my ocd just said something so gross and weird and i want to confess so bad so i don’t have to hold it in and live with it. it said i was attracted to kids and that i want the intrusive thoughts and that i am actually evil and i need to be in jail. it said other horrific things too and now i am spiraling, it said i am not worthy of having kids because i am a monster and that if people knew then i would be all alone and that would send me to jail. i just feel like crying forever and never leaving my house now. it said other specific weird things that are so horrific and now i am terrified. no one could ever warn you about how evil this disorder really is. i read a lot of triggering stuff on youtube and people not believing in this theme and that it’s fake so now i am panicking even more.

thank you, i am super scared today. feels like i am in a nightmare and i can’t wake up. i am trying to just sit and deal with the feelings of shame and anxiety, but it’s so hard. i so badly want this to stop, feels like there’s never ending pain, i am fine when i am around children. i don’t want to hurt them, i love the idea of being a mom. but then i have moments when i get intrusive thoughts or crazy anxiety around kids like “OH NO DONT HURT THEM!” kind of anxiety, i know damn well i won’t hurt them ever, but it’s like my ocd makes me feel super anxious on purpose like i HAVE to be anxious. i have a lot of other themes, but nothing is as painful and traumatic as this one. days like this when my pocd will say anything to get a reaction like ANYTHING ill see a child and my ocd will just be like saying weird gross words or images too and i am just sitting there with disgust on my face like panicking inside. i feel like it’s only goal is to make me more and more uncomfortable and it definitely works because i always end up wanting to run home when i am around a kid because i just can’t stand the intrusive thoughts. :( i just want to be better and leave all or this in the past and be that amazing mom i use to dream and still dream of being. i don’t want to have immense anxiety around kids, i want to be able to be present and calm.

@hope I completely understand. POCD has made it extremely difficult to be around my nephew, who I’ve always had a great relationship with. And I feel so bad because my sister is always pushing me to hang out with him and asking me why I never hang out with him. And it obviously hurts me that it effects my relationship with him, but the thoughts gross me out so much and make me feel like I’m going insane. I also have harm OCD and one time had an episode so bad that I had to leave my house in the middle of working from home because I was terrified I was going to hurt my boyfriend. I kept getting graphic images of myself doing something horrible and it felt like I was going insane. So I shut my laptop and ran out the door and just didn’t go back to my work that day. I know the thoughts, words, images, and urges make it feel like it’s really something you might do. I 100% understand. It’s so hard to deal with. I really hope you find something that works for you. I have been getting a lot better with my POCD and HOCD themes and unfortunately my main theme switched to existential OCD once I started getting my other themes under control. But once in a while my themes sort of team up and when I’m starting to feel that nothing is real or nothing exists, I’ll have a thought that says something like “well if none of this is real then it won’t matter if you hurt someone because it won’t be real” and it absolutely terrifies me. I haven’t found a way to deal with this yet. I’m so sorry you experience this. It’s so hard to feel like you’re living with a brain that has turned against you and makes you fear yourself.

@Ald21 you put my thoughts into words, it’s exactly like my brain has turned against me and i fear my own thoughts. i am so sorry you had to go through that pain and suffering, its unfair because one minute i was totally comfortable around kids and the next i am hiding away and feeling immense anxiety and guilt. i can’t believe how the human brain works like this. i don’t even feel safe in my own skin it’s so hard to even do normal things because i feel like God is upset with me (religion OCD) i feel like i will go to hell and it scares me, but nothing scares me more than this theme. i dealt with a lot of other disgusting ocd themes, but for some reason i am having a hard time letting go of my anxiety with this theme because i don’t want to even feel like i am remotely “accepting” this. i don’t accept it, i don’t want anything to do with the thoughts, but of course my ocd has me in a chokehold and won’t let me breathe. i feel like when i am around people my ocd is always like “they don’t know ur a p” and i am like “HUH!? I AM NOT!” and have this huge internal rumination battle in my head while others are just being normal. i just feel pain all the time, i can’t even explain it, i am so tired of battling so now i just feel constant pain and guilt and like i should break up with all my friends because i am unworthy of even being loved. some days i just feel so evil i can’t even move from my bed. i never thought this would happen to me. ever. i understand your pain, i’ve had moments when i’ve been with friends and have a disturbing image of hurting them and i am like “uh i’d never do that” in my head and i feel anxious. i wish i could always talk to people about this because i am the last person to hold things in, i don’t ever want to lie or hold pain in, but it’s just so hard to open up about because no one gets it, i DONT want these thoughts, i hate them. but they just don’t seem to go away, they just linger and keep coming and i feel anxiety and my brain tells me like “do you like the thoughts?! is this way you can’t let it go!!!” and its constant. i am so exhausted. you must be too. my heart goes out to you.

@hope I feel the exhaustion. When I get to work I feel like a zombie because I’m constantly SO tired. It’s wild how much fighting your own thoughts can make you physically exhausted. I always feel like I’m moving and talking so slow because of how tired I am. It’s seriously unbelievable how our brains can keep us trapped in something so horrible. The worst part is, people with OCD don’t understand and they think we’re doing it to ourselves. My boyfriend always says “if thinking about something makes you panic so much, then just stop thinking about it.” And I’m like WOW. You cured me. All this time I’ve been paying for therapy when I could’ve just....stopped thinking about it 😂

@hope I am seriously really sorry for what you’re going through. I know how difficult it is. I’m always here if you need someone to talk to.

@Ald21 thank you! and exactly people will be like “if it scares you, just think of something else” like it’s just THAT easy. my mom even said “you can control your thoughts” when i told her i was having “bad thoughts” and wasn’t feeling well and i just thought like wow...no one understands this. but thank you for talking to me. it helps knowing i am not alone and others suffer with this painful theme too. i wish you all the best and some rest. 🤍

thank you. today just feels so heavy, like random specific thoughts are being pushed into my brain so it feels even more real bc theyre so specific and gross. i feel very uncomfortable in my own skin now and it’s just been really scary. i am sorry you’re suffering too, no one deserves this. i wouldn’t wish this on anyone.

Just out of curiosity, did any of your previous therapists specialize in OCD/ERP? Most therapists that do, fully understand that just because someone has violent thoughts about harm does not mean they want to act on them. They know that it’s actually a super common theme of OCD. I, personally, have told my therapist about my harm thoughts and she hasn’t told anyone.

@Ald21 No, I'm going to one next month. My insurance just found her. That's the thing though. I really do want to act on them. I don't want to want to. But I can't stop thinking about it. And I like the way the sensations make me feel but am disgusted with myself for liking it. My therapist says I have POCD and an actual attraction. But a forensic psychiatrist told me he thinks it's all the same. I'm really afraidthat because I want to act on my thoughts that I will and in the only thing stopping me and that makes me suicidal. I would rather die than hurt a child. And it feels like my only option is suicide because I'll loose control. Why ruin someone else's life? I'm tired of being afraidafraid. I guess part of it is I feel like I am a pedophile, and it's not a part of my OCD. And I guess that makes me a little hesitant to treatment. I feel like i should suffer