I’m so drained

Sometimes I feel as if I want to act on these thoughts and I will one day because I won’t be able to handle my thoughts and I’ll go insane and hurt myself. right now I feel a lot of pressure in my head and stress and anxiety along with some depression because I can’t seem to find the fun in things anymore also any type of semi stressful situation I go through on a day to day basis is 10x worse after getting this thought I’ve been dealing with this thought that I might not be able to handle my ocd thoughts and compulsions for years and years to come and one day I’ll snap and the last few days I’ve been feeling so down that I’m scared that I’ll act on them and I’ve had this thought for about two weeks now and before that I use to be fine i don’t know what happened I really just want to go back to how I was feeling two weeks ago I honestly don’t know why I got this thought and why it’s stuck in my head now and I can’t seem to shake it off I feel like walls are just crumbling in on me slowly and I can’t seem to get out of it I just keep wishing I went back to my normal self literally two 2-3 weeks ago I just don’t know what might have happened I know I was dealing with a great amount of stress before I got this thought so maybe it was building up to this one thought that I had two weeks ago. I usually am able to shake some of my ocd thoughts off and disregard them and continue about my day but this one thought got me into a hyperventilating state when I got it two weeks ago and it caused me to panic so much because it was such a bad thought that I can’t get rid of it now i feel as if I’m in a episode and Ill never get out of it and I’ll be stuck like this forever and I can’t feel like this because how should any human feel this type of way forever it’s impossible and then I might snap one day because I can’t take it anymore it just scares me I want to go back to my old self a few weeks ago

Everyday I feel extremely down and I don’t know how to snap out of it. Intrusive thoughts are always playing in my head and won’t stop. I’ve been feeling down for the longest time to the point where it doesn’t feel right to be happy or do anything positive for myself. It’s as if I want to be miserable and don’t want anything good to happen to me. I don’t deserve it and I don’t think I can truly overcome this. I get eaten up everyday and lil by lil, a piece of myself slips away to the point where I don’t recognize myself anymore or care for myself. I don’t want to feel like this anymore😔I feel so detached from reality.

I miss my life before ocd. When I would never wake up in a cycle of overthinking and worry and the moment I open my eyes till the moment I sleep, it’s non stop intrusive and unwanted thoughts. It scares me, I don’t want to live my life like this forever. I cry so much, as I’m sure most of you would relate. My heart just feels heavy, that’s the best description I can give, I feel like I’m just existing not actually LIVING. (Not an existential theme) I feel like I just bring everyone down around me, my mental illness has an affect on those around me and though I can’t help I am mentally ill, it takes a toll on me when I KNOW I’m hurting others when they see me so sad all the time, including my daughter… I’ve been dealing with this for somewhere between 1-2 years, which doesn’t seem like a long time but when your life is this constant never ending doubt every single day sometimes all day long, it feels like forever… I just want to be HAPPY. Is that too much to ask for? To just feel genuine happiness and not have these obsessive ego dystonic thoughts 24/7, or at all… I try and keep my head above water and just keep swimming, I wish I could see an ocd therapist but im sorry even with NOCD, it’s TOO EXPENSIVE. I live in Australia so don’t have access to Medicare through NOCD therapy… what options do I have. I’m at a low point, trying to function every day and distract myself from my head by cleaning, looking after my daughter and dog, doing little activities to occupy my time. But there’s only so much distracting you can do I guess.