- Date posted
- 5y
- Date posted
- 5y
I’ve never had depression, but when my OCD was really bad I spent a lot of my energy pretending to be happy. If you looked at my Instagram during that time you’d think I was living my best life when really I was crying and panicking every day. I remember thinking “ugh I just want to be normal like all my other friends” too and then I found out that actually my friends weren’t doing too hot either. Everyone experiences mental illness differently. Some of them might be faking it, but if you’re a celebrity you still have to keep up a relatively positive image. I get how frustrating it can be though when someone doesn’t “act like they’re depressed/struggling” but you’re only seeing a small, curated part of their life. (Also can say, you will get through this some day!)
- Date posted
- 5y
@Erin174 that cleared up a whole lot. Its true that those people have to keep up with their image. I do too everyday. I pretend to be the happy girl i ised to everyday but inside im not, on the outside i am even tho i dont feel like the girl i look like from the outside. I feel like this affects my friendships so much too bevause my friends dont notice im different but i just cant genuinly laugh anymore and im starting to become less and less fun now and theyre kind of taking their space from me becaus now they do notice im different. But im different because im trying so hard to still be fun to hang with and i want to keep up with who i used to be so bad. I hate to see it happen. I tried to explain to them but everytime i do i feel annoying. I feel like im that unstable girl. I can hear them thinkinf: just be happy lol. While like, im trying with everything thsts jnside of me. But im not me anymore and i have to heal and i have to restore to become the real me and i wish they would understand and i wish they wouldnt just ignore me bevause i get thst right now i seem snnoying and im not the funny girl i used to be. But why cant they ask: how r u feeling or is there something with u because ur acring strange. They dont do thst they try to have fun 24/7 and now i dont fit in thst picture so im just slowely being kicked out. It hurts a lot. Thnks for the answer and the clearness of ur message it really helped. And thanks for understaning what i was trying to say because ur answer was the answer i needed.
- Date posted
- 5y
Depression is different for everybody. For my friends and the people around me, they tried their best not to show their emotions. I’m not very good at that so it’s harder for me to fake a smile. But I learned one thing: social media is VERY misleading. You only see what happens in the 12 seconds that they used to take that picture. Who knows, some of them may have cried afterwards. I’ve been reading your posts and I think it’s time for me to say this: you put so much pressure and blame on yourself for feeling sad. I know it might be different because you’re always used to being the light in every room but it’s okay to not be okay sometimes. Allow yourself to feel your emotions because it’s how you honestly feel. Beating yourself up for being sad won’t make the sadness go away. And if you’re brave enough, reach out to your friends or a counselor and tell them how you feel. If they’re good people, they’ll be able to listen and support you through your hard times. But whatever your mental state is in right now, what the hell is stopping you from buying that puppy or going to parties. It’s really difficult but you can’t let your mental illness take over your life. You got this ?
- Date posted
- 5y
@Esosa thank you for commenting :) i never thought of it that way but now i look at it, i put a lot of pressure on myself to be happy. I want to be happy so bad but k think i should accept its okay to be sad. Its just been the worst year of my life. Its so hard for me to expierence things this way. Im so afraid to do things i used to love because im scared that they wont make me happy anymore because i have been sad for so long. I dont want to let myself down by dowing things and then be so dissapointed. I want to fully be happy and then go on do the things i love to get the full experience and not be half depressed and half sad. If i would go buy a puppy right now i would most likely end up crying bevause it doesnt make me happy the way it wouldve made me happy before hocd. I knwo its all stupid and complicated but its just my mind playing tricks on me and it has me completely in control. Its very bad but ur message defenitly helped me to self reflect and try to keep doing the things i love even tho they might not make me feel the same way they used to. I cant give up. thank you for commenting!
