Is this a life worth living?

So to give the whole run down of my story I had been on effexor for almost ayear at 37.5 mg. I thought I didn't need it anymore because I was feeling better. Well then I started feeling really anxious and worried. I was to embarrassed to admit to my doctor that I had stopped my medication and threw it out so far a short week and a half I started smoking a dab pen. (Sigh I hate myself still) I had a really intense panic attack and during this panic attack looked up different things about pot. Of course weed psychosis poped up and I started feeling more anxious. Well I slept this off and felt fine for a few days and haven't smoked since. Around day three me and my husband were watching scream 2. All of the sudden I started having intrusive thoughts about stabbing him. I had no idea what was going on with me and I was convinced this was me developing schizophrenia or going through psychosis. (I was and still am really ignorant about the mental illness I will admit but more on that later) I called my mom I was so scared that I was gonna hurt my husband and wanted to go to the hospital. She was scared about me going to the hospital so she convinced me to come to her house instead. At this point I decided I would start my medication again. Three days later and nothing had gotten better so I finally convinced my husband and mom to let me go to the er. They admitted me to their bh floor and the next morning I was talked to by their best psychiatrist who explained to me that what I was dealing with was OCD. He increased my effexor to 75mg and sent me home. I still struggled for about two weeks with this theme and even became very depressed about it. How could I feel that way about my husband ? But I also I felt guilty as I felt as if I had triggered this mental illness to develop in me. Anyway. Then once that intrusive thought stopped bothering me I started to get fixated on psychosis and schizophrenia. I would research for hours and hours on end (not in the greatest of places mainly tik tok and reddit😑) and I came across this girl on tiktok saying she was in a psych hospital because she believed the world was a simulation. It scared me I started questioning my own belief in reality to because of this. Could everything be a simulation?  Was reality real or perceived?  It freaked me out so much I felt TW suicidal and again went to the er. Well same thing they kept me just over night said hey guess what this is your ocd and you need to give your meds more time to work also your pregnant. Which is one of the only positive things in my life right now. They sent me home and things got better until my anxiety over all of this became so unbearable I started to experience derealization. I was referred by my psychiatrist (who wasn't really good) to a IOP program. There I was prescribed a increase in effexor, trazadone, and buspar all after talking to someone for 20 min. Needles to say between that and hormones I was not feeling great. Increased derealization/throwing up everything I put in my body which resulted in er trips to get iv fluids because I would be severely dehydrated/ blurred vision/ out burst of anxiety that would then turn to frustration and anger. I told the psychiatrist that and she swore I would not go through withdrawal and took me off of everything cutting me down back to my 37.5 mg of effexor. I went through extreme withdrawal which Increased my throwing up and anxiety which then increased the derealization. In this time I became desperate worried once again I was going through psychosis or schizophrenia. So I started researching symptoms and taking test online and again watching videos. I learned about citards delusion and began to go in my head "I'm dead" "I've felt this way before" even though I hadn't until reading it. My original psychiatrist then said "you aren't suffering from psychosis or schizophrenia because you are to aware and this only happened after you read about it" eventually I made it through and became just depressed. My depression had been so bad I didn't even feel like showering so I started to look up if this is normal and of course anehdonia came up which is a symptom of schizophrenia(as well as depression which I do have mdd without psychotic features) I became convinced again. This was it. I was developing schizophrenia and I wasn't gonna be able to live a normal life (ignorant) I wouldn't be able to be a good mom (bigoted) and my husband and family would no longer love me (wtf). My psychiatrist in attempt to make me understand told me that anehdonia is much different in schizophrenia then depression and that I again wasn't suffering from schizophrenia. He even told me about a patient who had schizophrenia that he seen that couldn't recognize her husband. This sat with me and not in a good way. My intrusive thoughts then became "That's not your husband" while looking at my husband. Which of course would make me anxious. Why was I thinking this ? Did I honestly believe it or not? I wasn't trying to get away from him. I still felt comfortable around him but my brain was trying to convince me otherwise. Sometimes I could rationalize that of course I didn't beleive it and here is why. But others I would get so anxious because of that thought that I would wonder if I did beleive it. This caused me to become very depressed. My psychiatrist was at the end of his rope with me (his words not mine) and decided to prescribed me seroquel in adjunctive with my effexor. He started it only at 12.5 mg to help with my "untreable depression" ( I would also like to note I have tried lexapro and it made me a bitch and I have tried Prozac but it made me more suicidal.) Now of course with my fear being