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I know what you’re going through. The fact that you worry and ruminate on these things show that you are NOT a monster. Please be kinder to yourself :))

For one try not to be so hard on yourself. Our teenage years are full of mistakes, experimentation, finding ourselves, hormones going crazy, it's just a really crazy time in a humans life and in our brains. Not to mention our brains are not even fully developed yet. I believe I read the male brain does not fully mature until around age 25. Nothing you have mentioned is out of the "norm" for a teenager. Your OCD is what is making it seem so fearful. Your OCD is taking a normal part of life and twisting it into something shameful. Your OCD is telling you you're a bad person. It's not the event itself it's your OCD that is the problem. You mentioned getting help which is the first step to recovery. I say this all the time I've dealt with OCD for 30+ years and I'm still here living life. You will get better and there is light at the end of the tunnel. You are not a monster, you are someone that has OCD. I look back on my teenage years (20+ years ago) and cringe at the thought of some of the things I've done, but the mistakes make us who we are later in life. We learn, grow, evolve and hopefully not repeat the same mistakes from our adolescent years. Hope this helps. Wishing you the best. God bless.

Hi. I just want you to know that I have had the same exact experience and feelings of how my teenage years was. I hated it and I hated that porn impacted my life so negatively. You can get better and you do deserve to succeed in life. I'm still trying to find a therapist to open up to with all of this and you can too! You will not be judged for this. Not on here and not with the therapist. I feel bad that you and others had to go through this. You don't disgust me at all. You do deserve to have a chance to do what you want in your life and you shouldn't be defined by what was going on all those years ago. I'm sorry that you were exposed to that kind of stuff at a young age. All of that happened to me too and it still bothers me to this day in several different ways. You're definitely not alone on that. I've seen other people talk about the same thing on here and I've told them the same thing. Like OCDisHell said, This is something that happens to other people but your OCD is making you feel so much worse about it. Back then, when this happened to me, I didn't think so hard about it every single day like I do now. You sound like a good person that's unfortunately struggling with OCD and these bad memories of something that you didn't have full awareness or experience with. Please forgive yourself. I hope that you can get the help you deserve for OCD and for your happiness.

I understand this all to well! But also remember that your feelings are egodystonic and that’s the negative emotion towards these intrusive thoughts.