I regret some of the illegal things that I saw online when I first got my phone when I was 13. I have a vague memory of seeing something horrific in a Kik group chat, it was cp. even just typing it out absolutely disgusts me. Although I was just a child myself I feel so awful about seeing it, at the time I didn’t even understand what I was watching. Many years later my mind is now twisting what happened telling me things like I’m a pedo and that I liked it..that I’m sick and should have known what I was watching and closed the app. I don’t remember how old the girl even looked but I think she was probably my age or abouts, that’s what confused me. I regret seeing it I want to rip my eyes out of my head. This is really difficult to open up about so please be considerate I don’t know how to begin to forgive myself and move on, or even if I should forgive my younger self makes me feel like I deserve to die

Sending you a lot of love 💕 The best I can say is that we all do stupid, terrifying, sometimes harmful things in our life, espically when we’re young. You shouldn’t have to suffer forever because of that! You forgiving yourself doesn’t hurt anyone and can free you from your suffering. I know it’s hard and it probably feels like you need to suffer from guilt to make it right but pain never heals harm

Similar things have happened to me when I got caught up in a porn addiction around that same age. It began to surface through most of high school which was most likely used as a coping mechanism to get away from anything bad I was feeling or anything traumatic. I guess practicing self forgiveness is something we can all use for ourselves. It also helps to note that we were all very young once and we all make mistakes and we can get better as we evolve. It's really easy to be hard on yourself even if you don't deserve to be.

Thank you for your prayers and advice, I appreciate your response <3

You don’t deserve to die. As we get older, we learn more! I’m proud of you for being here and I know how mistakes can linger in our intrusive thoughts but I pray that you will see how much your life is worth.