POCD and real events OCD keeps calling me a P and a Chomo for what happened when I was 13 when I didn’t know what any of that stuff was… I truly didn’t know how horrible the real events were when I was 13… I really didn’t… It’s making me think I am a rapist because of the real events too… my POCD just keeps telling me that I’m a P or a chomo or in worst case a child r*pist when I don’t ever want to ever be those things in any way 😭😭😭 it’s giving me intrusive thoughts about more details of the real events and this feeling in my head that hurts… I don’t ever want to ever be a p or a chomo in any way… I don’t ever want to harm anyone, especially children… I don’t ever want to ever be anything my intrusive thoughts tell me I am… Part 2. I am awake in the late night as I type all of this out.. I don't think I can ever forgive myself for the past masturbation to loli hentai and other explicit comics / fanfics with adult and really young cartoon characters couple of times unknowingly when I was 12, and 14 and occasionally unknowingly when I was 17-18. (Ex. Marge and Lisa) I had stopped three years ago, and I'm 20 now but I'm getting intrusive memories of doing it and I immensely regret it and feel triggered by it… I didn't know what the content was in any way at the time or what it represented… and while I avoided most of the content, the videos of them had millions of views, both the videos and the fanfics / comics were on public sites, and some of the creators said they were 18 in some of the videos, so I thought it was safe to watch... I hate myself forever. And you people should hate me too. I'm worthless. I'm a disgusting creature who deserves nothing but the upmost anger and disgust from you all….. god help me.…. just recently I was watching hentai for the first time in a while, hoping to find regular stuff with women my age or above and I kept stumbling onto loli again. I got triggered and I left the videos immediately of course, but it's giving me memories back to those moments and it's making me feel like I want to watch when I dont. I skipped it of course. I hate this POCD (if this is even POCD) and I hate myself and you should hate me too… It’s making me feel like I’m not anxious about the real event OCD intrusive thoughts right now and more intrusive thoughts of being in denial because of the lack of anxious feelings… 😞😞😞 I know the real events (especially the real events when I was 13) that trigger my real event OCD were horrible and I regret them horribly… and my POCD and real event OCD is telling me that I’m a P and a m*lestor and making me feel like I’m accepting it… plus my intrusive thoughts are giving me false memories of either events that didn’t happen or my intentions during the event and saying that I’m worse than a p or a chomo… 😭😭😭 I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo or anything like that in any way… my POCD just keeps telling me that I’m a P or a chomo or in worst case a child r*pist when I don’t ever want to ever be those things in any way 😭😭😭 it’s giving me intrusive thoughts about more details of the real events and this feeling in my head that hurts… I don’t ever want to ever be a p or a chomo in any way… I don’t ever want to harm anyone, especially children… I don’t ever want to ever be anything my intrusive thoughts tell me I am…
- Username
- Magzzz
- Date posted
- 1y ago
18+ please help if you can
I’m so terrified because when I was a teenager I used to have a embarrassing and weird tickling fetish. No idea where it came from but it started around age 15 to maybe 19. I don’t have it anymore and I absolutely regret it 100% because of “self time” being involved. The fetish was the only thing I ever was part of mentally I never ever had any other intentions. Never. I used to go on ifunny and that’s where I would find artwork I guess related to the fetish. I stopped going to ifunny and around age 19 or something I went back and I remember the people in the artwork or whatnot would come across as being younger and I would skip them and try to find more “appropriate” I guess I don’t even know how to explain this but I know it’s something other people may have struggled with as well and I hold a lot of regret and shame even though I had literally no bad intentions whatsoever it was for a stupid fetish but the ocd has attached to it for many years now and it scares me to death what it tries to convince me is real when I pray to God it is not. I feel so terrible for that time I went back to ifunny but I remember I got uncomfortable and got rid of the app. I never had bad intentions and I know that for sure. I just feel so incredibly horrible all time time about what I didn’t know when I was younger and I should have. Not long after everything I developed ocd and the worst theme I’ve ever dealt with is POCD and also real event too. My self esteem is shot. There’s nothing that makes me feel alive anymore because I absolutely cannot stand myself. I’ve wanted to give up countless times. I have so much fear all the time. I’m going on vacation this weekend with my family and I feel like I don’t deserve to go or have fun. My birthday is next weekend and it’s just another day for me and I tell people not to get me anything because I feel as I don’t deserve it or anything joyful or happy. I don’t know what to do. This is embarrassing to talk about but it’s what I’m dealing with and I hate it with a passion of how stupid I was when I was younger. I’m almost 24. I can’t even move on with my life because I feel like I don’t deserve to 💔
- Username
- Saturnus606
- User type
- OCD Conqueror
- Date posted
- 1y ago
I feel like an irredeemable human (POCD)
I feel like throughout my teens into my early adult years I did or said stuff that that makes me a monster. My most recent trigger is a memory involving rping in a roleplay server where minors were present. I won’t excuse myself for what I think I did, but I feel like I put inappropriate context for things where I shouldn’t have and made a complete mockery of what I believe now.
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