alvin

Date posted: 5y

Hello everyone! I’m new and I’m struggling. This thought has been following me for about a year now and it’s always the first thing I think of when I wake up and the last thing on my mind before I fall asleep. I love going to sleep because I can stop thinking about it and I hate waking up because instantly I’m like here we go again. I had a horrible experience about a year ago when I went for a facial. While I was laying there the man cleaning my face grabbed my penis and rubbed it. I froze and didn’t know how to react. I just wanted to leave the room. After that I kept on thinking why didn’t I react? Am I a homosexual and ever since that moment I have not been able to stop this thought! It’s mentally frustrating and I’m losing my ability to communicate and focus because it’s always in the back of my mind. I can’t sleep sometimes and I don’t know what to do. Please help!

Sexual Orientation OCD

andrewt_

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 5y

First of all , welcome to the app man !! It’s great to have you here and you’ll find that the community on here is so understanding and supportive so you made a great choice. Second of all , I’m so sorry you had to experience that , I can’t imagine how humiliating and uncomfortable it was for you !! What he did was disgusting. How are you feeling about that particular incident ? How much does it affect you outside of your OCD ?? And as for not reacting , I don’t wanna give you reassurance , but I’m not surprised you didn’t react. In moments where something very unexpected happens you tend to freeze up because your mind is probably going in overdrive trying to figure out what to do , how to react , and how to feel. Along with the fact that you’re in shock. These are all realistic possibilities , but ask yourself for a minute what your life would be like if you weren’t straight. You would still be your normal self , have your own identity , and have your interests ! It wouldn’t change you and it shouldn’t. The key is to accept that you don’t know what you are so you don’t get caught up in the cycle of OCD. It takes practice but you can get there , recovery is more than possible and I say this as someone who has since recovered so much when I thought I never would‼️?? always here for you man

Wanderer88

Date posted: 5y

And The thoughts (before / after bed) had followed me around for about 1.5 years, so there is hope I promise! It’s a shift from being distressed by the thoughts to learning they are misfires in the brain and not worth our conscious attention, they will happen

ejgh

Date posted: 5y

Let me just say that I’m sorry that happened to you, it must’ve been a horrible experience. That’s illegal to do what he did, it should be very legal knowing the effect it had. Hope things get better for you.

annie9

Date posted: 5y

I have been struggling w this same disease for a month or two now and I know how stressful and terrifying it can be (and of course this all started w me when I started my freshman year of college which SERIOUSLY sucks) but anyway this is what I try to do: When the thought appears in my brain I let it in and try to be like “oh yeah what if this was true it doesn’t matter it’s jsut a thought” and I try to focus on the good things in life (which I know is really hard soemtime) for example: I loveee to drive around and listen to music at sunset or really anytime of the day... but when I started getting these thoughts it really messed it up bc whenever I was alone I would think about it BUT I started to do ERP which is a type of therapy where u expose the thought which means that you let the thought it your head and what I do is just let myself think it over and over again (and yes this does give you anxiety at first) but eventually you find that it doesn’t scare as much anymore... now it does take time and you have to be patient w yourself and I do have bad days and good days but just always hold on to the thought that one day everything will be ok bc I know that it will... just seriously don’t let the thoughts ruin those really good times/moments w your friends/family just let them come into your brain and let them pass.... sorry I know that was extremely long and idk if you R gonna read all this hahaha

Wanderer88

Date posted: 5y

Thanks for your long message, I appreciate the long responses as sometimes the short ones don’t provide enough context :) i assure you I even read it and it helped!

alvin

Date posted: 5y

Hey annie9! It’s not long at all and it’s really comforting for me to read. I really appreciate you taking the time to help me out and I’m sorry about your freshmen year. You’re rides sound fun. I might do that tonight :) Thank you!

ejgh

Date posted: 5y

Very illegal* sorry

alvin

Date posted: 5y

Xiandrewww I really appreciate you man! Thank you so much for your support. I reread you response and each time it makes me feel better. Thank you so much!