schizophrenia I was triggered by being prescribed a anti psychotic. But I was told this is actually a common practice during pregnancy (found out later there were plenty more ssri we could have tried that were safer during pregnancy and his main reason for perscibing the seroquel was "pregnancy safety") well ther seroquel made me a zombie for a few days. Sure I wasn't over thinking anymore but I also felt like all I wanted to do was sleep and nothing else. Then after the "adjustment period" I started right back on this "that's not your husband" bs and felt suicidal more then I ever had. I even had a plan this time (I know some of yall are probably gonna judge due to me being pregnant and trust me I feel the same way about my self :(  anyway I told my husband and he was reluctant but eventually gave in to taking me to the er. But this time I was actually admitted for a week. They uped the seroquel to 25 mg and the same process started over I felt like a zombie and then the thought started again. My husband visited me everyday. I wanted to be better and go home but also wanted these thoughts to stop as they scared me even more convincing me that I was schizophrenic and that I would lose my life and become unfunctional (bigoted I know) but not one not two but three psychiatrist assured me again this was my OCD. I was released and was still having thoughts and intense anxiety and passing suicidal thoughts. 🙃 my at home psychiatrist AGAIN assured me it wasn't schizophrenia but my dumb brain would let it go so I started to research my symptoms as he increased the seroquel to 37.5. Once again a zombie and then bam worse anxiety. I found a word to "fit" my "symptoms" to the convince myself that I was indeed schizophrenic (even though I have been told now by SIX. yep SIX psychiatrist that I am not) capgras was the word and man have a ran with it. I started messaging my doctor every day asking if I was delusional for having these thoughts or feelings. He assured me every single time that I was because I was to aware and I didn't come up with this thinking on my own and that I also wasn't trying to get away with my husband and the way I presented proved other wise. (I will give him this he was patient) I asked about zoloft as it is safer during pregnancy and is better for OCD (based off of research I did) and also explained how bad the seroquel made me feel. He denied my request and increased the seroquel once again to 50 mg. This time I had no zombie period just increased anxiety around this "that's not your husband" thought. Again reality testing in check unless I was super anxious. I begged him that my anxiety was becoming unbearable and he recommended because he didn't want to xhabge my medication just to go back to the hospital. My therapist disagreed with him and told me not to because they don't take people just for anxiety/ocd/ and medication management it's for crisis only. So I got rid of him and am now in the process of getting a new psychiatrist. My therapist who has also told me it's not schizophrenia but just really severe OCD that we would start erp therapy starting with breaking my compulsions of resurance seeking and looking things up. I still have the (if you will) fake delusional thought process about my husband but it is slowly decreasing (I hope) but my fear about schizophrenia and not being functional or losing my baby or  husband or becoming dangerous and forgetting loved ones counties. Again I know this comes from limited and terribly bigoted ideas of the illness. I'm posting this to see if anyone has went through anything similar so I know I'm not alone. As well as to learn more about schizophrenia so I am no longer ignorant to it (and possibly can decrease my fear) also I'm nervous to talk to a new psychiatrist as I always am because what if they find something the other 6 professionals haven't? (Dumb right) anyway if you read all of that thank you. wasn't trying to get away from him. I still felt comfortable around him but my brain was trying to convince me otherwise. Sometimes I could rationalize that of course I didn't beleive it and here is why. But others I would get so anxious because of that thought that I would wonder if I did beleive it. This caused me to become very depressed. My psychiatrist was at the end of his rope with me (his words not mine) and decided to prescribed me seroquel in adjunctive with my effexor. He started it only at 12.5 mg to help with my "untreable depression" ( I would also like to note I have tried lexapro and it made me a bitch and I have tried Prozac but it made me more suicidal.) Now of course with my fear being schizophrenia I was triggered by being prescribed a anti psychotic. But I was told this is actually a common practice during pregnancy (found out later there were plenty more ssri we could have tried that were safer during pregnancy and his main reason for perscibing the seroquel was "pregnancy safety") well ther seroquel made me a zombie for a few days. Sure I wasn't over thinking anymore but I also felt like all I wanted to do was sleep and nothing else. Then after the "adjustment period" I started right back on this "that's not your husband" bs and felt suicidal more then I ever had. I even had a plan this time (I know some of yall are probably gonna judge due to me being pregnant and trust me I feel the same way about my self :(  anyway I told my husband and he was reluctant but eventually gave in to taking me to the er. But this time I was actually admitted for a week. They uped the seroquel to 25 mg and the same process started over I felt like a zombie and then the thought started again. My husband visited me everyday. I wanted to be better and go home but also wanted these thoughts to stop as they scared me even more convincing me that I was schizophrenic and that I would lose my life and become unfunctional (bigoted I know) but not one not two but three psychiatrist assured me again this was my OCD. I was released and was still having thoughts and intense anxiety and passing suicidal thoughts. 