- Date posted
- 3y
- Date posted
- 3y
You ARE NOT weak. This is a horrible, terrifying illness to live with. I have been in the same place as you many times. But I finally had to choose that I HAVE to stop if I ever want to me happy, and if I keep on like this, it doesn’t even matter if the horrible thing is true because my life is already horrible while doing compulsions. You have to commit to it because it’s the only way. I promise it will work if you do. I know it’s scary but it won’t be scary forever. Write a list of reasons why you are going to commit to recovery. Tell yourself you can do the compulsion tomorrow.
- Date posted
- 3y
I know you didn't reply to me, but your thoughts about this have been blowing my mind. It's just so, so, true. Doing the work is so painful, scary and exhausting, but it's really not better to continue existing in agony and complete distrust in oneself. Even if something "horrible' might be true about oneself, noone deserves to live like this. I really really like how you wrote this
- Date posted
- 3y
Thank you for this I will try! I think I’m going to read this as a reminder!
- Date posted
- 3y
@harabix Thank you, it took me a long time to come to this conclusion, but it’s absolutely true. I have to remind myself of this every single day.
- Date posted
- 3y
@Anonymous Me too. Wishing you all the best on your journey 💕
- Date posted
- 3y
I wish I could wake up from this never ending nightmare. I wish someone could take all these thoughts and feelings away. I wish I could wake up to a clear mind
- Date posted
- 3y
You aren't alone. I have thought and felt everything you said. Prior to starting ERP, I had the thought "ERP works for a lot of other people, but it won't work for you." But it HAS worked for me. I've had OCD since about the age of 8. I never knew it until last month. So my compulsions deeply engrained because I have given into the so many times. Also, most of my compulsions are mental, so its sometimes a struggle to identify what is and not a compulsion. Rumination is a huge one for me. ERP is crazy hard and uncomfortable, but it does work. It will change your life.
- Date posted
- 3y
I really hope my mind is making me go insane and I’m afraid of doing something
- Date posted
- 3y
@Pain😢🥺 Yeah I have scenarios in my head and I’m scared I want to do it and sometimes I’m scared that I might do it and like it. I always get scared when I see my family members and than the scenario starts playing and the anxiety goes up and I get up and panic. It’s just a vicious cycle. I share a room with my brother and I was having a sexual scenario with him and I started to panic and I got up and went to the bathroom and I calmed down and than the pedo thoughts come in telling me I want to do those things and it just never ends
- Date posted
- 3y
You're not weak. Sometimes it's difficult to distinguish between your own thoughts and the ones that are being imposed on you.
- Date posted
- 3y
I’m just scared and it’s hard
- Date posted
- 3y
@Anonymous🤷🏽♀️ Anything that’s worth it is scary and hard work.
- Date posted
- 3y
Do you want to talk?
Related posts
- Date posted
- 24w
back in october i made my first post about my specific type of ocd, how it mixes in with my day to day and how i “deal” with it. i talked about the starting point, how it gradually got worse, and then how it was going just a few months ago. i always think it’s insane how much can change in just the course of a small to a large amount of time. right now, i honestly feel like garbage. to be quite sincere i really want to give up, i’m barely holding on by a thread. and if i cut that thread, i really doubt anyone would care. i’ve never considered myself to be a suicidal person, and i still don’t consider myself that right now. it just gets to a point where it’s just, a lot to deal with. i don’t really enjoy things a lot nowadays. sure i have good days like everyone does, like today, when i was just enjoying my day without worries. but then it all comes crawling back twice as bad the following days. i take online college so i’m usually just stuck at home most of the time. but, when i do decide to actually go out and leave my house, my ocd just explodes because i have this whole routine i need to do or else i feel like i’ll contaminate wherever i end up going. i’m not going to go really deep into my compulsions because it’s hard enough to live with them, much more having to type them all out in detail. but when i go out my compulsions go from wiping down all my stuff i’m going to use after showering, to washing my clothes/cleaning the washer + dryer. i also have separate things (or two of the same thing) i use specifically in my house, and items i use when going out. such as shampoo/body wash, deodorant, lotion, hair curler, etc. as if that’s not draining enough, i also feel the need to fast a couple days prior to any plan i make because i’ve forced myself to believe i need to feel empty in order to be clean. i’m not sure if that’s my past eating disorder talking, or my ocd, but my brain can’t help but think any food in my house is utterly and completely contaminated. i’m so tired of this feeling, feeling like nothing will ever be clean again. feeling like my ocd is trapped in my childhood home. feeling that wave of diseases rushing through my veins the moment i step foot into what’s supposed to be “home”. and i’m so scared of therapy because what if i do get healed, and then everything comes rushing back the second i step into my room. i’m planning on moving somewhere far from my current house in this next coming year, so sometimes i feel like just waiting it out. but it’s insufferable when going to hangout with someone. i miss my friends, my family, and my partner. it’s crazy to me that i’m dealing with all this at the young age of 18 but, i’m sure lots of people have it way worse. i just want to find a way out, any possible way. but i keep pushing myself deeper and deeper that when i finally find a way, it will no longer exist.
- Date posted
- 20w
some days I wake up with so much dread and guilt. It makes it so hard to keep going. I open my eyes and I’m hit with a wave of nausea and terror. I feel ashamed of my compulsions and my OCD. I feel like a monster for my checking compulsions. For momentarily sexualizing things that shouldn’t be sexualized out of anxiety. I’m ashamed of a lot that I give into because of anxiety. Confessing things that are meaningless to my boyfriend. I feel so awful and unworthy of existing and of love. I feel hopeless I don’t want to keep pushing, the more I push the more meta my OCD becomes and the more guilt I feel for this mental illness. The more confusing it becomes to do ERP. If compulsions are a choice, they feel like life or death and it’s driving me insane, I beat myself up so badly over them I’m scared of compulsions, I’m scared of thoughts, I’m scared to be awake, I’m even scared of sleeping because my intrusions and compulsions haunt me there too. I spend my dreams trying to explain or justify my OCD and compulsions to people. I’m exhausted, I want this to stop so badly. My severe OCD isn’t feeling any less severe and it’s been months. I don’t want to keep questioning my every move but I’m so hyperaware of everything I do. I’m so tired. Some days I don’t even have tears to cry with. I’m just so full of despair and shame
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- Date posted
- 12w
I have to be alone with my children tomorrow and I'm scared. Harm OCD has me panicking and ruminating. I don't want to hurt my babies they mean everything to me. I keep fighting for them, I got a better job for them and I want to create a better life for them. I'm so afraid that I might hurt them so I need to be away from them but I also don't want to be away from them. The thoughts and images are so much. I'd rather die before I hurt them. Accepting the uncertainty of possibly hurting them is not something I can accept or live with. And it doesn't help having existential ocd because that says none of it matters anyway. I just want to be the old me, I hate this disorder I hate this disease I hate me for having these thoughts. I'm sorry for ranting. I just need to get it out. I hate this worry disorder!
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