Wanderer88

Date posted: 5y

I know exactly how it is to have a thought that seems to follow you into every moment, I found it especially torturous to have the thought before falling asleep and when waking up. It’s like it has this hold on you that you can’t shake, I had a different thought than yours and it almost made me think I was a little depressed because I kept wanting to go to bed early all the time and slee for as long as possible so I wouldn’t have the thoughts. Unfortunately, going to sleep early for example means I am letting a thought rule my life. Once I realized how much havoc the thought had on my life, I finally felt like I had to tell my therapist (i was scared to) and I obviously dont know you or your situation, but regardless if you are a homosexual or not (adding that in order not to reassure), a thought is considered ocd when it is distressing. So regardless of the outcome, there are ways to cope with thoughts like this that keep hold of you: the main way is to accept that the are just thoughts, like clouds in the air that pass through or my personal favorite: like your stuck in a room with a fly and you will hear it’s annoying buzzing, but the volume will be much lower if you put it in the back of your head as a thought you shouldn’t bring attention to because if it’s distressing, then it’s ocd. With the help of my therapist, i can now regain my life & sleep lifestyle and feel free - I don’t have those thoughts before or after sleep anymore. Good luck!!

alvin

Date posted: 5y

Thank you so much for taking the time to share with me. I just want you to know this really helps and I appreciate you :)

pink cupcake

Date posted: 5y

Used to think the same shit Winded up i tried tô be lesbo and Hated It don't fool yourself into this

Grace

Date posted: 5y

I probably would have froze too! I would have thought I was dreaming or something!! Welcome to the app we are happy to have you!

alvin

Date posted: 5y

Thanks Grace! :)

lizzy123

Date posted: 5y

I think you might have a little trauma from the experiance. I have ptsd from some traumatic childhood sexual experiances that involved watching lesbian porn. Periodically i would go through this stuff because i went along with it and didnt stop it. I thought maybe i was a lesbian because the stuff on the tv was arousing. It was all so confusing. But when your very scared you freeze its a survival instinct. Also when something is terrifying and sexual at the same time your body reacts without your consent in a way. I just wanted you to know that i struggle with this too. It would be best to talk to a therapist about this too. Ocd thoughts that tie into traumatic experiances are stored a little differantly in the brain. BUT cbt and all the advice everyone gives here is very good and works for this stuff!!

Jack03

Date posted: 23w

Is this OCD?

Hi, I’m new here!! I’m praying I don’t get judged for this. But, back in late May of 2022 ( literally right before I graduated high school), I added this one random girl from my school on Snapchat. She posted something about a graduation party , so I swiped up on her story basically saying how I can’t believe we’re almost graduated. She replied and we had a really short and simple conversation. The next day ( i believe) , we started talking a lot , and I just so happened to see her at the highschool when we were grabbing our graduation outfits and doing the rehearsal. When I saw her irl, I kinda got turned off ( I heard she was kinda crazy) , and on top of that , she was a little ugly irl. I remember seeing her Snapchat bio , and she was close friends with my female cousin ( a year younger than me) , who I happened to experiment sexually with when I was 10-11 years old. I remember going to work later that day and having sort of a lightbulb flick thought ( it wasn’t a good thought though) , what if my cousin told her about what happened when we were younger? So I started to kind of panic and immediately distanced myself from that girl. I also experimented sexually with one of my female friends when I was 10-11 , and from that day onwards, I’ve been pretty much living in paranoia and a little bit of guilt about someone finding out and my life being ruined . On top of that, It’s gotten worse to now sometimes I wonder if a girl I added off of quick add ( Snapchat) is underage even if they told me they were 18+ or had 18 and above in their bio, and I get so much guilt and anxiety about that. I even had a quick thought last February on what if I did something inappropriate with my younger cousin when I was 15-16 but I just can’t exactly remember when it happened , and it still eats me alive when I think about it, because I don’t know if it happened or not. I’m sorry for the long vent, I just wish I felt normal again. No matter how much I try to do things that old me used to do, life always feels “ off”. I always kept the top part about when I was younger a secret up until early (ish ) 2024, then I vented to one of my best friends and he told me that that’s a normal thing to do at a young age. Since then, I have told multiple friends and they all say they did similar stuff, but my brain just can’t accept that. Please help me, I quite literally overthink everything nowadays. 2021 was the last full year that I felt normal ( coincidentally, the best year of my life so far) . It’s not just about sexual related things either, sometimes I’ll wonder if I messed up something at work or hit a car while driving/hit someone and drove off. I just wanna live my life how I was supposed to live it after highschool ( carefree and happy) before whatever it is ( I think it’s ocd) hit me unexpectedly. Thanks to anyone who read this , I just needed to pour it out regardless of how negative I felt typing this, I hope someone can relate , because I feel so alone in my head at times.

