I hate myself for this

help please. Was watching porn and masturbating. Looked up a specific physical attribute that reminded me of my ex, curly hair and watched one. I masturbated to it then all of a sudden thoughts started to attack me like what if this was actually her. Then out of nowhere i thought what if this was her and her brother. Then now its just bothering me to confess to her. We talk sometimes and i really dont want to cause whats the point we r over and thats just fucked up But i feel more bad bc even having that thought and it made me :/ i still continued to masturbate bc i didnt feel satisfied enougj, i mean obviously not to the thought of her and her brother cause thats weird but i was masturbating while that thought was in my head and it feels wrong and makes me feel guilt or icky.

POCD 18+ I don’t think I can ever forgive myself for the past m/o to loli hentai and other explicit fanfics with young cartoon characters occasionally when I was 16-18. I stopped two years ago, and I’m 19 now but I’m getting intrusive memories of doing it and I immensely regret it. I hate myself forever. And you people should hate me too. I’m worthless. I’m a disgusting creature who deserves nothing but the upmost anger and disgust from you all... god help me...

I have this crush on this girl, 2 years older than me. She's beautiful and whenever I just see her smiling at my jokes I feel happy. But now it will be all come to an end. One hour ago I remembered that she had a little brother and thought to myself "it would be unforgivable if I had an intrusive disgusting thought about her brother" Since I had that thought I started having disgusting thoughts and images about it... they were vivid but I assure you they were disgusting and repulsive enough. I'm trying to stop the thoughts from happening and becoming worse and more repulsive than they already are, but they keep coming. To make matters worse, other triggering images from the past that haunted me are returning, trying associate to this event, like disturbing se&ual images of a specific private part that disturbs me a lot, very graphic... I don't know if I can even write it. Also when I opened instagram to occupy my mind, while i was scrolling the reels I came across a scene of a movie which had herotic women and I was turned on. And the fact that I was turned on, was an additional slice on my skin, because it feels like an association with the previous intrusive thoughts, that it was a consequence of those thoughts. Now I will have to avoid her... how can I look at her knowing that I made his brother an object of my pocd? She was someone pure, like a beacon of light for me, an innocent crush that lived outside ocd that could let me live the life of a normal teenager. Now even that is gone. I can't forgive myself for what I did. But maybe is better this way because she won't be near a monster. Also how delusional I am to even hope to have a "relationship" with her. She would be horrified of this post. This post is definitively a compulsion. And I hate how her and his brother are mentioned together with disgusting and degenerated things. I'm truly sick in the head. I don't deserve compassion or understanding.