Isabella
- Date posted
- 3y
Warrior25Warrior25
- Date posted
- 3y
OCD sucks. That's for sure. It's hard when we have a flare up. One thing I can tell you is that since you feel bad for what you watched you need to forgive yourself. And before your brain tells you that you are bad or horrible understand that you can forgive yourself. Is not a feeling or something magical. It's a decision to let go of what you did and do something different now. Actually is more of a lifestyle. Usually when we struggle with OCD we look for reassurance but I can tell you that it's ok if you feel bad for what you did but now it's time to let it go again by forgiving yourself. Doesn't mean you won't struggle but it will get better and better the more you practice. Don't let the thoughts and anxiety pull you down. Don't argue with the thoughts except maybe tell yourself once: "I forgive myself for that" and go do something good for you or someone else.
IsabellaIsabella
- Date posted
- 3y
Thank you that response helps a lot, I have a hard time forgiving myself because ocd convinces me I’m a monster/that it means something about me, or that I’d do it again. It’s even worse when ocd makes me doubt it’s even ocd… I’ll try not to argue or engage with the thoughts, it’s hard not doing compulsions with a theme like this because it feels like I have to figure it all out or else I’m in danger.
Warrior25Warrior25
- Date posted
- 3y
What you wrote at the end hit me. We OCD people have a tendency to have a hyper inflated sense of responsibility thinking that we need to solve and figure everything out immediately. Believe me I'm an expert on that. The problem I have come to understand is not the anxiety that makes us feel in danger but our relationship with it. I once heard someone give advice saying that we should recognize that the anxiety is present like a person but you aren't going to engage with them. In fact he said to laugh about it and say things to the thoughts like: "yeah, sure. That's what you think? Fine. You aren't going to pull me down." And move on. It sounds simpler than what it actually entails but with practice it gets better. Try not to obsess doesn't mean try not to think about it. That's counter productive. It's more about recognizing the clouds in the thought and focusing on something else. Like the clouds in the sky let the thoughts move and focus on a different cloud. Hope this helps.
IsabellaIsabella
- Date posted
- 3y
Thanks again, that helps
nightrain23nightrain23
- Date posted
- 3y
I was addicted to porn from age 9-19. And I also watched some fucked up shit. I can’t get this pictures out of my head and I probably never will. There is a reason they are 18+. You can’t cope with this when you are too young... I learnt that to late. I would recommend to stop watching porn. Like to completely quit it. This makes a huge impact and can help to fight OCD. OCD makes you obsessed with things and when you get obsessed with porn you get addicted and then it’s so hard to get out of that circle.
BigGyro09BigGyro09
- Date posted
- 3y
Completely agree. I've seen some pretty terrible things myself that I unfortunately remember to this day back when I was about 13-18. It absolutely sucks that basically children get caught up in something like this like me, you, and OP has and it's a struggle to get through the day when shit like that comes up in your mind. For me personally, it makes it super difficult to enjoy a healthy sex life because I can't help but tie it all with that putrid filth. I would not only consider porn to be this generation's version of drugs, but a serious addiction that can really hurt people. It can hurt the expectations of people, hurt performers, children unfortunately get involved, people lose money over it, escalation happens, etc. Yet people just accept it like it's no big deal. Really sucks.
IsabellaIsabella
- Date posted
- 3y
I’m so haunted by it, my brain harasses me with intrusive images of the porn and it makes me want to puke.
BigGyro09BigGyro09
- Date posted
- 3y
Just know you aren't alone whatsoever. I have 100% the exact same obsessions you have and it can feel really discouraging and scary as fuck to try and talk about it. I was around that age group when it all started myself. Best thing I would say you can do is to practice letting things go, which at times, for me feels impossible. Because of being exposed to porn that early in my life, I can't help but associate any kind of sexual topic with it. It's always there and when it activates, I get really disgusted. Just the thought alone of what I've seen when I were much younger is enough to throw me off for most of the day. I just wish educational systems and parents were a lot more direct on the topic of pornography. It's serious and the stage of adolescence is dare I say the most important process of a human being's life. They're making the difficult shift from childhood to adulthood. It takes quite a bit to get through and to get hooked on something like porn or any drug for that matter only makes a lot of things worse. I often feel lots of shame when I remember the things I've seen. But I also try to remember why I turned to porn in the first place: For most people it was used as a coping mechanism to "escape" from the problems I had faced when high school began. That only made things EXTREMELY worse since it did nothing but boil up those feelings and those problems and add insult to injury. It's not fun looking at people as objects like social media loves to portray any chance it gets. I try to remember that at the mere age of 14, I knew absolutely nothing about sexual topics but wanted to know. There's not a day that goes by where I wish a trustworthy adult could have warn me and others about such things. In short, just know that you aren't alone. You'll get the support you need to get out of this. The fact that we feel bad about these things says something about us. It says that we want to try and forgive, prevent, and let go of these hurts. It takes time though.
