Okay so this is not about OCD but I need to get it off my chest and this is the closest thing to therapy that I have cause it it very expensive and I can't afford it. I feel like my mom has a sexual problem. I feel unsafe around her. When I can growing up she always wanted to touch me and touch and see my boobs. When I hugged her she would always try to touch my back trying to figure out if I was wearing a bra or a tank top. And between 1 and 2 years ago I stopped letting her touch me. Not my hands, not a hug, nothing. And even though I've told her that I don't like touching she always tries to grab my but, or my thigh or my belly. When she does I feel like I wanna push her and I have a panick attack. I'm 19. She doesn't like when I have friends. It feels like she gets jealous and she always tries to keep me home, to not go out at all. I feel like I'm not making any sense but I needed to get that off my back

Hey so I’m an 18 year old college student I’ve had ocd for a long time but I never wanted to admit this aspect of it as part of it and I still don’t. That’s why I won’t say it cause I’ll just end up crying again. I don’t even want to post about it cause this would just make the problem real. I know I’m not sexually attracted to them but my mind wants to trick me and I end up getting confused on which is rlly me, like the other aspects of my ocd. It spiked ig when someone sent me a meme and it was fine but at the end of it it showed a child being shown in a sexual way which was suppose to I guess be funny but it wasn’t rlly funny to me at all and got uncomfortable and the pocd thoughts came in hard and I had such a bad panic attack and then I felt the need to go back and check to see what I was feeling and went to the video the next day after avoiding it to see which after reading the threads here is I guess a big no no? I know I’m not sexually attracted but my mind is playing these games and confuses me and I’m so scared to even talk to my therapist about it or ask people for help cause what if they think I’m a pedophile? Children genuinely make me happy and I have a motherly instinct to care for them but my mind turns it into something darker and I know I don’t think of these kids sexually but it’s like I have the power to?And that freaks me out so much and it won’t leave me alone I don’t know what to do I know I’m not one but my mind is tricking me and it’s freaking me out and if my mind says it could be what if other people think I am no one I trust will even understand idk what to do I just needed to put this somewhere to vent

so i need to vent here because i'm sick to the point of wanting to throw up. ill be talking about how my ocd started. I think my ocd is a little different as I've never seen anyone with that kind of intrusive thinking, so my ocd makes me think it's real. my intrusive thoughts are like "I wish something bad could happen to this person" and it's something really, really bad that I abhor. I just don't want it to happen to the person, it's totally automatic and makes me want to cry all the time. and it all started with a book I was reading and I didn't know it had things like pedophilia and rape. and as I'm underage these things can easily get stuck in my head, there was an explicit scene and it felt like my body was reacting to it, even I DON'T WANT TO and that made me feel really bad. I never had thoughts like that before reading that fucking book I regret so much. and then for me it's very hard to recover, because my ocd says something like i want it to happen, but definitely not. I can't access the erp because I'm not fluent in english and much less have money already converted to real is absurd. I'm afraid to go to therapy because there aren't many therapists who specialize in ocd here and I'm afraid it could get worse. I already talked about ocd with my mother but she didn't understand much, in fact I was fine and she said something that made my situation worse. so that's it, sorry for the big text, but I needed it.

I don’t think anyone will read this. I’ve never posted before, but felt that i just had to let this out. I don’t have anyone to talk to. My mother barged into my room whilst I was about to take a shower. I told her I wasn’t dressed, and to come back at another time, but she ignored me. “I’ll keep my eyes shut I promise” she said, I insisted again for her to leave. Then she looked, laughing. She looked on purpose. This seems really small, I understand that. But it isn’t to me. It was really triggering. As someone who was sexually abused as a child, and having experienced my boundaries pushed & crossed in relationships throughout my early teens: I’ve always felt that my voice doesn’t matter. That my body can be treated however, and I have no say or power to change that. That I’m not worthy of respect, clearly. My mom doesn’t know about the sexual abuse I experienced 12 years ago, but she should know how to show basic decency. Why doesn’t she respect me? What did i do to be treated like this, along with the other cruel things she’s done to me. Yelling, throwing things, biting me, leaving bruises and scratches. When i’ve been the only one there for her to rely on during her mental health struggles, how could she tell me i’m “just too difficult to love”? I don’t think I’ll ever know. I feel weak for saying this, but this incident has lead me to relapse in sh and that has made me feel worse. I’ve been clean for ages. I feel really terrible right now, but it felt good to let this out. Again, I don’t know if anyone will read this but, if someone has gotten this far: I want you to know I love you. You are worthy of respect. You are not a doormat. You are not weak. And you are going to prove them wrong, every single person who doubts or disrespects you. Because you are way more remarkable than you have ever thought.