hey guys, anyone with eating disorders or body dysmorphia? ive had certain habits for a long, long time but ive started seeing them through a different light now. i usually try and starve myself to stay unbloated and skinny looking, and usually after a while i get so hungry that i binge eat. after the binge is over, i either drink excessive amounts of coffee (to work like laxatives) or i starve for days on end to “make up” for it. in all honesty, i would just throw up if it wasnt for a surreal fear of vomiting (only way emetophobia has been good for me ever) about half of the time i feel good about my looks, weight, body, face and all that, but the rest of the time i feel like i look disgusting, and thats where the starving comes in, and excessive grooming habits to cover my flaws. all of this was way worse a couple of years ago, and then it got way better, but along with all of this ocd this has gotten worse again. i feel like the way the “eating disorder” habits and the “body dysmorphia” plays out kind of look like an ocd cycle (sorry for self diagnosing, i dont know if i actually have these) another thing that i know for sure is very unhealthy is the amount of shame and embarrassment i have towards my body. i feel i “have” to do so many things to cover up, prevent or get ready for certain events or plans. overall, any time i need to be proper or any bodypart of mine has a role in something, i get so stressed to the point of panic attacks. i nearly had a burnout when i was seeing this guy for two months (my first time dating someone) from just sheer stress. before meeting up with him i would panic for hours, and still would while being with him. i barely got to enjoy the good times.

not THAT OCD related, but i’m so tired of looking in the mirror and picking apart the things that i feel are wrong with myself. after my first session with my therapist, she said i also have body dysmorphic disorder, which is commonly seen in people who have OCD. i’m not a person who cries easily, but this problem i have within myself almost brings me to tears often and eats at me every single day. i cant enjoy simple things without being fixated on how i look/my appearance while doing them. if i’m swimming in the pool, i’m thinking about how my face looks with my hair wet and get uncomfortable when i feel like someone is looking at me for too long. i feel uncomfortable in rooms with certain lighting. i adjust the angle or position my body is at while interacting with other people just because i’m concerned with how they’re seeing me. just a rant, feeling really defeated.

i definitely think my eating disorder is caused from my ocd, if not only spurring it on. it feels so good to have such a rigid routine on myself. it feels grounding, but exhausting as well. its so fucking tiring being so strict on myself every second of every day but if i ever went off track i would no doubt think about it for like 3 whole days in paranoia of what the affects will be later and how i’ll get rid of it. i fucking hate it. i cant help but check my weight multiple times a day; if i don’t i feel panicked and lost. sorry this is a post about an ED but i do genuinely think if i didn’t have OCD i probably wouldn’t have this. if this isn’t appropriate to post let me know

i feel so fucking trapped i feel so clueless what to do because ive been eatinf for the past 3 days and i feel like im not supposed to and im gaining weight even though im walking 9 miles a day and i dont know what to do because i’m doing everything i fucking can to lose weight and nothings working and im so terrified and i wish i could tell someone in my family and i just woke up to check my weight and i’m barely less lbs than yesterday and i HAVE to be losing weight or im doing something wrong and i am but its barely anything and im just so obsessed with calories and im starting to get obsessed with macros and its so fucking bad and i just feel myself falling deeper into the hole and i cant do anything about it. im crying so hard because im so tired of living like this constantly with no one close ro talk to about it. im having a hard time working out lately since its so cold out and so i have to use the treadmill inside but my ocd makes me constantly paranoid if people in my house can hear me or see me on the treadmill and im on it for like 2+ hours so i want to skip doing it because im constantly checking behind me and i cant ljsten to music when i have to check if people are coming out of their bedrooms but i cant take a break from working out since i know im gaining weight for some reason. i just wish i fasted those days i told myself i should have eaten. im so mad at myself for everything and i wish my body made sense to me. im going to kbbq tonight and its why im having this breakdown because i should be losing weight but its gonna make me gain weight. i dont want to go i really really dont want to go but i cant tell my friend that. i just dont want to go to any social outings ever again because they all make me gain weight. im so scared i dont know what to do i just want to go back to starving myself because its the safest option. im so sick of seeing the number on the scale go up and i just feel so fucking defeated