misereri

Date posted: 20w

Someone to talk to?please?

Hi, I'm 17,about to be 18. I've been struggling with these thoughts for the past 8 months. I was wondering if someone experienced ever the same because I feel im "different". BACKGROUND: (I'm not diagnosed with Ocd but seeing a local counselor) About 9 months ago I cheated on my boyfriend with this guy S (who blackmailed, manipulated and molested me). Since then when I realized that what i did was very WRONG and so I started ruminating picking apart every single interaction and telling my boyfriend, i tried to remember every single detail because otherwise I felt like i was being a fraud and hiding things to save myself, i had many crisis about it because I had also what i think was false memory ocd. My boyfriend forgave me idk how tbh I still wonder. CURRENT STRUGGLE: Months ago I was sure I didn't wanna S in any way and i was sure even when everything happened. For the past 2 months tho I've been having thoughts like " Do I love S?" "I love S" "S is hot" "Would S find me hot?" "What if I want S?" " What if I don't love my boyfriend enough?" "What if I secretly want S?" "What if I see my boyfriend as a friend only?Do I?" And I tried testing my reaction to intimate scenarios with S, I'm scared I like it i dont really wanna love S or have any secret attraction, I wish I didn't have any of this and I want to be sure of my feelings for my boyfriend because I know I wanna be with him and I see a future with him like he brings me comfort. But a part of me keeps trying to convince me otherwise. Sometimes I think I'd rather die than have these thoughts. Im so scared of not being able to control my feelings, im scared I can't resist S and its giving me anxiety and making me cry. Sometimes when i think of those sexual scenarios with S or I get those thoughts my mind tells me to smile because i like it because I find it funny. It makes me doubt myself all over again. Like I'm always like I need to test if I'd feel aroused to intimate scenarios with S, lately im trying to fight this urge to test and test but my mind is like "just do it this once so you can be sure. I can never watch anything romantic or sexual or whatever because my mind would be like "you and S" or sometimes I'm just enjoying time with my bf and im like " yes we can just have a sneaky cheating thing thats ok" and it makes me want to figure it out to find an answer a solution because idk it just does like I need to find the meaning of it if it means the truth and all. Im worried im just an awful person and these thoughts just ruin my quality of life . Today i had a crisis where i ended up doinf swlf harm, I'm so scared of finding someone that's not my boyfriend desirable or sexual appealing or whatever it is, I also have bodily reactions when I try to imagine and test my reaction to scenarios. Now i keep groing everytime and I dont know why but i have this sensation and I dont want to havebit especially when its something S related. Does someone experience the same thoughts? Am I alone in this? Is this ROCD? What should i do?

Lulu~

Date posted: 14w

Someone please help me right now

I’m a csa survivor which made me develop hypersexuality while actually being a asexual individual. (Where I did CP and talked to groomers and sexted, ect ect) A few months ago I’ve started to heal, but the fact that I’ve seen so many private parts since I was idk, young? I imagine them everywhere, it’s really frustrating and sometimes I also get intrusive thoughts about other kids or my siblings. It’s deeply distributing but I also kind of think of it from a curious kind of aspect which I despise too. Honestly I have a hard time with any kid in underwear, my intrusive thoughts have been ALOT the last months and they’re really really overwhelming. I also easily go into overanalysing them or even trying to figure out more clearer the thoughts to “test myself”. I think, I hope. Idk it’s scary

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