Does this mean I don’t like the thoughts?

I am experiencing unwanted thoughts repeatedly that arent causing physical anxiety but discomfort/unease and a pull/urgency to "figure things out/make sense of the thoughts." I am really trying not to engage in the thoughts but find it difficult since they come on rapid fire. Is it normal/can anyone relate to my description? Some of the thoughts are calling attention to the fact that I have had these doubts/thoughts for many years and that that must mean that they are true. The thoughts relate to whether I never really wanted to marry my partner and am living a life I actually dont want to live. I find it difficult to know what my actual thoughts/feelings are and what is persistent doubt - especially since I have experienced it for so long now and it keeps coming up - as if I am lying to myself. Another thought that I feel like I am struggling with is the regret of getting married because of the suffering/difficulties of the emotions/thoughts/feelings that have followed. Nothing to do with my partner though, but my own internal struggle. I have been struggling for a long time now how to enjoy my relationship in the midst of these thoughts and what they might mean. I guess when I feel anxiety it feels easier to identify the OCD flavor....I just imagined that it is the anxiety that gives the thoughts their power.

I wish I hadn’t have deliberately imagined the the thoughts to test myself. It feels like I’ve confused myself and now there’s no answers. I think while testing myself with these thoughts to see how I would react, I was hoping I would have a strong negative reaction to them with bad anxiety, which did happen but somehow I’ve confused myself into thinking the anxiety made the thought feel like an urge and my body went into fight or flight mode and now I’m thinking that reaction was me liking the feeling of doing that horrible thing in my thought. Now every time I have an intrusive thought and I get anxiety, I no longer feel like it’s anxiety and instead think it’s me desperate to do that because I l understood what it feels like and now I want to do that. Before i deliberately imagined the thoughts and got myself in this mess I would just brush all thoughts off as intrusive and felt okay but now I’ve got myself in this tangled mess of no answers, and it’s more scary than ever because I’m mistaking my own feelings. I feel so sick to the core that I’ve started believing that I like the feeling of doing that and this has all happened because of experimenting with the thoughts in my mind. I’m worried what if I’ve understood something I shouldn’t have and now I want to carry those evil things out but I’m not bad at the same time or the main thing that worries me. When it feels like an urge it feels like that’s about to happen and I keep thinking what if I’m desperate to do that and I’m the future I give in and it’s horrible, how did my life become like this.out of all the intrusive thoughts I’ve ever had this is the worst thing, I was saying it out loud to my dad for the first time yesterday ‘I imagined doing that to test myself and now It feels like I like the feeling of doing that’ and it just sounded so strange like what am I even saying what am I voicing out, what the hell is going on, how did my life get like this, I definitely must be confusing my feelings, I mean is that a thing? Can you have false feelings or can you confuse your feelings and feel like you like imagining something. I know that I don’t want to do that I hate it it’s disgusting but my anxiety and feelings are making me feel like I like imaging doing that and when I get an urge with an intrusive thought it feels like I would like the feeling of doing that, how can I like the feeling of doing something I have never done and that I am crying everyday about and is making me feel so terrible, I’m so confused, I mean people on here say ‘ocd tries to convince me I like the thoughts’ but idk if mine is ocd or me, because it feels like my feelings are making me convinced or that, what if it’s true? I feel so terrible. This problem all started because of this horrible documentary I watched but the man who done the evil things was living a normal life he was married and had kids and suddenly killed them and then I started worrying because why was he living a normal life then did that. I use to think the normal things I do mean that I’m not bad but now I’m thinking what if living a normal life you can still be bad 😞😞😞😞

I keep getting a shock feeling and shivers and feel intense over the thoughts but I’m still not convinced that I don’t like the thoughts and keep deliberately imagining the thoughts to see my reaction. I’ve been doing this since one time when I imagined the thought it felt like ‘I like the feeling of imagining doing that action’ like it felt as if when I imagining doing that horrible thing that I liked the feeling of squashing someone’s face with a pillow (the thoughts are about smothering) now I’m worried I like the feeling of suffocating someone and it’s just awful I don’t believe myself anymore I’ve been having so many crying episodes but I’m not convinced and keep bringing on the thoughts and now I’m genuinely believing that its possible I ‘like the feeling of doing that’ and I feel like I’m in hell, I don’t want to like the feeling of doing something horrible and I’m worried I get a good feeling from imagining doing that or that I would like the feeling of doing that and it’s driving me insane I’m so worried. Recently I keep getting a jittery feeling and anxious every time I have the thought but My head is convincing me that I’m some how ‘deliberately’ making myself anxious and I’m not actually anxious and I secretly like the thoughts and want to do that but for some reason I’m ‘pretending to be worried or anxious’ please can someone help I’ve been worrying for days I really don’t want to like the feeling of doing something horrible but I’m worried it’s true 😞😞 please help say if I’m getting some sick good feeling from imagining that and it’s really scary but I don’t know it it’s my fight or flight and I’m confused or whether because I’m imagining the thought in so much detail combined with the intense anxiety makes it feel like an ‘urge’ and then it’s somehow translated into ‘feels like I like the feeling’ I’m really worried I don’t know what to do please help