So anti-vaxxers rightly get a lot of backlash from the mainstream, but I keep thinking about how parents that dont "believe" In either mental illness, or in the many scientifically tested ways of treating mental illness, deprive their children of mental healthcare.... And thats just......... Normal. It's totally different if it's something parents can't afford (which is itself a horror and injustice). I know there are side effects to many psychiatric meds, especially for minors, but there are very safe ways of trying medications, and lots of alternatives, like therapy. Im just talking sorry, this keeps bothering me, especially when people talk about the anti-vaxxers. I wish there was that same energy behind childrens mental health.

I’ve noticed that sometimes when people say things about killing MAPs or how they don’t deserve treatment I get a little. Well defensive isn’t the right word. I just get this feeling that if someone is getting treatment for their disorder and doesn’t want to hurt anyone they shouldn’t be killed or anything. I think it might be that part of my brain that is always questioning if I’m one and it’s scary to think about… I don’t know. I don’t think it’s something that should be like. Celebrated obviously. But there are some people who get treatment for it and don’t hurt anyone… maybe I just don’t like the idea of killing entire groups when there are other ways to deal with it too. I don’t know. I feel like there’s fighting going on in my brain because on one hand I think it’s disgusting and that anyone who acts on it SHOULD be punished and people who don’t think there’s something wrong with it SHOULD be ashamed, but on the other I guess I kind of feel for people who don’t want to hurt anyone and want to get help. It’s not the same as intrusive thoughts obviously bc there isn’t any fear accompanied with it for them, but they still get that it’s wrong… I dunno, maybe my heart’s just too soft for it’s own good. I feel a little better writing it all out though. When I started writing this I was part convinced this was some kind of evidence that I’m like them but I think it’s just a case of too much sympathy maybe. Whatever it is it doesn’t mean I’m anything like them. this is just a big old vent it seems. My fault for watching a YouTube video that I knew would trigger me :/ hopefully my thoughts came across somehow. Dog-earring this for next therapy appointment I guess

I just feel like therapy isn’t working… like I get to talk about myself and understand myself… but I’m already incredibly self aware. My therapist thought I was like 5 years older than I am… and she gives me such basic strategies that do absolutely nothing for me. And a psychiatrist prescribed me with Zoloft… but I don’t know if T want to take medication. I’m scared of side effects… and I’m scared of getting better… I’m scared of letting my guard down. I know it will make me less cautious which makes me less likely to push myself to perfection like I currently do, which I can’t have happen. Every time I talk to my mom about it, she’s always like “Let’s talk about this some other time, I’m busy with other things”, and then never remembers. But in the rare moments we do talk about it, she treats it like I’m signing up to be a drug addict. I also feel very guilty for spending so much of my parents’ money- therapy… medication… etc… and also the idea of my being unlovable is so deeply engraved in my brain… I genuinely, truly believe it. No therapy or medication can fix it. I can’t change my mind. My therapist tells me my misophonia is not a “deal-breaker” and that someone would be lucky to have me as a partner… but then why hasn’t anyone ever liked me? My own FAMILY can’t stand me. How do I believe something I know isn’t true? That’s even harder to accept than me being unlovable. I can’t see someone loving me. And it is so incredibly exhausting to seek love,e I know I cannot have. My sister says, “It will get better with age…” It has only ever gotten worse. To the point I don’t want to get better. It has reached the severity where I feel more safe and successful with anxiety. My past 3 birthdays have been me wishing for therapy. And now I have therpay- and medication, the potential key… and I refuse? Am I too deep in? I cant get out, it’s too late. How did absolutely no one notice how much I had and have been hurting? Why did no one listen to my cries or worries? I feel really depressed and hopeless right now. It takes so much effort to get up every day… I’m so tired.

Lately I’ve seen way too many comments under posts about OCD, especially the harm, POCD, and relationship themes that are incredibly misinformed and honestly harmful. People saying things like “these thoughts are unnatural,”or “you need to go get real help” and encouraging confession ***compulsions*** when they clearly have no understanding of how OCD actually works. Let me be clear: OCD involves distressing and unwanted thoughts, images, or urges. That doesn’t make someone dangerous. It makes them someone with a mental illness who is terrified of their own brain. Saying these people are “unnatural” or implying they’re broken only reinforces shame, and shame is the opposite of what helps anyone heal. If you’re commenting under OCD-related posts on an OCD ***app*** without understanding what intrusive thoughts are, or what compulsions can look like, or **how OCD can attach itself to the things we fear most** then please, stop. You are not helping. You’re reinforcing stigma and pushing people further into silence. OCD is already isolating. We don’t need more people moralizing or projecting trauma theory onto something they haven’t experienced or don’t understand. If you really care, go learn. Read about intrusive thoughts. Learn about ERP therapy. Or maybe just listen. Because some of us are barely hanging on, and comments like those don’t just miss the point, they can do real damage. I’m sorry if I come off too angry, it just really upsets me to see people speak on something they clearly don’t understand. End of rant. Thank you for reading 🤍