🙃 my at home psychiatrist AGAIN assured me it wasn't schizophrenia but my dumb brain would let it go so I started to research my symptoms as he increased the seroquel to 37.5. Once again a zombie and then bam worse anxiety. I found a word to "fit" my "symptoms" to the convince myself that I was indeed schizophrenic (even though I have been told now by SIX. yep SIX psychiatrist that I am not) capgras was the word and man have a ran with it. I started messaging my doctor every day asking if I was delusional for having these thoughts or feelings. He assured me every single time that I was because I was to aware and I didn't come up with this thinking on my own and that I also wasn't trying to get away with my husband and the way I presented proved other wise. (I will give him this he was patient) I asked about zoloft as it is safer during pregnancy and is better for OCD (based off of research I did) and also explained how bad the seroquel made me feel. He denied my request and increased the seroquel once again to 50 mg. This time I had no zombie period just increased anxiety around this "that's not your husband" thought. Again reality testing in check unless I was super anxious. I begged him that my anxiety was becoming unbearable and he recommended because he didn't want to xhabge my medication just to go back to the hospital. My therapist disagreed with him and told me not to because they don't take people just for anxiety/ocd/ and medication management it's for crisis only. So I got rid of him and am now in the process of getting a new psychiatrist. My therapist who has also told me it's not schizophrenia but just really severe OCD that we would start erp therapy starting with breaking my compulsions of resurance seeking and looking things up. I still have the (if you will) fake delusional thought process about my husband but it is slowly decreasing (I hope) but my fear about schizophrenia and not being functional or losing my baby or  husband or becoming dangerous and forgetting loved ones counties. Again I know this comes from limited and terribly bigoted ideas of the illness. I'm posting this to see if anyone has went through anything similar so I know I'm not alone. As well as to learn more about schizophrenia so I am no longer ignorant to it (and possibly can decrease my fear) also I'm nervous to talk to a new psychiatrist as I always am because what if they find something the other 6 professionals haven't? (Dumb right) anyway if you read all of that thank you. /l

On Satuday afternoon, I noticed bruises all over my legs and a weak feeling and although I was obsessing that I was going to die, I still went to the hospital. When they checked my blood, they found out that my platelets were very low. (Platelets are in charge of blood clotting and also its one of the three things made in bone marrow with White Blood Cells and Red Blood Cells being the other two). Luckily RBC and WBC count were of normal range. After staying for two days and being on edge the whole time thinking I was going to hear I was going to die, I was released (since they saw my platelets were going up and the rest of lab results were good except some things relating to iron). I still have a follow up appointment with the Hematologist to discuss the results and I am terrified. I have gotten all sorts of reassurances from two doctors, nurses, my mother in law who is a nurse, and literally everyone else but I am having this dreadful feeling that this is a sign I am going to die that my time is up. The most likely scenario I think was that my platelets went down with a combination of vitamin deficiencies (iron) and another combination like infection. But I went to the hospital the next day after my release because I felt weak again and panicking and they did my blood work and everything came up good (Finding out my platelets are continuing to go up). However, my OCD says if I think I am ok then it is not going to be ok so I need to be stuck in this loop of torture. Like what if I have something and I will never find out, what if I have something and find it too late? I have been crying non stop since Saturday evening, my head feels like a bowling ball which makes me think "oh maybe its a brain tumor." I google low platelets and one of the things of the list is Leukemia which I was already tested for Leukocytes and it was normal range but that was not enough because I googled nonstop and it said that they also do a bone marrow test to see for sure Leukemia and that freaked me out because I did not do that test. Then my thoughts changed to "my lymph node is swollen and now I have Lymphatic cancer" and it causes me to touch all parts of my body (even though I was tested for Lymphocytes on blood test and it was fine but again continued googling). Because of the bruising, I have trauma and I can't look at my own skin. I am afraid something new might come up. Now, its "oh I have a brain tumor because I am not feeling like myself, sometimes I stumble on my words, and my head feels congested and pressured. In fact ever since I had COVID, my head congestion never really went away so thats a sign. Actually anyone else has that? I remember my mom told me once that I was given an MRI when I was 8ish 9 for something in my brain and she said I had something and God healed it. Now, I am freaking out and thinking "this is it" I feel weak because I had it