Does this mean I don’t like the thoughts?

Ironically. Becoming desensitized to my intrusive thoughts sometimes frightens me. The security of knowing I had such intense anxiety when I had violent/bad/scary intrusive thoughts comforted me because it made me realize I didn’t want them and found them bad. If I’m not reacting to them, I’ve convinced myself that I think it’s okay and maybe deep down I am a bad person? Does anyone else relate to this? My anxiety has felt better lately toward my intrusive thoughts as I am trying to give them no value (that and probably my lexapro lol) but is what I’m feeling normal at all or can anyone relate?

I keep getting a shock feeling and shivers and feel intense over the thoughts but I’m still not convinced that I don’t like the thoughts and keep deliberately imagining the thoughts to see my reaction. I’ve been doing this since one time when I imagined the thought it felt like ‘I like the feeling of imagining doing that action’ like it felt as if when I imagining doing that horrible thing that I liked the feeling of squashing someone’s face with a pillow (the thoughts are about smothering) now I’m worried I like the feeling of suffocating someone and it’s just awful I don’t believe myself anymore I’ve been having so many crying episodes but I’m not convinced and keep bringing on the thoughts and now I’m genuinely believing that its possible I ‘like the feeling of doing that’ and I feel like I’m in hell, I don’t want to like the feeling of doing something horrible and I’m worried I get a good feeling from imagining doing that or that I would like the feeling of doing that and it’s driving me insane I’m so worried. Recently I keep getting a jittery feeling and anxious every time I have the thought but My head is convincing me that I’m some how ‘deliberately’ making myself anxious and I’m not actually anxious and I secretly like the thoughts and want to do that but for some reason I’m ‘pretending to be worried or anxious’ please can someone help I’ve been worrying for days I really don’t want to like the feeling of doing something horrible but I’m worried it’s true 😞😞 please help say if I’m getting some sick good feeling from imagining that and it’s really scary but I don’t know it it’s my fight or flight and I’m confused or whether because I’m imagining the thought in so much detail combined with the intense anxiety makes it feel like an ‘urge’ and then it’s somehow translated into ‘feels like I like the feeling’ I’m really worried I don’t know what to do please help

Please reply, I know this can be seen as seeking reassurance but I think in some cases people need it and I am really suffering and am not in therapy or have ever been 😞 Is it possible with harm ocd that you can get use to the thought to the point you don’t get anxiety but the ‘urges’ can still be there? Or it feels like you ‘want’ to act on it or ‘like it’ or my head has literally convinced me that I like the feeling of doing that horrible thing and I get no anxiety when thinking about the thoughts (thoughts about smothering) and it’s stressing me out because I get no anxiety but it feels like I would suddenly lash out and do that and it’s because I ‘know how it feels to do that and enjoy/like the feeling of doing that/stopping someone from breathing with a pillow) I feel very upset and don’t know what to do, I’m carrying on with things but I’m constantly carrying this with me and I’m not stressing out over it every second of the day but I feel like I just don’t know what to do it feels so real and like it would actually happen and it’s ‘not the right circumstance for it to happen’ and Im just a mess and don’t know how I can live my life this way, believing this? It feels like it would happen or is inevitable and it would be because I like the feeling of smothering and it’s so horrible and I don’t know what to do I don’t even feel any bad feelings of anxiety or anything anymore but the other fake urges/feelings are there and it’s weird and I’m worried and don’t know how to deal with this