My gene pools trash. Bipolar, ocd, anxiety, general depression, schizophrenia, a little cancer, manic depression pretty much you name it and it most likely runs in my immediate family. I have so many thoughts and have yet to pin point what’s wrong. So far I’ll I’ve gotten from my psychiatrist is anxiety and depression. I stopped therapy for a while and I have no one else to I guess tell this to so yeah.

I’ve never had an official diagnosis but I’m in a miserable place right now. I experience terrible anxiety (usually pass out whenever I have a panic attack) but what has been bothering me is this overwhelming sense of guilt. I keep ruminating over conversations and events, so much so that I feel ashamed of everything I’ve said or done. Moreover, every time I hear, watch or read something even remotely related to a less than positive experience in my life, I feel overcome with fear and tend to escape into this make-believe world where an idealized version of myself articulately clarifies whatever I’ve said or done. All this has reached a point where I feel racked with guilt even about the few things I might’ve achieved or the happy times I’ve had in the past: can’t help but think that the only reason I experienced them is because I had the comfort and opportunities to do so (I feel like I’ve robbed someone else of their chances because I haven’t earned any of this). I’ve started feeling like I lack a moral compass, and my thoughts are torturing me. Every time I overcome one intrusive thought, another come rushes in and so forth. It’s like I want to remain miserable. I posted it here because I’ve been trying to figure out what this isn’t and from whatever I’ve read so far, the symptoms seem most like ocd. I’m planning to go to a therapist soon but feel terrified about sharing all this!

✋ I’m a serial Job quitter. I have my consult call tomorrow. I don’t know why but I go through spells where I work about 3 months and then I call off , anxiety sets in, & I quit. I’m so sick of this cycle. The anxiety is through the roof! It’s no wonder my blood pressure is so high. I hate this. Everyone I love leaves me and I’m lonely. I know GOD is with me but I’m not going to lie. It’s hard to believe at this moment because of what my brain tells me to be true. My mom used to get mad at me when I was young she’d say… “we shoulda got a check for yo ass” It even became a joke when I got older cuz my parents claimed they were worried about me but was proud I was maintaining. Unbeknownst to them… depression was fully onset and my place was atrocious. Lived in a boarding house with the bed on the floor and mice in the ceilings. Room was always dirty. Shared a bathroom and that was never clean and my neighbors were on heroin. Met my wife and she saved me by moving me in with her but my symptoms kept getting worse and now I’m alone trying to figure this out. The only reason I won’t KILL MYSELF is because I want to prove everyone wrong about me but most days I feel they are right. I don’t know why I’m sharing this cuz I usually just help everyone else with their problems and give advice, but I DON’T WANT TO DIE, so this seems to be the right thing to do.

I didn't even realize. I'm about to get my period and my anxiety is higher. I'm noticing how my friend hasn't written back to my texts or hasn't answered the last 3 times I called. I think he doesn't want to be my friend anymore. I wrote a text and asked if I did something wrong and he didn't respond. My other friend annoyed me. And I think my other friend doesn't like me that much. I feel abandoned and forgotten and like I must be a bad friend or bad person or why would they all forget me like this. What did I do? Did I take my opinions too far? I've been picking at my skin, having a feeling of unrest. I just watch Netflix and lie on my couch to avoid it. I look okay, but I haven't worked in a year purposefully to find a new way, but I haven't found it yet. I'm doing so much, but it always feels like too little. I tell myself again and again that I'm doing enough, but there's always a voice that says no you're lazy, you're unhealthy and you're just making excuses. I hyperfixate on stupid solutions like blood tests, supplements, genetic testing to explain my symptoms my depression (or is it laziness) my anxiety, my lack of energy, my aches and pains. I quit all drugs and alcohol even caffeine. I track my sleep. I want to feel good. And believe it or not I was thinking I did feel good? Until the afternoon. I don't know. I really hope this is just some fucking b vitamin deficiency and I'll take some pills and be reborn as a human and not a trash pile. Look at me all perfect. With all my career, and my money, and friends who don't like me. Don't I look put together. I'm so imperfect and so scared of anyone finding out. I'm so scared to tell anyone how messed up I am on the inside. I rant to my therapist, my coaches, whoever but I'm just going around in circles. Without support I'd be fucking nuts. Thankfully I pay people to support me. Because no one would for free. Fuck my.life.