this whole time and it has grown and I am going to die. My mom - who has a chronic and untreated paranoid schizophrenia, would always tells me growing up that God was going to kill me and I was going to die young. I have been having panic attacks, crying almost every 30 minutes since Saturday, my head is more congested than ever. This past month was the hardest month of my life. Two of my loved ones passed away. I had a scare with my daughter because two weeks ago, my daughter had a fever that came and went away and then a day later it went back and I freaked out, had a panic attack and took her to the only hospital in the middle of the night and thinking she was going to die, turns out she had an ear infection. A day later I had ear pain and I went to the doctor but they didn't find an infection and that freaked me out. Ear still hurts now from time to time but not as frequent. And now I am obsesssing and saying "well I was right about going in on Saturday for my bruises, what makes this time not be right for me to have cancer or something deadly" or "my mom was right, I am going to die young and I will never see my daughter grow or grow old with my husband - that is the most terrifying part. To make matters worse two weeks ago, I changed my prescription from 75mg - 50mg, and now two weeks later (because I had extreme mom guilt on breastfeeding Kaia while taking medication). And the nurse practicioner told me that he doesn't usually do babies because most of the people he treats are older people and because moms choose to not take medication because they don't want to harm their babies. I feel like I am going insane. I have been shaking, losing hunger, not eating, having panic attacks almost hourly, lost 10+ pounds in a matter of four weeks (which I never know whether it is me about to die or a combination of chronic anxiety and OCD or all of it together). I am scared, I am in a constant state of over analyzing on what goes on inside my body. Every little discomfort, pain, itch, or anything else, I am googling and thinking this is my time. I am scared of eating because I am afraid of throwing up and that it is a sign that I am going to die. I am scared of sleeping because what if I never wake up again. If you took the time of your day to read this - I know it was long - but thank you, seriously thank you.

I feel like I have reached rock bottom. In March of this year, I started having crawler sensation on my legs (you know the feeling of cramps or ants after crossing your legs for a long time? That feeling except I wouldn't have my legs crossed and it seemed like I would get it for no reason) and it would be one leg and then be the other (switch). Then I was having muscle twitches on my feet, legs, hands, just throughout my body, and even my tongue. Muscle contractions, and weakness at times even up to this point. I get shaky, especially in the mornings, and my heart beats so fast when I get up or do any sort of minor exercise or walk. I went to a Neurologist back in May of this year, after having gone to so many specialists from August 2022 - April 2023 (bc I went on a doctor visit spree after I was hospitalized for low platelets last year August). They had determined the low platelets were due to a viral infection that attacked them after doing all sorts of blood work and even an ANA test that checks for autoimmune disorders (which all came back clear). However, before I had a visit with a Blood doctor (the visit was a week after I was released from hospital) to clear me of cancer, I was constantly having panic attacks, every day by the minute it seemed, thinking I might die. Fast forward to now, my neurologist did a physical examination and had me get a brain and cervical MRI (done in late June) which all came back clear and he told me I don't have ALS but I still am feeling this sense of doom. I read on Google that 40 percent of ALS patients do not get diagnosed until 9-12 months into their symptoms or get diagnosed for something else and since I went to a neurologist 2 months into my symptoms, I started to break. I break down my hardest when I think about my daughter who is 2 and the baby I am currently carrying and how I do not want to leave them without a mother. I don't know what I would do if I had ALS, it would definitely be the end of my world and I don't think I could survive a day with it if I knew I had it. Last night, as I lay in bed, there would be moments where it felt like my throat closed and my tongue went into my throat, I was shaking everywhere, even my tongue, my heart was beating faster than I ever felt it, and I was feeling weak and whenever I felt a glimpse of falling asleep I would jolt back up. I cried so uncontrollably and so hard. Throughout yesterday though, I had been checking on my swallowing by purposely doing it, and on a few occasions, I had trouble doing so and freaked out. I have a horrible feeling of swallowing now that it is hard for me to even eat. My husband and everybody else have sworn on everything that I do not have it and even the neurologist told me I don't have it and that it's so rare and he diagnoses it like once every 5 years. Despite that, nothing can convince me. Today, my husband says last night, was a panic attack but I keep thinking it is something greater. It has come to the point where I don't know if it is OCD, ANXIETY, or Reality that it might be another illness that's terminal. How do I cope with this, how do I move forward without having a panic attack every second of the day? I have not felt this lost and this urge to have to say goodbye to the people I love (it feels like I have to). How do I not think about my daughter and cry everytime I think I would leave her behind?