- Username
- Anonymous:,(
- Date posted
- 3y ago
You ARE NOT weak. This is a horrible, terrifying illness to live with. I have been in the same place as you many times. But I finally had to choose that I HAVE to stop if I ever want to me happy, and if I keep on like this, it doesn’t even matter if the horrible thing is true because my life is already horrible while doing compulsions. You have to commit to it because it’s the only way. I promise it will work if you do. I know it’s scary but it won’t be scary forever. Write a list of reasons why you are going to commit to recovery. Tell yourself you can do the compulsion tomorrow.
I know you didn't reply to me, but your thoughts about this have been blowing my mind. It's just so, so, true. Doing the work is so painful, scary and exhausting, but it's really not better to continue existing in agony and complete distrust in oneself. Even if something "horrible' might be true about oneself, noone deserves to live like this. I really really like how you wrote this
Thank you for this I will try! I think I’m going to read this as a reminder!
@harabix Thank you, it took me a long time to come to this conclusion, but it’s absolutely true. I have to remind myself of this every single day.
@Anonymous Me too. Wishing you all the best on your journey 💕
I wish I could wake up from this never ending nightmare. I wish someone could take all these thoughts and feelings away. I wish I could wake up to a clear mind
You aren't alone. I have thought and felt everything you said. Prior to starting ERP, I had the thought "ERP works for a lot of other people, but it won't work for you." But it HAS worked for me. I've had OCD since about the age of 8. I never knew it until last month. So my compulsions deeply engrained because I have given into the so many times. Also, most of my compulsions are mental, so its sometimes a struggle to identify what is and not a compulsion. Rumination is a huge one for me. ERP is crazy hard and uncomfortable, but it does work. It will change your life.
I really hope my mind is making me go insane and I’m afraid of doing something
@Pain😢🥺 Yeah I have scenarios in my head and I’m scared I want to do it and sometimes I’m scared that I might do it and like it. I always get scared when I see my family members and than the scenario starts playing and the anxiety goes up and I get up and panic. It’s just a vicious cycle. I share a room with my brother and I was having a sexual scenario with him and I started to panic and I got up and went to the bathroom and I calmed down and than the pedo thoughts come in telling me I want to do those things and it just never ends
You're not weak. Sometimes it's difficult to distinguish between your own thoughts and the ones that are being imposed on you.
I’m just scared and it’s hard
@Anonymous🤷🏽♀️ Anything that’s worth it is scary and hard work.
Do you want to talk?
I need a space to breathe and rant and get stuff off my chest so this is what I’m using this for now. I hate being angry. I hate it so much cause I always feel like I have less control over my thoughts and feelings and it makes me feel like I have no control over possible actions etc. which makes it really hard with harm ocd. But it feels like an endless loop, because my ocd is so frustrating it makes me angry, and that makes me feel less in control, so the circle continues. It sucks feeling like if anyone knew what it looked like sometimes inside your head, maybe they wouldn’t love you and they wouldn’t see you the same way. I feel so lonely and hollow that days. I have so many “friends” but they all make me feel more lonely, cause everything is so superficial and pointless and sitting with them just makes me feel like I need to withdraw deeper into myself because they don’t get it and they don’t really want to get it or care. I want to scream and cry cause I can’t control anything. I can’t stop the people I love from dying one day, I cant stop time, and I can’t keep things the same forever. I’m so tired of doubting everything about myself. Am I a pedophile? Am I a danger to my loved ones? Am I psychotic? Ya da ya da ya da. This endless anxiety I have it feels like it’s slowly killing me and it’s making me depressed. I can’t sleep. I haven’t slept for two nights and I mean like at all. I forget to eat I get so anxious and either way I sometimes feel so nauseous I don’t want to eat. My family doesn’t really get it, to them ocd is always just an excuse, or it’s for drama. I have tried to ease myself into the idea that maybe everything is chaos. Bad things happen to good people everything has an end, etc. it’s much easier said than done. If life is an ever changing stormy sea of waves than I’m barely clinging onto anything.
