Wake up

So my harm ocd is really bad. I have a mix between hit and run ocd and being hyperaware of everything so I don’t hurt anyone or so they don’t accuse me of something. I can’t even enjoy vacation anymore. As of recently, my harm ocd is related to using the public bathroom. Everytime I leave an area or pass someone, I usually look behind me to make sure all is ok. Same with driving. Well lately when I use the public bathroom, I get anxious if another person doesn’t come out after me (they’re in another stall) and I can’t check that they are ok. I know this sounds really irrational but I wonder if it’s because with everything else, I can check but with this situation it doesn’t feel complete because I can’t really check unless I wait til they’re done and come out. Also if I don’t check, my thoughts have been running wild, like what if they were hurt in there and I just walked out? Etc. I also get scared like what if I hurt someone and didn’t realize it? I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel so tired and upset over this, can anyone relate or offer any advice?

Everything feels so real. I think learning about non-offending pedophiles has really screwed with me. I feel like I’m not even doing compulsions anymore like I genuinely cannot remember if I do them or not and the groinal responses are messing with me. I keep having intrusive dreams and I’m in that half asleep state and I feel nothing after that or I feel weird like a good weird, I don’t know. It’s a really weird feeling when I get those thoughts but I don’t like them, I don’t think. All I know is, I keep seeking reassurance and I feel like I don’t have OCD because the way I feel, like the way I get worked up isn’t the same as others. Whenever I try to watch a show, like 9-1-1 or daily dose of sunshine, I feel like I’m watching something I shouldn’t be. Or if I’m just on my phone, I feel like something is going to happen. I feel red flags whenever I’m on my phone, like somehow cp will appear. I know that OCD is the doubting disorder but my god, this is just crazy. I feel like I’m going crazy. Everything is just nonstop, it’s so constant and I’m genuinely scared that I’ll do something when I get out of my room. I don’t know anymore, this whole OCD thing is just making me lose my mind.

I’ve been feeling really really depressed the past few days due to health concerns. I’ve been really feeling down like not wanting to be here anymore and it’s scaring me. I was in the doctor’s office this morning and I got a scary thought that said maybe I should just k*ll someone in here instead of k*lling myself. Then the thoughts continued… this man walked past and I thought “hurt him” I obviously wouldn’t want to hurt anyone let alone a bug on the sidewalk, but the thoughts began to overtake me and I had a panic attack. It’s still bothering me and I’m still scared it’s real and that I’m going crazy. This happens to me a lot after I watch a documentary about someone who hurt someone else. I begin to think I am somehow going to go crazy like the person in the documentary and hurt someone. Although I don’t want to .. I would never ever want to hurt anyone.