I didn’t realise this before but I do now. I’ve been emotionally abusive to my boyfriend and I feel physically sick about it. I can’t forgive myself I just can’t. I’ve never felt this low.

Forgive yourself for the mistakes you have made! I know you must feel guilty and shitty, but there will be no good change that comes out of punishing yourself. Positive reinforcements matter. This is an opportunity to grow! It’s all about who you want to be NOW - you can’t change who you were then. We’re all on a journey, learning and understanding as we go along. You are self aware, and that’s good. You reflect. Buuuut try to do so without being mean to yourself in the process. I get it. I do the same thing. I think I DESERVE to put myself down, because if I’m nice to myself, I ‘don’t care enough’ about my past actions or mean traits. But fighting hate with hate won’t make me a better, happier, kinder person. And it won’t do so for you either. So forgive yourself, and move forward. I believe in you! ?

well do you have real proof/evidence for this claim... it sounds similar to when I spiraled real down with my ocd and I practically convinced myself that I wasn‘t in love with my boyfriend anymore... what my therapist likes to say is this little analogy... what do you do when you’re walking down the street and there is a little stone in your shoe, it bothers you and hurts, do you think the stone is real? yes obviously... what if you walking down the street and you think about having a stone in your shoe and think about how much it will hurt, suddently it really does feel like there might be something in your shoe maybe you even start to feel a little pain because of it...does this (your thoughts) make the stone real? no it‘s just a thought! still you feel some emotions senations hurt and those sensations feel real but still there is no stone... the stone represents facts... so is there really proof/real facts that you emotionally abused your boyfriend or is it just a thought of yours made up by your ocd? are there hard and solid facts that abusive behavior on your side happened?

I love you all so much :’). Honestly it’s really reassuring to know I’m not a terrible person but I’ve just made some terrible mistakes and I need to learn and grow and be the best version of myself.

^^ well said!

Unfortunately pain breeds pain. We record how others treat us and do the same. I'm guilty of it myself and it's AWWFULL. Yeah, making changes, day by day is the best we can do really. We just gotta break the cycle. So many people don't and go in hurting others. At least you're waking up out the cycle. I recommend watching Tara Brach's videos - especially one titled 'learning to respond not react' .

do you have any real proof for this?

What do you mean @chichi

Yeah unfortunately it is true. I’m overly jealous, say mean things and the worst of it was me saying I’m going to kill myself if he didn’t come back and listen to my feelings when he said he wanted space after a disagreement. The thing is, I KNOW it is wrong. I didn’t know it was emotional abuse but when he told me how he felt I started searching it and it is 100% me. I feel so ashamed and guilty. I’m not justifying it at all but in my previous relationship I was emotionally abused. I was put down and cheated on and he also used threats to make me listen. Now I know that this behaviour isn’t normal and it’s abusive I really want to change. I really really do. I just can’t forgive myself.

Also, does it make me abusive if I’m annoyed and upset that my boyfriend is now smoking weed with his friends now that we agreed to have a little space? I always told him not to smoke it as it’s a disgusting habit to me and he respected that but now he’s doing it again

But he already gave all that up for me and now we’re in a bad place he’s starting to do everything he gave up again