Day 3

I am so upset. I really always knew somewhere deep down i wasn’t a terrible human being but over the past 2 weeks something changed, i stopped having anxiety drastically and now have much more difficulty not believing thoughts. it feels like they are real. and i just don’t understand how i could be so repulsed by something the day before this happened and now feel nothing, i’m terrified. i’m 17. i feel like it’s all over. i’ve had periods where i lost clarity before but they came back but for the past weeks i’ve just been stuck and i can’t cope and i can’t explain it and i’m not sure what to do. i feel like these past 2 ish years of dealing with it are all a lies. but it just doesn’t make sense, i want to feel disgust not clarity? and now i feel no hope. i was supposed to get a diagnosis soon but it just feels like everything changed so quickly. how is this possible? im so upset and i can’t breathe or think and im terrified all at the same time as feeling nothing. it doesn’t feel like back door spike it just feels real. im a lost cause, i can’t do this anymore… i wanted to be good and now i feel like im what i feared. please help? i don’t know if this is ocd?

Im currently trying to heal from my ROCD and im really struggling right now. I just had to stop taking Lexapro 3 days ago and its really freaking me out. My ROCD got bad about a month ago and it was one of the most painful things i’ve been through and when it started I wasnt taking anything. After a few days of suffering I went on Lexapro and everything improved from there but now I have to get off of it and im terrified. I feel myself spiraling and I know its not good for me but im so scared things are going to get bad again. I know spiraling is like a compulsion and a defense mechanism but idk anymore. Things have been getting better recently and now im starting to doubt myself and the obsessive thoughts are coming back, they are not bad as before but still. I feel so overwhelmed and confused

It's the middle of the night and I just had a really intense and scary attack of ocd. Not really sure what it was all about, but it was a whole flood of different themes all at once. Only thing that was clear to me is that I was full of such intense fear of myself. Afraid of losing control of my mind and ending up in a psych ward tonight, afraid of thinking of hurting myself and how it might feel good/relieving, afraid of losing control and hurting my pet, afraid of having a full blown panic attack and needing my parents, afraid of losing control and screaming, afraid of giving into the urge to lash out and throw things/throw myself around (lately I've been feeling the need to exert/stim), and afraid of how each and every one of these outcomes would affect others. I'm falling asleep now but I'm still terrified of what just happened. I've never felt anything like it before. I've now been having problems every single day for a month straight (happy anniversary lol). My therapist of four years is not an OCD therapist and I won't be seeing her for two weeks yet. I also just started seeing a psych but I won't be seeing her for over a month yet. I'm wondering if i should get in touch with a NOCD therapist asap because I swear I just keep getting worse and I'm getting more and more paranoid and terrified by the hour. I feel like my behavior has definitely changed. The problem is though I know i'm obsessed with getting help for myself because i'm THAT scared of my own mind. I think having a SECOND therapist would be a bit overkill but i'm also extremely desperate and have been considering this for about a month now. Has anyone else tried a NOCD therapist paired with their normal therapist? Anyways now i'm so scared of what i'm gonna wake up to. These intense mood swings are getting scarier and scarier.