I feel like my sexual orientation has changed, it truly feels like I’ll never be straight again and I’m heartbroken. I go out in public and I check if I’m attracted to the pretty girls, I start to make new female friends and I worry I like them, I look at them in ways I never did before just to “make sure”. I worry that I’ll enjoy sex and feelings with girls more and that it’ll be greater than what I have with my partner. I worry that my struggle with intimacy with my boyfriend is because I don’t like men as opposed to my insecurities and inexperience and shyness. It feels like I can’t find appeal in men anymore and even though I find no appeal in women either, my mind tells me my lack of attraction means I Need to be attracted to women. I don’t want to. I’ve had two lesbian dreams this week and it felt like I wanted it. I try to imagine myself in same sex scenarios and I get confused , it feels like I want it when at the beginning of this it just didn’t click. It feels like all my close girl friends from my past are secret crushes. It feels like my attraction to men was never real. I’m so scared and so afraid and so lost, I feel like a prisoner. It feels like my sexuality has changed, I Must be attracted to women. Although I know I love my boyfriend deeply, I now worry a women will come and take his place. I hate this. It makes me feel like my bond with my boyfriend isn’t as special , when my bond with him is what I treasure most. Almost All the best days of my life were with him and now I feel like I’ll have to give it up to be with a woman. I feel like I’m living a lie, I feel like I’m going to have to come out and be with women, my grandma will treat me differently. It feels too real, way way too real.

Yeah me too. One difference is that we worry about it 24/7 whereas people in denial would be less so

@Winter Yup people in denial push it aside but here we are lol

@PinkLotus Yepp, like “but what if in the exception to that” 😂

@Winter Im^

It comforts me a little to know I’m not alone. I’m so terrified of leaving my boyfriend. I haven’t heard of it but I’ll look into it. :)

Just seeing that book like at target or on Amazon triggers me

That book triggers me too! My therapist thought it would be a good exposure as well

Omg that book was so triggering by the first 80 pages I have avoided finishing it

Yes I’m so glad I’m not alone!! It’s like I do think girls are strong beautiful people. Girl power and all that lol so my mind tells me, “So you don’t want to be like them, you want them. Why wouldn’t you if you think they’re so admirable?” And I think well yeah girls are great, but I don’t want to be with one. It’s not the same spark as with men and well it feels like denial. May we all get through this it’s been so hard

@PinkLotus Omg yes! I swear ive gone over every woman or girl ive ever known in my head to check and recheck whether i admired them or had a crush on them to the point where i dont even know anymore! Triggers me so much when gay people say they told themselves they admired people who they secretly had a crush on like it just fills me with so much dread and sends me spiralling again! We will get through it!

@Ope Haha so true! Although my mind is racing right now to figure out if I secretly felt that way before 😂 but thats probably the ocd lol

@Ope Hahaha we are sort of predictable like that 😂

@Winter My mind will go over it too! It’s just at the point where ocd says it’s because I had crushes on girls and I liked them. I cannot tell the difference because it feels soo true. It makes me not remember any of the crushes I had on guys and that it was all forced.

@Corie Yes exactly! Ive never been in an actual relationship either and my ocd definitely uses that against me. Its a horrible feeling as well that you faked or made up past crushes and stuff like i dont want to have made them up or feel like im lying to someone if i think i like them!

@Winter Omg, my ocd uses the fact that I’ve only had 2 boyfriends/relationships that it’s making me realize I’m gay because I started having these intrusive thoughts/constant questioning with my first bf (ex). This was also the onset of my ocd and when it just came up out of nowhere, I have not had any other themes before the hocd onset so it uses that against me as well! Also because I ALWAYS feared and didn’t want others to think I was gay or looked gay even before hocd started, that supposedly that is “proof” too

@Winter Girl me too!!! I have this friend I’ve known since freshman year of high school. She’s so sweet and wholesome, like I think aw she’s so cute but not romantically! But my brain is like well since she’s so wholesome why don’t you like her? But idk I can’t imagine telling her the same stuff as my boyfriend or holding her or much much less being intimate with her but my mind says no you do like her

@Corie Omg yes me too! I was always kinda the weird kid i guess because i was shy so now i just feel like people might think im gay which scares me so much and is “proof”

@PinkLotus I get so much anxiety when I think of that and get so uncomfortable! But ocd will butt in and say it’s because I’m nervous and really want it, I pictured it so it means I can do it.

@PinkLotus Im so glad im not alone! I feel like the romantic part of a relationship is really important to me so my ocd has now started pointing out things that i think are cute or sweet and using that as proof that i like girls which i hate because it makes me feel like i cant have that with a guy anymore which i always wanted 😩

@Corie Omg yes, the fact ocd makes you think the anxiety about it is being nervous because you like someone is so scary! Like how can you even tell the difference anymore

@Winter Exactly you can’t! It makes us doubt our values and second guess them, I’m still trying to respond with uncertainty and stop myself from ruminating which has helped the past couple days although I catch myself slipping a bit!

@Winter Yup I’m actually ruminating on that friend right now lol! She is really sweet and has great character but I’ve never thought of her way before but ofc my ocd is going to latch onto it to say I want her 😖

@PinkLotus Oh noo im so sorry! I hate that feeling soo much, I literally have like a list of people from my past that i can ruminate about for hours and still never get an answer. Or whenever it reassures me for a bit i end up going over it again anyway 😩

@Corie Yeah i know what you mean. Its so hard though. Well done for keeping it up!

@Winter Not your fault haha! And yeah it’s so annoying that I can never admire a friend anymore because suddenly I like her and secretly want to be with her

@PinkLotus I know, like legit any girl nowadays 😩 makes it so hard to actually make friends as well because all thats going through my head is “do i like them?!” every time i see them 😂

@Winter Yess literally me!! Like it wouldn’t be so bad to be with them in the sense that they’re not bad people! But I could never be intimate with them or romantic so it’s like living with a roommate forever ??

@PinkLotus Hahah yeah i know 😂 ive got to points where im convinced i must be gay but then im like wait a sec i dont want anything intimate with a girl at all and would much rather be with a guy so wtf is going on?!

@Winter Glad to know I’m not alone!!! The cycle is such a pain in the ass

Yep 100%

Omg 😆 I guess that healthiest response is “maybe we all are”