- Username
- Anonymous:,(
- Date posted
- 3y ago
You ARE NOT weak. This is a horrible, terrifying illness to live with. I have been in the same place as you many times. But I finally had to choose that I HAVE to stop if I ever want to me happy, and if I keep on like this, it doesn’t even matter if the horrible thing is true because my life is already horrible while doing compulsions. You have to commit to it because it’s the only way. I promise it will work if you do. I know it’s scary but it won’t be scary forever. Write a list of reasons why you are going to commit to recovery. Tell yourself you can do the compulsion tomorrow.
I know you didn't reply to me, but your thoughts about this have been blowing my mind. It's just so, so, true. Doing the work is so painful, scary and exhausting, but it's really not better to continue existing in agony and complete distrust in oneself. Even if something "horrible' might be true about oneself, noone deserves to live like this. I really really like how you wrote this
Thank you for this I will try! I think I’m going to read this as a reminder!
@harabix Thank you, it took me a long time to come to this conclusion, but it’s absolutely true. I have to remind myself of this every single day.
@Anonymous Me too. Wishing you all the best on your journey 💕
I wish I could wake up from this never ending nightmare. I wish someone could take all these thoughts and feelings away. I wish I could wake up to a clear mind
You aren't alone. I have thought and felt everything you said. Prior to starting ERP, I had the thought "ERP works for a lot of other people, but it won't work for you." But it HAS worked for me. I've had OCD since about the age of 8. I never knew it until last month. So my compulsions deeply engrained because I have given into the so many times. Also, most of my compulsions are mental, so its sometimes a struggle to identify what is and not a compulsion. Rumination is a huge one for me. ERP is crazy hard and uncomfortable, but it does work. It will change your life.
I really hope my mind is making me go insane and I’m afraid of doing something
@Pain😢🥺 Yeah I have scenarios in my head and I’m scared I want to do it and sometimes I’m scared that I might do it and like it. I always get scared when I see my family members and than the scenario starts playing and the anxiety goes up and I get up and panic. It’s just a vicious cycle. I share a room with my brother and I was having a sexual scenario with him and I started to panic and I got up and went to the bathroom and I calmed down and than the pedo thoughts come in telling me I want to do those things and it just never ends
You're not weak. Sometimes it's difficult to distinguish between your own thoughts and the ones that are being imposed on you.
I’m just scared and it’s hard
@Anonymous🤷🏽♀️ Anything that’s worth it is scary and hard work.
Do you want to talk?
I need a space to breathe and rant and get stuff off my chest so this is what I’m using this for now. I hate being angry. I hate it so much cause I always feel like I have less control over my thoughts and feelings and it makes me feel like I have no control over possible actions etc. which makes it really hard with harm ocd. But it feels like an endless loop, because my ocd is so frustrating it makes me angry, and that makes me feel less in control, so the circle continues. It sucks feeling like if anyone knew what it looked like sometimes inside your head, maybe they wouldn’t love you and they wouldn’t see you the same way. I feel so lonely and hollow that days. I have so many “friends” but they all make me feel more lonely, cause everything is so superficial and pointless and sitting with them just makes me feel like I need to withdraw deeper into myself because they don’t get it and they don’t really want to get it or care. I want to scream and cry cause I can’t control anything. I can’t stop the people I love from dying one day, I cant stop time, and I can’t keep things the same forever. I’m so tired of doubting everything about myself. Am I a pedophile? Am I a danger to my loved ones? Am I psychotic? Ya da ya da ya da. This endless anxiety I have it feels like it’s slowly killing me and it’s making me depressed. I can’t sleep. I haven’t slept for two nights and I mean like at all. I forget to eat I get so anxious and either way I sometimes feel so nauseous I don’t want to eat. My family doesn’t really get it, to them ocd is always just an excuse, or it’s for drama. I have tried to ease myself into the idea that maybe everything is chaos. Bad things happen to good people everything has an end, etc. it’s much easier said than done. If life is an ever changing stormy sea of waves than I’m barely clinging onto anything.
I use to say I hated my life because my situation was bad. Parents split, ended up dropping school, working two jobs, paying off debt always being broke. Not really having friends. Only constant was my boyfriend who was a safe space for me which he really isn’t now. No I’m dealing with these intrusive thoughts and other thinking every thought and attaching mean to everything. Wondering if I’ll become these things. I rather go back to those days when I thought my life actually sucked because right now it’s more than sucking. I wish I could go back to worrying about those minor inconveniences. I wish I could fall asleep and not wake up 10 times a night with anxiety. I wish I could sleep on till 12 in the afternoon on my days off. I wish I could wake up with a clear mind, with no intrusive thoughts and no anxiety. I feel so bad for my mom seeing me like this. She was crying last night because I was confused and I afraid as to how I got this bad. She looks at me like what happened to my daughter she was perfectly normal two months ago, she even said that :( I told her I wish I knew how this happened because I don’t like being like this. It’s crazy how just overnight I became this. I hate it and I wish someone could just take it away. I wish someone could just take all of our OCD and intrusive thoughts away. I’m sorry for posting so much negativity on this app. I just want to vent. Maybe I should start journaling instead of venting here.
I need a different perspective on this. I feel like I'm being run through the ringer. I'm doing what I can to avoid reassurance and not avoid triggers but I get triggered every day. I'm trying so hard to sit with the panic and the horror but it's so hard. It gets to the point I feel physically sick. Is there anything that I can do to help with this? I feel alone. I don't feel strong, I feel like a punching bag. Why is this so hard to master? I really want to know it gets easier. I've been suffering from POCD that has evolved and gotten worse and worse over the past eight months that has been torturing me multiple times on a daily basis and I feel like I'm drowning. I want to run away and hide because my life feel like it's seconds from being ruined. Please, please tell me this gets easier. That this ERP therapy will stop making me feel like I'm dying. The small moments of victory feel so brief only for me to get hit with another wave. There is so much uncertainty over such a horrific thing I feel ill. I feel afraid to be alone with my mind. Please if anyone out there can please give me tips on how to handle ERP. One moment I think I'm finally beating this thing and the next it's got me pinned and I'm terrified my life will be ruined. I want my peace back, I need help and I'm doing everything I can to resist compulsions but I feel so alone and dirty and disgusting. Please help me. Thank you for any advice 💕
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