I feel like my thoughts have been getting worse and I ruminate a lot. This morning I told myself I wasn’t going to let the thoughts get to me but it’s hard. Than the anxiety kicks in and my heart starts racing so fast and I just have these intrusive thoughts. And I don’t want to do the things I normally do to feel better but I feel like I don’t do my compulsion I will end up doing what my intrusive thoughts are and it scares me. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I’m so scared. I want to get out of this cycle but I lack discipline and strength. I don’t know if I’ll ever get out of this. I want to get better but I can’t seem to ignore the thoughts or the feelings. I wish I could be like some of the people on here who can discipline and know thoughts are thoughts. I’m just so weak minded. It’s so hard, I want my life back before I had all these disgusting thoughts. I want me back and I don’t know if I ever will. I’m scared that erp won’t work for me. I’m just so pessimistic. I’m scared of doing erp and coming out of it realizing I am those things. Everyday I wake up it’s like I’m trying to survive. I worry about when night comes and what will happen if I sleep and if I’ll be able to get sleep. I worry about waking and waking up to me checking to make sure everyone in my house is okay. To make sure I didn’t do thoughts that I had about my family members. I feel guilty being around my family members because of the thoughts I have about them. I’m afraid of being alone with them for too long because I’m scared that the anxiety will get to me and I’ll do something disgusting. I just don’t understand why this happened to me and why I have to suffer. Everyday is a constant battle. I just want to give up or just move away. Maybe even get up start a new life where I just live alone and don’t hurt nobody. This is so hard and I hate it so much. If you read my rant, thank you💗.

I have to be alone with my children tomorrow and I'm scared. Harm OCD has me panicking and ruminating. I don't want to hurt my babies they mean everything to me. I keep fighting for them, I got a better job for them and I want to create a better life for them. I'm so afraid that I might hurt them so I need to be away from them but I also don't want to be away from them. The thoughts and images are so much. I'd rather die before I hurt them. Accepting the uncertainty of possibly hurting them is not something I can accept or live with. And it doesn't help having existential ocd because that says none of it matters anyway. I just want to be the old me, I hate this disorder I hate this disease I hate me for having these thoughts. I'm sorry for ranting. I just need to get it out. I hate this worry disorder!

Not sure what to say. Just that I am so tired of dealing with OCD - I’ve had it for most of my life and as a 40 something woman, I’m exhausted. I’m tired of being misunderstood and mistreated. I’m tired of seeing relationships that I have dwindle bc my friends and family are overwhelmed with my ruminations and reassurance. I’m embarrassed bc I overwhelm my friends and family with whom I’ve trusted my personal thoughts with and I keep thinking that they can help me through stuff only to be let down. I’ve yet to meet another mind like mines who is complicated but trying to survive because I have children and want to see them grow. I’m tired of feeling defeated because someone took advantage of me and my thoughts. It’s so exhausting but I’m ready to try this because I know I need help. Not sure if this is triggering I’m just ranting bc I’m so lost.

i’ve been dealing with SOCD for 5 years and truly believe it has altered my life completely😀. i haven’t been properly diagnosed but the child therapist I had when i was in hs kind of hinted to me i had something more than just plain anxiety. i’ve also dealt with intrusive thoughts all throughout my childhood and as my family life got worse my anxiety got worse annnd i started getting more and more thoughts that wouldn’t leave me. I remember spending months not swallowing right and practically starving myself bc i kept thinking i was going to choke. i also rmbr spending months worrying ab death and dying EVERYDAY. it woke up with horrible anxiety and it was all i could think about. i can still rmbr sitting in my grandpas chair and just staring off and thinking “im going to die one day” “idk what’s going to happen” “is god real” “i don’t want to die” “what if there is no heaven” and so on. when the socd thoughts started i was 15. i searched around online for help and found reddit and i was like “omg yes finally people who understand and are going through EXACTLY what im going through.” finding that community and this app has helped me so much. anyway i had such a horrible time during my teenage years bc of all the intrusive thoughts about my sexuality, my relationship (glad that’s over), and some other things here and there. i was so so depressed and i felt no one around me understood how fucking awful i felt. i woke up everyday anxious, depressed, numb, and exhausted. when i started college i told my old therapist that even tho im extremely afraid of death i just didnt like living. i would cry in my car before class and just sob ab how awful i felt. although my mental health has gotten SO much better as time went on and the thoughts haven’t been as frequent im definitely not doing well. i am literally stuck. i’m still in college but i don’t know what to do with myself. those years of anxiety and depression have left me STUCK. im so much happier? and i can manage the thoughts way better but i don’t want to do anything. i only talk to 2 friends (literally lost so many great friendships), i RARELY drive bc im afraid ill die in a car crash (only to school and back), i don’t go out, i don’t ask for help at school, i avoid conversations, i avoid ppl in general, i don’t put in that much effort into school, i don’t have hobbies, i don’t want to do anything, i literally have the worst social anxiety now, im afraid of everything. i feel like the only reason im “ok” now is bc i’ve avoided literally everything. i’ve basically spent three years of my life doing nothing. i’m not happy with where i am in my life but im so scared to do anything. i miss who i was before all of this. i’ve been dealing with anxiety all my life and ik my childhood and early teen years made me like this. i didn’t know how to deal with the things i went through/saw as a little kid and i guess everything exploded in my teen years. but i want to be better i want to start LIVING. i’m definitely happier than before but im not living. what frustrates me is i refuse to do anything about it. i know a big reason why i don’t experience as many intrusive thoughts is bc i avoid everything 😭. ik what i have to do to get better and turn my life around BUT I WONT DO ANYTHING. idk how to explain this but its not laziness i feel like my body is exhausted. i think im just so traumatized from feeling so fucking horrible for so many years i just shut down ykwim?? i don’t have any libido, i don’t find ppl attractive, i can’t get myself to do the things im interested in (so many books r piled on my floor), i rot all day, i push off my responsibilities till the last minute, i can’t even get myself to go on a small walk. i don’t know where i was going w this but if someone who’s going through the same thing sees this ur not alone. i just needed to get this out. hopefully one day things will get better.