I regret some of the illegal things that I saw online when I first got my phone when I was 13. I have a vague memory of seeing something horrific in a Kik group chat, it was cp. even just typing it out absolutely disgusts me. Although I was just a child myself I feel so awful about seeing it, at the time I didn’t even understand what I was watching. Many years later my mind is now twisting what happened telling me things like I’m a pedo and that I liked it..that I’m sick and should have known what I was watching and closed the app. I don’t remember how old the girl even looked but I think she was probably my age or abouts, that’s what confused me. I regret seeing it I want to rip my eyes out of my head. This is really difficult to open up about so please be considerate I don’t know how to begin to forgive myself and move on, or even if I should forgive my younger self makes me feel like I deserve to die

Okay so I'm young. A bit young than u might Imagine. Me and my boyfriend where bored and I searched up gay porn js as a joke on google. It was completely blurred. And we where js talking about our truma, and personal stuff while literally just looking at the titles. And I saw a title. A title that has trumstixed me before (I saw the actual video before involving a minor. ) and I clicked on it, still heavily blurred to show my boyfriend the title. And i said baby this really effected me this video. And then I looked below it, same video, blurred. Different title. And I clicked on it to stupidly read the other title. And it FUCKING UNBLURRED. and I SCREAMED saying to my boyfriend if he saw it. And he said no he looked away. And he was so unfazed. And I asked chat gpt about it and it said what I done was NOT okay. Because I looked at child stuff on purpose? My heart has just SANK. self harm urges are back. INTENSE confession compulsions to my mum are back. What do I do. Please someone help.

I had a compulsion to look up “child nudity” on google to see people’s opinions on whether nudity in children is sexualized or not. This came from a whole other obsession that I’m not going to get into right now. I had another compulsion to click on images and I told myself I didn’t want to I had a compulsion to look up “child nudity” on google to see people’s opinions on whether nudity in children is sexualized or not. This came from a whole other obsession that I’m not going to get into right now. I had another compulsion to click on images and I told myself I didn’t want to do that but still did it anyway. I saw one boy naked from the front. I immediately closed the tab but then got another compulsion to look again to confirm what I saw. I searched again and looked on images this time seeing a toddler girl nude from the back. I closed the tab and got a compulsion to look at the first image again to confirm the approximate age of the boy in the first picture and this time saw a girl toddler nude from the front. Doing all of this I yelled at myself to stop and when I saw the last picture of the girl I started crying. I’m still in tears and I’m so scared. I have another urge to look at the source of that photo with the boy again to confirm he wasn’t getting sexually exploited in that image. It was from 1920 and he had a straight face so I’m worried I actually saw something really bad. These images weren’t sexualized I think but are they still considered CP? Did I just see illegal material? Either way I just looked at photos of nude children 3 separate times and now I hate myself more than I ever had before. I feel like I shouldn’t be alive right now. I’m a disgusting human being l don’t deserve to live what is wrong with me. I don’t care if this is ocd I gave into a really inappropriate compulsion and didn’t stop myself. I’m not afraid I’m going to harm children I know for a fact I would never do that but this is a step too far. How do I continue living with myself. I messaged my therapist for the first time and she said we can have a session tomorrow but I’m an absolute mess right now. I’m crying so hard I gave myself a headache and it’s getting hard to breathe correctly.

18+ I think these are some of the the worst real events ive ever done... and Im so triggered because the last thing I want is to be a a P or a MAP... im triggered because I dont want the people ive become friends with on NOCD to block me because they think im a P or a MAP... thats the last thing I want... These events, combined with my extremely horrible pocd real events at the ages of either 13 or 14... (for context i cant remember the exact age) makes me think im a P when i dont ever want to be... When I was 17-18... i s3xually consumed l0licon on occasion... I saw the term, but i didnt know what the term meant... I thought that since it was on public h3ntai sites, and it had millions of views, that i thought it was safe to consume... when I did my research when I was 19 (and my pocd first emerged) onto what exactly the term was... I was horrified and mortified... I puked and gagged and felt numb for days... and I never ever looked at it again... it's been 5 years since then... im 24 now... and the last thing I want is to ever be exposed to this kind of content ever again... let alone consume it... I should've been more knowledgeable and it's my fault... my pocd and real events ocd call me a P and a MAP when these are the LAST things i want to be... I know what I did was wrong and I regret it immensely till this day... and im so overwhelmed... the last thing i want is to be inappropriately attracted to kids in any capacity... im just so anxious and triggered...