Wow its so damn hard to stop avoiding. And not to ruminate. I literally feel like I’m agreeing with the thoughts and like I’m gonna act on them, since I can’t prove myself otherwise. It is really hard because I feel something telling me to act on my thoughts and I can not fight back. It’s crazy and scary af.

So hard to not engage the thoughts because even though it's from the "past" (i don't even know if im remembering things correctly and it kills me) and i can't change it, I just NEED to prove it to myself that it didn't happen this way. If you'd asked me questions maybe a few months ago, I would have been able to lucidly explain things. Now I just feel like I'm in a constant swarm of thoughts, not knowing if anything is real. If my brain is to be trusted. Wish I could just get hypnosis to forget

I feel like the thoughts are telling me, "You want this, you want to be attracted to kids" when I know that's not the case. I've been stuck ruminating for the past couple of days and I'm so worried about this disorder convincing me that I'm something I've never been. I try not to fight it, but when I don't it feels like I'm giving into it like it's true. The meds I'm on keep me from being super depressed, but it's still there. I feel like I'm going to act on my thoughts one day and it worries me. I don't feel like myself anymore and I don't know if this is progress or a relapse. Even when having intercourse with my partner, I had to thought block because the thoughts were images while in the middle of it. Then afterwards, they came flooding in saying that I was doing it as a distraction. I don't know what else to do. I try to pinpoint all of my triggers, but sometimes I don't think I even have any. I feel like a monster. I'm honestly scared.

I can’t come to terms with script writing my worst fears coming true. Especially when they are in relation to harm. Those thoughts attack my son and those that I hold the closet to my heart. It honestly makes my anxiety so bad just thinking about it. Or going along with a thought like “Oh yeah I’m totally going to do that”. It just in turn makes me feel like I’m agreeing with the thought. I’m having so much conflicting feelings/thoughts in terms of ERP at this point.