Vent

I’m so terrified because when I was a teenager I used to have a embarrassing and weird tickling fetish. No idea where it came from but it started around age 15 to maybe 19. I don’t have it anymore and I absolutely regret it 100% because of “self time” being involved. The fetish was the only thing I ever was part of mentally I never ever had any other intentions. Never. I used to go on ifunny and that’s where I would find artwork I guess related to the fetish. I stopped going to ifunny and around age 19 or something I went back and I remember the people in the artwork or whatnot would come across as being younger and I would skip them and try to find more “appropriate” I guess I don’t even know how to explain this but I know it’s something other people may have struggled with as well and I hold a lot of regret and shame even though I had literally no bad intentions whatsoever it was for a stupid fetish but the ocd has attached to it for many years now and it scares me to death what it tries to convince me is real when I pray to God it is not. I feel so terrible for that time I went back to ifunny but I remember I got uncomfortable and got rid of the app. I never had bad intentions and I know that for sure. I just feel so incredibly horrible all time time about what I didn’t know when I was younger and I should have. Not long after everything I developed ocd and the worst theme I’ve ever dealt with is POCD and also real event too. My self esteem is shot. There’s nothing that makes me feel alive anymore because I absolutely cannot stand myself. I’ve wanted to give up countless times. I have so much fear all the time. I’m going on vacation this weekend with my family and I feel like I don’t deserve to go or have fun. My birthday is next weekend and it’s just another day for me and I tell people not to get me anything because I feel as I don’t deserve it or anything joyful or happy. I don’t know what to do. This is embarrassing to talk about but it’s what I’m dealing with and I hate it with a passion of how stupid I was when I was younger. I’m almost 24. I can’t even move on with my life because I feel like I don’t deserve to 💔

I got into porn around 14 or 15 I can’t remember, and I came across something really bad on accident. I don’t know if I knew how bad it was. It was literally on instagram. I have no idea why or how that was on there. But I ended up looking it up when I was 16 again and I touched myself to it. I am appalled and ashamed. I don’t know why I did it and I can’t get over the fact that I did. What was I thinking? I don’t understand how I could have done that and it doesn’t even feel like me because I can’t Imagine doing that now. But that doesn’t change the fact that I did. I just want help. Im scared to get help, I feel like I deserve to go to jail. I just want to get help and be a good person. I don’t want to do harm. I genuinely just want help. Im scared but I refuse to feel like I’m getting away with something awful so I want to tell a professional. It’s eating me alive. I can’t sleep or do anything without thinking about it. It runs my life. I can’t live with it and I can’t live this way feeling like a monster. I feel like I’m going to end myself one day. I feel like I’m lying about who I am to my family and I don’t want anyone to do anything nice for me. They think I’m a good person and I’m not. I wish I was. I feel like I’ve ruined myself and betrayed everyone. I feel so guilty and I feel sad. I don’t want to think about what my family would think. I feel like a lost cause.

This is all probably tmi, but I’m struggling quite a bit so please bear with me. I recently cut back/quit watching mainstream porn, but the other day I was searching for a certain scene from the movie “X” to use as a… replacement. (Mia Goth is one of my biggest celebrity crushes, and I was just trying to explore alternatives to traditional porn 🤦‍♀️) While looking for this, I stumbled upon an explicit scene of hers from the movie “Nymphomaniac” that I used instead. I’ve never seen this movie, so I was incredibly disgusted when I found out afterward that she was 18/19 when filming this movie and that her character in the movie is SUPPOSED TO BE 15. I’m 24, so needless to say, I was a bit horrified. I had no idea she was so young in this (or that the character she played was underage), and I feel sick that I used this to pleasure myself. None of this crossed my mind beforehand considering it was a pretty explicit scene in a mainstream film. I assumed she was around my age. Even though she was technically an adult while filming this, she was still far to young for me personally and I feel deeply ashamed. This event has triggered memories from the ages 18-22 (I worry even 23) where I would search the “teen” category (18-19) on porn websites. I feel disgusting for looking at this stuff once I got out of my teen years, and even though I stopped, I feel dirty and predatory for doing this in my early 20s. Before I took a hiatus from watching this content this year, I would only watch things where I could tell the actors were my age or older. But the past is haunting me. And I just feel so gross. I should have stuck with the scene from the movie I was searching for (because she was 28/29 in that and I KNEW that), or I shouldn’t have watched anything at all. Hell, typing this out is starting to make me obsess over whether I’m disgusting or not for doing this to something that wasn’t really intended to be “porn”. I feel like I’ve violated this actress by using this film for something it wasn’t really intended for. I know I should quit all of this entirely, but my medication makes it incredibly difficult to “perform”, and imagination alone just doesn’t work for me. I’m just so frustrated and everything I do makes me hate myself more. I’m sorry for the graphic nature of this post. I was just wondering if anyone could relate or give me some advice.