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Abuchs
- Date posted
- 24w
FUCK please help me what is wrong with me
I am a girl's in my twenties. I got diagnosed with OCD last year. I have a boyfriend, sadly we're long distance right now. I've liked boys all my life. It's very difficult to sustain intimacy in a long distance relationship. Sometimes I have intimate calls with my boyfriend and it's nice. Other times, however, (and I am not proud of it) I do watch porn. I started watching porn when I was 16. I've tried to quit it many times but every couple of weeks I go back to it. And as everyone knows, one of the MANY problems with it is that your brain will always ask for more. More taboo things, more explicit things. I have a daddy kink. I've roleplayed with my boyfriend and watched porn of this kink. Now, the thing is that my brain keeps telling me that I won't orgasm unless I think of little girls being ab*sed. I've never looked for that on the internet, I never want to either. I am under EXTREME DISTRESS, because what my brain tells me feels SO REAL, and it's like my pleasure gets blocked and that contributes to me thinking my brain must be right. It wasn't like this before. I want to go back. I'm scared it will be like this forever now.
Andi 🤓☝️
- Date posted
- 16w
Distressed 18+
I feel nauseous. Extremely sick, i cannot eat, cant sleep well, and I haven't enjoyed things I normally enjoy to cry in bed and spiral for several days already. I feel extremely anxious over my past real events. I remembered something extremely triggering. I used to be morbidly curious about crimes and like I remember when i was a younger teen I watched a dark documentary that honestly i shouldnt have watched. There was this extremely weird scene and i think i felt weirded out but also a little aroused? but only bc I was thinking "lucky, shes already having sex. I wish I was her so i could experience it too." The poor person was like 1-3 years younger than me at the time. I KNOW how wrong that is now i legit feel like im going to throw up rn. Anyway I think I felt a little aroused??? And I think I touched myself a little bit and imagined myself in her place? I dont think I enjoyed it bc i remember it felt forced and weird and i stopped. I never did it again. I feel so sick! I would NEVER watch a documentary like that now as an adult and think or touch myself to it thats just so wrong but im scared that this is a sign im a sicko/p. I remmeber crying at the end of the documentary bc I felt disturbed by the contents but i still put some in my watch later out of morbid curiosity to see more real cases of these crimes bc they scared me. I never watched them again though. It only happened once and it was before my ocd started which SCARES me even more!!! And i wouldnt watch them as an adult either theyre too disturbing! I regret it so badly and feel like a monster bc it was messed up. Like what was wrong with me?! Theyre extremely disturbing to me and I rather avoid such content bc its triggering to my ocd but im afraid now like was that a sign of me possibly being a p? Am I a monster??? Am I in denial? Is this even ocd?! I feel so much shame and guilt it's killing me. 😔
Anonymous
- Date posted
- 13w
I messed up really bad, don’t deserve to live
I had a compulsion to look up “child nudity” on google to see people’s opinions on whether nudity in children is sexualized or not. This came from a whole other obsession that I’m not going to get into right now. I had another compulsion to click on images and I told myself I didn’t want to I had a compulsion to look up “child nudity” on google to see people’s opinions on whether nudity in children is sexualized or not. This came from a whole other obsession that I’m not going to get into right now. I had another compulsion to click on images and I told myself I didn’t want to do that but still did it anyway. I saw one boy naked from the front. I immediately closed the tab but then got another compulsion to look again to confirm what I saw. I searched again and looked on images this time seeing a toddler girl nude from the back. I closed the tab and got a compulsion to look at the first image again to confirm the approximate age of the boy in the first picture and this time saw a girl toddler nude from the front. Doing all of this I yelled at myself to stop and when I saw the last picture of the girl I started crying. I’m still in tears and I’m so scared. I have another urge to look at the source of that photo with the boy again to confirm he wasn’t getting sexually exploited in that image. It was from 1920 and he had a straight face so I’m worried I actually saw something really bad. These images weren’t sexualized I think but are they still considered CP? Did I just see illegal material? Either way I just looked at photos of nude children 3 separate times and now I hate myself more than I ever had before. I feel like I shouldn’t be alive right now. I’m a disgusting human being l don’t deserve to live what is wrong with me. I don’t care if this is ocd I gave into a really inappropriate compulsion and didn’t stop myself. I’m not afraid I’m going to harm children I know for a fact I would never do that but this is a step too far. How do I continue living with myself. I messaged my therapist for the first time and she said we can have a session tomorrow but I’m an absolute mess right now. I’m crying so hard I gave myself a headache and it’s getting hard to breathe correctly.
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