I need a different perspective on this. I feel like I'm being run through the ringer. I'm doing what I can to avoid reassurance and not avoid triggers but I get triggered every day. I'm trying so hard to sit with the panic and the horror but it's so hard. It gets to the point I feel physically sick. Is there anything that I can do to help with this? I feel alone. I don't feel strong, I feel like a punching bag. Why is this so hard to master? I really want to know it gets easier. I've been suffering from POCD that has evolved and gotten worse and worse over the past eight months that has been torturing me multiple times on a daily basis and I feel like I'm drowning. I want to run away and hide because my life feel like it's seconds from being ruined. Please, please tell me this gets easier. That this ERP therapy will stop making me feel like I'm dying. The small moments of victory feel so brief only for me to get hit with another wave. There is so much uncertainty over such a horrific thing I feel ill. I feel afraid to be alone with my mind. Please if anyone out there can please give me tips on how to handle ERP. One moment I think I'm finally beating this thing and the next it's got me pinned and I'm terrified my life will be ruined. I want my peace back, I need help and I'm doing everything I can to resist compulsions but I feel so alone and dirty and disgusting. Please help me. Thank you for any advice 💕
Sorry this is long I don’t know where to begin but, at the beginning of the year I went through something that was hard. And I was so mad at God bc I was so hurt and I felt like I was in so much pain and I was so alone. And I remember I had some bad thoughts. I don’t remember these thoughts exactly but lietrally months later I was sitting down all normal and dealing with other forms of OCD that were so painful, but less painful than this. Anyways so then since then I have been stressing that I might have acted of these thoughts. I don’t have a memory but my brain keeps telling me I did that. Anyways I have been having intrusive thoughts since and it hurts so much. It hurts so bad and I can’t do this anymore. I don’t wanna do this anymore. I keep having these thoughts and it makes me stress so much and want to throw up. It makes me hurt myself. I have bruises all over my body and I’m just so done with this. And sometimes my brain will bring these memories of these intrusive thoughts into my mind or say my trigger thoughts and it makes me hurt so much. And then I start to go over these thoughts bc I feel so bad and I don’t want to have them. Sometimes when I am stressing about theee things they pass by and it makes me panic so bad. I was lietrally just eating and I was punching my hand so hard while thinking about all the thoughts I have had and the things my OCD had made me believe I did, and while I was doing that a thought came to my mind about what my OCD keeps telling me I did and I panicked so hard. I had to eat so fast just so I can lock myself up in my room. I didnt want to have the thought. I think I was just lost in listening to my OCD and then I started talking to myself about what I think I did and when I had the thought I was punching my self so hard that I didn’t even have time to shake it off straight away. I have this conclusion where whenever I have a bad thought I write it down bc my brain tells me that I’m a bad person and I should forget about these thoughts so I grabbed my phone as soon as the panic set in. Sometimes I question whether I had those thoughts intentionally or if i forget them and then I remember the wrong thing and it makes me feel even worse. My brain tells me that if I don’t panic staright away and hurt myself then it means that I mean the thought. I’m in so much pain. I’m really don’t want to think about it but it happens and it feel so real and that it comes from me and that I did something bad. I know this makes no sense but I don’t want to be like this. I go to bed most nights hoping I never wake up. I really don’t mean theee thoughts, sometimes they come when u I’m justify thinking about all the bad things my OCD has made me believe I did and then I panic over remberinf these things. What if im thinking this on purpose? What if the thought I had is so much worse? What if God will never forgive me? I don’t want to live anymore I hate my life and im never going to get out of this. I was just trying to have a normal dinner but my mind never stops. Whether it’s me imaegnitn things or thinking about my thoughts and going over them, I feel so guilty. I can’t even get any help bc I can’t afford it. No one knows I go through this. Ok all alone. Im all alone .
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