Feel like you want it and numb

Yes, from what I have seen this is pretty common. Chrissie Hodges has a great video on YouTube about this too

Me

You are welcome. Yeah. You go from emotional to numb because this is your safety valve. Emotional is just too much to cope with. So you come to the point where you freeze to protect your sanity. The wanting part is just another way to rationalize. You can't get rid of a thought, it is formed just like any other thought in your brain. That means you as a creator sort of feel you are every thoughts parent. And no matter what the child is like (an angel or a pure devil), parents will love their children. That way you kind of feel like you have at leat a tiny bit of control over it. It's not that you actually like it, it's more like trying subconsciously to be close to your enimy. I think. 😕🤔😊

That is difficult. I know it won't make a big difference to your coping with ocd, but let me try. It is actually good that you don't want to fight it anymore. At least according to ERP. Maybe at those moments, you might try just to sit with it, acknowledge it as present, but equal in importance to any other thought - all thoughts come and they go. Again and again. Try not to give it any power, importance. Make the intrusive thought equal to any of the gentle ones. When your mind says (just an example) :You are evil. =give it the same attention as when it says: broccoli stinks (I love broccoli by the way). Say OK, it is what it is. And that is OK. I am imaginative. My thoughts are colorful and they always just come and go. And then just think about sth else or do sth else. Remind yourself, that every person has weird thoughts about themselves every now and then. Yours are just more aggressive because you care and are insecure. It doesn't make you a sinner or potential criminal. You just care because you know yourself well enough to know that you are different than the thoughts are telling you you are. I went through a very tough time last summer. One evening after sth really bad happened and I couldn't stop crying, I decided to go for a walk. I went to the near-by church. I don't usually go there. The minister was performing the mass and talking about forgiveness. After everyone went home, I waited and asked the minister for advice. I told him my story, what had happened to me and asked how am I supposed to forgive someone like that for something like what they had done to me? He looked at me for a while in science. Then he said:"I honestly don't know. I wish I knew. To tell you the truth, I don't think I would be able to forgive if I were in your shoes. I wish I knew how to, but I am scared I would fail as well. Those people are just pure evil. I am as close to God as I am capable to be at the present time, and I teach people to forgive no matter what, but I am clueless in your case. He blessed me on the spot and performed a devine protection ceremony over me and invited me to come and talk to him anytime I feel like it. What is the point of me telling you that story? The man who has only 4 bosses: the regional, the state archbishop, the pope in Rome and God himself was confused and doubted in himself at that occasion. So it is human to doubt in yourself and your thoughts. The only difference is, that a person without ocd accepts a bad thought, thinks about it and let's it go, whereas a person with ocd acknowledgea the thought, freaks out, can't think about anything else and waists hours, days,... of their life on something other people feel too, but just let it go. You are not a bad person. Thoughts are just like film directors, they are creative, try this and that to make things interesting and not dull. Sometimes they just get too eccentric... I have no idea if any of this made any sense to you or anyone else. I am the one to talk!!! I have just finished rituals/compulsions because when I went to a shop today by bus, I heard a song playing on the bus that triggered my fears and obsessions. Instead of going in the shop and buy things, I just used the toilet to wash my hands, went back to the bus stop, took the first bus back home. I took 2 showers, cleaned all that was on me or that I had touched from when the obsession occurred till I took the first shower. I am disappointed at myself for not doing what I have just advised you to do. I know I should have done it, but am just not able to fight back by not fighting Please do as I say and not as I do. I hope you can make it through without giving in. I feel so depressed right now. Shouldn't compulsions make is feel better?! Hmmm. At least for a while. All the best.

What kind of thought. if I may ask?