POCD 18+ I don’t think I can ever forgive myself for the past m/o to loli hentai and other explicit fanfics with young cartoon characters occasionally when I was 16-18. I stopped two years ago, and I’m 19 now but I’m getting intrusive memories of doing it and I immensely regret it. I hate myself forever. And you people should hate me too. I’m worthless. I’m a disgusting creature who deserves nothing but the upmost anger and disgust from you all... god help me...

Thank you so much Michele. This can be so paralyzing to be honest and it feels real

Honestly how do I get over the fact that I've seen cartoon CP as a minor myself on multiple occasions? People keep telling me it's not illegal because they aren't real and millions of people have seen this and even joke about it. So how do I stop beating myself up over this? I just don't get anything

@BigGip09 I've seen it as a minor and I think when I was 18 and I just can't let it go

@BigGip09 This one is a false memory and I just can't take it it keeps saying I searched for it but I just don't know and I can't be sure and I want to tell myself that it doesn't matter but I just can't let it go

I may need that. Not sure, but I hope to begin therapy soon. I reached out

It always gets hard during and after pregnancy so I'm glad you got back on thus

Doesnt that seem compulsive? The use of the meds I mean. Would you feel really out of wack if you didn't have your meds? I'm kinda woozy on the idea of meds tbh but if I really needed them then fine

@BigGip09 Meds don't do 100% of the work for the person, it's 50% meds and 50% your own work. But with meds it's easier

@Daria Alexandrovna idk how she thinks though so we'll see

@Daria Alexandrovna I guess I'll never know for sure unless I take meds or get used to them. I'm glad they are helping her though!

@BigGip09 I just want to add that I think of medication as a tool in my OCD toolbox. I have medication, ERP, radical acceptance, therapy, deep breathing, etc, all sorts of things that can help me recover from OCD. If you do choose to try medication, think of it as a tool for your recovery

@0823 Hey. Thanks a lot for this message. How do you practice radical acceptance? Do you also do ACT (acceptance and commitment therapy)

@BigGip09 Yeah I actually found it by looking into ACT. I practice it by just radically accepting every thought that pops up, every feeling I experience, every physiological sensation (groinal responses), and pretty much everything else that’s out of my control. I can’t control whether or not I get an intrusive thought, what I can control is how I respond to it. So I just accept that it’s happening but I don’t let it control my choices. Obviously that can be really hard because with OCD, we let our thoughts and feelings control our actions by performing compulsions and avoiding things. I’m trying to work on not letting it have that much power. I hope that made sense!

No. I would never call any of my friends that at all. I would say the opposite of what I’m saying. I would say that I’m glad you stopped watching it and that I forgive them

@POCDKILLME You are also a human. Also someone's friend, maybe, someone's relative. And even for a stranger, just like me, you are a human I respect. And I would also say the opposite of what you are saying. Because you are more than someone who used to watch something and stopped. You are an identity! There's no way into recovery until you start treating yourself like you treat other people

So what do you think of me?

@POCDKILLME You being here, worrying about this, and being in similar situations as others around the same age, trying to get better tells me you aren't a pedo, you don't enjoy this kind of behavior, it greatly worries you like it worries me. Let me tell you something. So like, yesterday it was exposed that a YouTuber was a legitimate pedophile and he was caught previously, and didn't stop. He was caught red handed in his actions and he didn't seem to care at all. Looking back, his videos are really creepy. They used to be funny but given this context, it's honestly fucked up and creepy after all of this. He's 30, talking to minors and he actually had the nerve to say "it doesn't matter as long as they're in skimpy clothing" I just found out about all of this, and it got me shaking, teeth chattering, heart beating like fucking crazy. I can tell that you're not like that. You're here for a reason. It's not for an excuse.

@BigGip09 Picturing that type of thing in my head makes me gag and puke 🤮

@BigGip09 When I first got hooked on porn, it was mainly cartoon porn over people of all ages, mostly shows I watched when I was a minor, around 15. That messes with me a lot, and I get false memories about so much of these things. And how the videos I watched escalated to other things. All I know is that I want porn out of my life completely because it seriously fucks you up.

@POCDKILLME Me too. It makes me sick. I'm like extremely uncomfortable at the moment. Another thing is, I make no effort to talk to minors at all. There are some times on this app where someone who is underage will need help, and I'm hesitant on it because of POCD. But I still do help them very much but the last thing I would ever do is try to come onto them. It's just so fucked. It's just such a bad move. And as for the YouTuber, I think he was turning into this person by one of two things. 1. Lots and lots of porn. Just look up porn escalation and that's basically how it works. 2. Personal issues with his family, friends, or himself.

@BigGip09 It was the same with me. At first I talked to both adults and minors about my HOCD. With adult women I felt happy and safe. I even have feelings for this one woman I’m talking to. But with minors, I feel uneasy. Then as my POCD escalated, I stopped talking to them entirely. I started shutting them out. The last thing I want is for something to happen with any kid or any minor I talk to. There was an incident where this kid and her sister fell off their bikes and crying on the side of the road. I didn’t want to help at first because of my POCD, but then my guilty conscious overtook me and I went back and I made sure they were okay and asked them if their parents were nearby. Luckily they were okay and as soon as that happened I quickly walked off because I started getting intrusive thoughts that felt overwhelming.

@POCDKILLME You sound like a good dude, honestly. It doesn't sound like you want to hurt anyone and it sure doesn't sound like you want to control anyone. It sucks that our thoughts are like this. A friend of mine that suffers from OCD tells me I'm magnifying everything and that nothing bad will happen to me but I just can't seem to agree with that even if I wanted to. But as I always say, things could be worse. So I'm just going to give you and I some advice. We're the same age, were both guys, and we probably have the same themes as well. If you're watching porn still, DROP IT NOW. NO ADULT CONTENT, NO TESTING, NO RUMINATING. Cut this out of your life completely while you still can. It's a drug that can hurt people. It can take away lives. You don't have to be next. You can say no to it. It's unfortunate that we got so sucked into this but we can get out of it. Remember, it can get worse. But you don't have to let it.

@BigGip09 Also, that YouTuber I talked about, the mad man stole bras from the laundromat from what I've heard. It's actually really creepy and insane. I wouldn't be so hard on him if he were like a minor or a stupid college student, but he's THIRTY. He should have been known better