Order Issues

You know when you have weird thoughts about a coworker and because you have OCD these thoughts really stick and you panic and feel sick? Yeah that’s me and I’ve struggled with having intrusive thoughts about my coworker and now he just got in a relationship with my coworker and my intrusive thoughts are WORSE I thought they would be better? And initially they were because I was relieved that he couldn’t be weird with me now because he has a girlfriend. But this is the thought that i cannot get over- my OCD is like you’re jealous that he doesn’t like you and he’s not with you instead and i envy this girl he is with. Why the fuck am I having these thoughts while I’m in a healthy relationship and love my boyfriend to DEATH- like I know he is my forever. I couldn’t look at him today because I’ve been obsessing over this thought I’ve had in work and now I have to find a new job I hope no one will judge me for these thoughts or maybe someone has had this weird thought before? :(

I’m feeling kind of sad cause today was not a really good day in terms of my ocd. I was feeling kind of foggy/numb and that send me to spiraling. I’m 21 years old currently studying but my family has been having trouble with money for the last couple years(we’re just me and my mom) and I kinda want to get a job but everything is far from my home and I wouldn’t be able to return back at night, also it’s either way more expensive to move or the schedule wouldn’t let me take my classes. The point is that because of that every time my mom is stress tends to treat me bad, she speaks to me like I’m stupid or she just screams to nothing cursing all life and everything and that actually makes me feel soo bad and guilty for not doing anything, I know it’s hard for me to get a job that actually helps us without quitting school but that doesn’t stop me from feeling like I’m a burden. I want to help, I want to maybe hug her or something but I know she will be angrier and probably will reject it. So that’s it, I just feel like she punishes me for the stress she’s carrying and I get it but one day is happy and it feels like all love and the next is treating me like that, Idk it’s hard (also I feel like I shouldn’t be saying this cause it’s all my fault) 🫤

So, I know my capacity to get fixated on things. And it's normally something that's relatively remote but, my latest issue is really getting to me and I was wondering if people have any advice. I'm avoiding getting too into specifics, as I don't want this to get reassurance-y but, in essence.. I came to the realisation recently that people who I'd been "friends" (feels like the wrong term now) when I was younger were not very nice people, and normalized a lot of very unpleasant behaviour towards other members of the group. They really normalized it, sold themselves as figures of authority, as older and more responsible and grown-up than others, and looking back, they acted horribly. And coming to this realisation, that I'd been manipulated into just accepting their behaviour has just... broken me. My OCD has latched onto it and I can't stop feeling irreversibly tainted by it. I've talked to others about it, and they've reassured me, told me it's not a big deal and that I hold myself to too high a standard, but none of that sticks. I feel better for a bit, then think 'Maybe when you told them you were skewing it to make yourself look better' or 'Did you leave out a crucial detail'. I keep ruminating over and over, trying to remember exactly how everything played out, trying to figure out if I fed into the behaviour, if I did something bad myself (because y'know, I feel like I was accepting of it at the time, so what does it say about my own values?). I know I need to stop doing all this if I want to improve, but then some part of me keeps saying 'So, you're just going to let yourself off the hook then?' Normally, I can rationalize my own fears to some degree, assure myself something won't happen, but the realness of the situation, and the fact I only came to understand the reality of it because the thought had been bothering me means it feels so much more all-encompassing. I know confessing in itself is a compulsion, but I keep feeling that if I'm not I'm somehow concealing what I 'really am' from others around me, and any positive interactions are me deceiving them in some way. I feel like I can't enjoy anything in life right now, and a good part of me feels I should not enjoy it ever again. If anybody has any advice on it, I'm all ears. Or even hearing if you relate to these feelings, I might appreciate the solidarity at least.