Im scared

I know I keep talking about This but I’m too tired :( I’m really struggling and I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like I might be the only person who experiences this in the way I do. It’s gotten so bad that during intimacy or self-pleasure, I feel like I’m acting on a thought — like my body is moving because of it. It’s terrifying and deeply hurtful. The moment it happens, I immediately panic, try to rewind everything in my head, and ruminate to figure out what I was thinking at that exact second… but I can never remember. That makes it even worse. feel so lost and hopeless, like I’ll never be able to heal or move on from this. People tell me “it’s just OCD,” but it doesn’t feel like OCD to me. It feels like I’m the exception — like no one else truly experiences it like this, especially the part where it feels like I physically responded to a thought. I know people say “others go through this too,” but my mind keeps saying, “not like this, not this specific thing.”Sometimes I just wish I could go back and relive those moments so I could be sure what happened, but I know that’s not possible. I feel so stuck in guilt and doubt that I don’t even know who I am anymore. I’m scared I’m a bad person and that I’ll always feel this way. I’ll never be free or be the same again everyday I live with deep depression

The things my brain convinces me of are so horrible idk how im going to get through this this time. I feel like I tell my self all the obsessions this episode u don’t even know or you definitely didn’t do but then I just start ruminating on simply the idea of them existing for me to worry abt being enough to keep me in the episode and I can’t even remember them all which doesn’t make sense how I would just forget but ocd makes it make sense yk. Sometimes they feel so real and there is nothing I can do to know and I just want to be happy so bad ik my core values and how I actually feel but it’s just a dark lonely terrifying cloud raining on me all day and night long.

Why is it actually so hard to not do compulsions ive literally not done it for a few hours but then I kept having more and more intrusive thoughts feelings sensations all that stuff that just make it so real where you start feeling like do I like this and why are the thoughts so specific and you can’t stop ur mind from doing what it’s doing, so I gave into compulsions I’m mad at myself I was doing so well but I’m just so scared of what these thoughts/sensations mean about me because when it actually feels like real like yeah that feeling feels like the truth about how I feel about this thought or this thought must be something I actually like,HOW ON EARTH AM I NOT GONNA WANAN DO A COMPULSION AND THEN WHEN I START I CANT STOP MY MIND IS RACING TRYAN DO ALL THE COMPULSIONS. Then my brain slows down and I’m like hey but u still haven’t figured out this part of the thought that could be real,by this time I don’t even really remember. I’m trying my best I really really am what am I doing wrong I need help Also my therapist has been away she’s back this week