I feel terrible. The porn I watched from ages 12-16 was disgusting, I feel like some sick sexual deviant. I don’t have the courage to tell my therapist what exactly I watched out of fear that they’ll confirm that it’s not ocd and my fears are true. I did tell them talk a little bit about my obsession with porn and we did erp for it but my fear is still so strong. I’ve seen people obsess about the same thing but I always feel like what I did was way worse.. :( I just don’t want to feel this way anymore when I’m doing good my fears seem so irrational and stupid but when it gets bad it feels very real and that my life is over.

OCD sucks. That's for sure. It's hard when we have a flare up. One thing I can tell you is that since you feel bad for what you watched you need to forgive yourself. And before your brain tells you that you are bad or horrible understand that you can forgive yourself. Is not a feeling or something magical. It's a decision to let go of what you did and do something different now. Actually is more of a lifestyle. Usually when we struggle with OCD we look for reassurance but I can tell you that it's ok if you feel bad for what you did but now it's time to let it go again by forgiving yourself. Doesn't mean you won't struggle but it will get better and better the more you practice. Don't let the thoughts and anxiety pull you down. Don't argue with the thoughts except maybe tell yourself once: "I forgive myself for that" and go do something good for you or someone else.

What you wrote at the end hit me. We OCD people have a tendency to have a hyper inflated sense of responsibility thinking that we need to solve and figure everything out immediately. Believe me I'm an expert on that. The problem I have come to understand is not the anxiety that makes us feel in danger but our relationship with it. I once heard someone give advice saying that we should recognize that the anxiety is present like a person but you aren't going to engage with them. In fact he said to laugh about it and say things to the thoughts like: "yeah, sure. That's what you think? Fine. You aren't going to pull me down." And move on. It sounds simpler than what it actually entails but with practice it gets better. Try not to obsess doesn't mean try not to think about it. That's counter productive. It's more about recognizing the clouds in the thought and focusing on something else. Like the clouds in the sky let the thoughts move and focus on a different cloud. Hope this helps.

I was addicted to porn from age 9-19. And I also watched some fucked up shit. I can’t get this pictures out of my head and I probably never will. There is a reason they are 18+. You can’t cope with this when you are too young... I learnt that to late. I would recommend to stop watching porn. Like to completely quit it. This makes a huge impact and can help to fight OCD. OCD makes you obsessed with things and when you get obsessed with porn you get addicted and then it’s so hard to get out of that circle.

I’m so haunted by it, my brain harasses me with intrusive images of the porn and it makes me want to puke.

Just know you aren't alone whatsoever. I have 100% the exact same obsessions you have and it can feel really discouraging and scary as fuck to try and talk about it. I was around that age group when it all started myself. Best thing I would say you can do is to practice letting things go, which at times, for me feels impossible. Because of being exposed to porn that early in my life, I can't help but associate any kind of sexual topic with it. It's always there and when it activates, I get really disgusted. Just the thought alone of what I've seen when I were much younger is enough to throw me off for most of the day. I just wish educational systems and parents were a lot more direct on the topic of pornography. It's serious and the stage of adolescence is dare I say the most important process of a human being's life. They're making the difficult shift from childhood to adulthood. It takes quite a bit to get through and to get hooked on something like porn or any drug for that matter only makes a lot of things worse. I often feel lots of shame when I remember the things I've seen. But I also try to remember why I turned to porn in the first place: For most people it was used as a coping mechanism to "escape" from the problems I had faced when high school began. That only made things EXTREMELY worse since it did nothing but boil up those feelings and those problems and add insult to injury. It's not fun looking at people as objects like social media loves to portray any chance it gets. I try to remember that at the mere age of 14, I knew absolutely nothing about sexual topics but wanted to know. There's not a day that goes by where I wish a trustworthy adult could have warn me and others about such things. In short, just know that you aren't alone. You'll get the support you need to get out of this. The fact that we feel bad about these things says something about us. It says that we want to try and forgive, prevent, and let go of these hurts. It takes time though.