Anyone else feel like the worst part of all this is “feeling” like you actually like this. In other words you’re afraid that certain thoughts or feelings are “proof”?

I literally just said this out loud to my sister. I hate how OCD manipulates anxiety into feelings of desire or something. Like my brain is compiling a list of everything I’ve ever thought and making a t chart labeled “gay” and “straight”. And then tries to figure out which one has more or which one makes me “feel” more. I hate it.

Yep yep yep!! That is classic black and white thinking too- @m.a.d. We get into such a cycle of believing “well if this isn’t this- THEN ITS THIS”. That is all wrong and one of biggest ways ocd captures all of us in its claws.

I stop them as fast as I can. The second I get the ‘drop in my stomach’ feeling (no matter how convincing) I stop for a second and say “This is one of them. The same thing.” It’s just as convincing as everyone on this app says it always is. You or I are not a special case. I stop them and then immediately turn directions. I acknowledge them with a slight wave ?? and then continue with whatever I was thinking about before. Not going down the path. Don’t even entertain it for a SECOND.

I really appreciate everything all of you have to say about this topic. I’ve had what I think is HOCD since I was very young but never diagnosed. In fact I was too scared to even tell a therapist and never went back. That being said my mind has all this “evidence” from my past but I or course don’t know if that was ocd thoughts or not. I am now in a great relationship with my bf and it terrifies me in really hard days bc when it’s really bad I think “ i have to let him go to be with a girl” or something along those lines. I fear I will follow through bc fighting gets so hard.

@gonzalmc I totally know what you mean by ‘evidence’ from the past.. it’s so hard because I can’t distinguish what I actually want and what my OCD wants, and which events and thoughts are OCD-related. I try so hard to live in the moment, but it’s difficult when I try and picture a future with a guy because my OCD brain can literally imagine anything and ANY feeling. But my logical self also knows that I’m attracted to guys.. Hopefully we’ll get through this because I agree, my brain is tired.

Yes! So debilitating. Who got to decide what “proof” was? Was there a general consensus on what we are all gonna deem “emotional proof” of anything? Lies. It’s all lies.

@userfriendly honestly i’m still learning after years of bad habits and compulsions, but the best thing has been just accepting that they are there. And accepting that I don’t have an answer or an explanation or a piece of paper that tells me exactly what my sexuality is. I also remind myself that nobody really does, and sexuality is confusing and weird but that’s just the way it is. And resisting compulsions and comparisons is also so important.

Have you guys ever had your OCD go into remission?

@leah Oh so hocd is pretty new to you then. Well you seem to be handling yourself very well. I’ve dealt with it for a while back in 2014 now again since March. Trying my best to “do the right thing” this time. I know I’m not gay. It’s just something I know. I just haaaattee the feelings that try to convince me otherwise.

@userfriendly I’ve been dealing with it for a long time as well, but unfortunately this period of it has been the longest running (because I was still unknowingly doing compulsions that kept it going). But there have definitely been periods where this theme (and even other themes) have lessened and haven’t bothered me. OCD still tried, but I was able to not give it the power.

I haven’t tried it yet. This app is so helpful because I can finally talk to other people who know exactly what it’s like. I really am hoping to connect with someone from here so we can push each other to continue on. And someone to vent to, etc!

@m.a.d. What I can tell you from experience is that when we have anxiety over something (being gay) our minds hyper focus on that thing. So that “feeling” that was probably just associated with you thinking about sex in general, is magnified 1000000x by the OCD. Learning to not be afraid of being gay (which is accepting that we could be—this doesn’t mean we are, this is just the best way to face the fear) takes the fuel out of the fire. Eventually, and I’m super confident you’ll get here someday, you’ll have a similar thought and feeling about a girl but not feel the same way at all. You’ll know the difference because the fear isn’t there to magnify it.

The problem with me is that I’ve tried to accept it and then I fear that the more I’m okay with it the more likely I will act on those thoughts/feelings. I start to visualize myself being with a girl and holding hands with a girl and all sorts of things. I also imagine myself telling people I’m gay and seeing how they react.

@gonzalmc it’s all part of the process. I’ve been there too. I’ve visualized going on a date with a good looking guy, and thinking to myself “I guess this isn’t that bad” then freaking the F out about it because I’d get that weird “feeling” that says this is what I want. But that’s what happens when you intentionally imagine “wanting” it. It’s going to feel real. But it’s probably not. But it’s important to remember that it’s just fear, not facts. OCD plays tricks on you.

@leah @m.a.d. How are you guys dealing with these feelings?

I’ve accepted that too! Sexuality is very confusing and very weird. And very not black and white. No ‘evidence’ we think we find ever means we have to STAMP a label onto our foreheads like ocd wants us to.

By remission do you mean get better? If so, yes! OCD ebbs and flows. That STILL doesn’t mean anything.

By remission I mean you reach a point where the symptoms have been gone for so long you realize that you’ve forgotten what it’s even like to have OCD? I’ve been at this point before. I really want to get back to this.

I’ve only really understood this was ocd for a couple of months. (Even though I’ve struggled with it as a child). My really bad patch of hocd started in February so I haven’t been able to “forget” what it’s felt like, but I’ve definitely had stretches of time where I was like holy cow I feel great.

It’s actually happened to me in small pockets! It just hit me so hard in February I can’t even remember a time it was this bad. But I definitely remember having obsessions about it in my past. They just weren’t as intense. And I didn’t know they were obsessions, they just didn’t make sense:/ thank you I’ve been trying my best. Understanding it (and everything else in my life) was ocd has definitely helped me target them the right way

Have you had success with a therapist?

Have either of you (or anybody reading) tried ACT Acceptance and Commitment Therapy? I just heard of it today.

I had one sessions where she went over what ERP would look like, but I really couldn’t afford any more sessions. I’ve been trying to do it by myself the best I can. It’s been really really hard but. I’m still trying. I won’t give it power either. I’ve heard about it and have actually been really excited to try it.