I feel like my thoughts have been getting worse and I ruminate a lot. This morning I told myself I wasn’t going to let the thoughts get to me but it’s hard. Than the anxiety kicks in and my heart starts racing so fast and I just have these intrusive thoughts. And I don’t want to do the things I normally do to feel better but I feel like I don’t do my compulsion I will end up doing what my intrusive thoughts are and it scares me. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I’m so scared. I want to get out of this cycle but I lack discipline and strength. I don’t know if I’ll ever get out of this. I want to get better but I can’t seem to ignore the thoughts or the feelings. I wish I could be like some of the people on here who can discipline and know thoughts are thoughts. I’m just so weak minded. It’s so hard, I want my life back before I had all these disgusting thoughts. I want me back and I don’t know if I ever will. I’m scared that erp won’t work for me. I’m just so pessimistic. I’m scared of doing erp and coming out of it realizing I am those things. Everyday I wake up it’s like I’m trying to survive. I worry about when night comes and what will happen if I sleep and if I’ll be able to get sleep. I worry about waking and waking up to me checking to make sure everyone in my house is okay. To make sure I didn’t do thoughts that I had about my family members. I feel guilty being around my family members because of the thoughts I have about them. I’m afraid of being alone with them for too long because I’m scared that the anxiety will get to me and I’ll do something disgusting. I just don’t understand why this happened to me and why I have to suffer. Everyday is a constant battle. I just want to give up or just move away. Maybe even get up start a new life where I just live alone and don’t hurt nobody. This is so hard and I hate it so much. If you read my rant, thank you💗.

Maybe,MaybeNot

Date posted: 4y

You ARE NOT weak. This is a horrible, terrifying illness to live with. I have been in the same place as you many times. But I finally had to choose that I HAVE to stop if I ever want to me happy, and if I keep on like this, it doesn’t even matter if the horrible thing is true because my life is already horrible while doing compulsions. You have to commit to it because it’s the only way. I promise it will work if you do. I know it’s scary but it won’t be scary forever. Write a list of reasons why you are going to commit to recovery. Tell yourself you can do the compulsion tomorrow.

RooftopDog

Date posted: 4y

I know you didn't reply to me, but your thoughts about this have been blowing my mind. It's just so, so, true. Doing the work is so painful, scary and exhausting, but it's really not better to continue existing in agony and complete distrust in oneself. Even if something "horrible' might be true about oneself, noone deserves to live like this. I really really like how you wrote this

Anonymous:,(

Date posted: 4y

Thank you for this I will try! I think I’m going to read this as a reminder!

Maybe,MaybeNot

Date posted: 4y

@harabix Thank you, it took me a long time to come to this conclusion, but it’s absolutely true. I have to remind myself of this every single day.

RooftopDog

Date posted: 4y

@Anonymous Me too. Wishing you all the best on your journey 💕

Anonymous:,(

Date posted: 4y

I wish I could wake up from this never ending nightmare. I wish someone could take all these thoughts and feelings away. I wish I could wake up to a clear mind

Lms526

Date posted: 4y

You aren't alone. I have thought and felt everything you said. Prior to starting ERP, I had the thought "ERP works for a lot of other people, but it won't work for you." But it HAS worked for me. I've had OCD since about the age of 8. I never knew it until last month. So my compulsions deeply engrained because I have given into the so many times. Also, most of my compulsions are mental, so its sometimes a struggle to identify what is and not a compulsion. Rumination is a huge one for me. ERP is crazy hard and uncomfortable, but it does work. It will change your life.

Anonymous:,(

Date posted: 4y

I really hope my mind is making me go insane and I’m afraid of doing something

Anonymous:,(

Date posted: 4y

@Pain😢🥺 Yeah I have scenarios in my head and I’m scared I want to do it and sometimes I’m scared that I might do it and like it. I always get scared when I see my family members and than the scenario starts playing and the anxiety goes up and I get up and panic. It’s just a vicious cycle. I share a room with my brother and I was having a sexual scenario with him and I started to panic and I got up and went to the bathroom and I calmed down and than the pedo thoughts come in telling me I want to do those things and it just never ends

GoneHiking

Date posted: 4y

You're not weak. Sometimes it's difficult to distinguish between your own thoughts and the ones that are being imposed on you.

Anonymous:,(

Date posted: 4y

I’m just scared and it’s hard

Maybe,MaybeNot

Date posted: 4y

@Anonymous🤷🏽‍♀️ Anything that’s worth it is scary and hard work.

RooftopDog

Date posted: 4y

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