Related posts
- Date posted
- 24w
I keep having this weird feeling none stop that it’s most likely not HOCD and most my feelings. Like I’ve suffered none stop distress and unwanted thoughts the past few days. But those thoughts after a bit just feel weird not the kind of discomfort but are just their and stale. When I look at a guy I don’t feel anything but my thoughts sometimes compliment his looks or personality which makes me doubt my sexuality. I’ve never felt this weirded out. Because I’ve always been straight and still believe I am but I’ve never even had an emotional connection to someone of the opposite gender in fact. My view of the female body has been ruined with none stop pornography addictions. I don’t believe I’m gay but I feel like it may just be denial instead of HOCD but all my symptoms are literally HOCD. I don’t hate the idea of gay people but I can’t imagine or see my heart going off to like someone of the same sex. I haven’t really had any meaningful real life friends besides online but that also ended a few months ago. My only friend ever online that was my friend for the longest of time was a queer but I never really cared about what he liked. Like yes at some point I did try to challenge him with his own feelings but that didn’t last long I just accepted what he liked and moved on. I’ve never even touched let alone held a long conversation with a female. I’ve always been timid and shy around them but I can just say that towards male as well. The gay feelings feel so real. The thoughts feel a bit natural to me but I don’t want this. But I hate how I can’t just move on and be myself and love women when those thoughts demand attention and an answer. It won’t quit it. If I try to do a compulsion it calms down but it quickly becomes a problem again. I’m lonely I don’t have any friends or past relationships I can even think of helping me with the emotions. I still believe I’m straight and I just can’t see myself with a guy. It just doesn’t feel right for me despite my lack of experiences. I just wanna go back to how I was happy and loving girls and not having to question if it was a real feeling or just my natural timid nature. Everytime I think these distressing thoughts I always just wanna sit down and close my eyes and sleep. Because that’s where I can have peace of self. It sucks but I’m so exhausted of having to deal with emotional distress and I can’t even focus on my job as much. I want to meet new people discover my love for women again but I’m scared in the process I may discover I may be gay. Because deep down I know I wouldn’t ever be happy with myself if my greatest fears where confirmed. My dream of always being a father with a loving women and kids would be torn away by something I never asked for. Yes I’m religious, yes I come from a place that homosexuals are usually seen in a bad light. I just hate feeling this emotion that I may not be what I thought and having my dreams torn apart maybe true. I’ve read MUTIPLE articles about HOCD and seen MUTIPLE videos. I’ve come to the realization that I most likely have it. But it’s still hard when the feelings of maybe being gay maybe true you know? I hope I get better I hope I don’t suffer. I just wanna be happy with myself and loving females and I don’t wanna hate myself for feeling an emotion that never occurred to me more then a few times.
- Date posted
- 21w
First off - I’m sorry, I post here a lot. My thoughts are going to be scattered because I have the adhd/ocd/executive dysfunction wombo combo. Im so embarrassed I am THIS neurodivergent. I swear my brain couldn’t pick one struggle and settle with it. I’m not making these diagnoses quirky personality traits by any means, in fact, in this post im venting about how exhausting and embarassed I am living with a brain like this on the daily. I need to hear someone’s advice please. I love hearing everyone’s advice on posts because it’s so useful, and brings me back down to reality. Everyone on here gives advice so tastefully in a way where it doesn’t feed into the self reassurance compulsion, but it’s also been thorough and constructive enough where it’s reminded me to ground myself in a healthy way. I love seeing others helping others, it soothes me. This community has been so kind, and I’m so happy I found it. I wish I could ask more, but I have so many questions I think it’d drive everyone here crazy lol. I am doing erp therapy now, and it’s been teaching me so many amazing techniques. I’ve been making progress. However, I sometimes have my moments of vunerablity. I’ve been experiencing this especially now more than ever because I am going through a breakup. He did it through text after nearly 9 months together. I’d do anything for him and love him through anything, and he broke my heart when I least expected it. I’d make his bed for him multiple times, but I haven’t done that for myself in years. I’d sit with him for hours to watch and do anything he likes, but he’d never do the same and I’d never do the same for me. I’m also at fault because I was too scared to speak up so I let a lot of disrespect slide. Why did my ocd do that? Why does ocd make me people please even when I don’t want to? Why does OCD make me care so much about things that will never effect me (like wanting validation from a random person on the street and hoping they’ll think I’m pretty enough to look at), but then when it comes to my future or positive wellbeing (like focusing on college/doing well in classes/personal hygiene/health), forces me to not care/neglect myself and those needs? I don’t understand it. Ocd makes me think everything’s a setup or a trap. I can never believe that I am fine right where I want to be. Why am I so hard on myself? Why do I even think this much? I care and feel so deeply but it becomes unhealthy so fast because ocd makes me fixate and I stay there for a while. For some reason I let this breakup define my self worth. I let it topple into the ocd fear that I will never make it in life - that I won’t be successful, I’ll never get the career I want, the love I want, or the life I want. My OCD’s version of “logic” isn’t even logical. Yes, I understand how the breakup means feelings of low self worth which will then topple into feeling bad about other things. But why has my brain been wired to think this way? Why does it seem so easy for everyone else to function normally with life but not me? Honestly this is the first time in my life where I’m dedicated to focusing on myself and learning more about myself instead of others in my life and it’s a very odd and bizarre feeling. I’m excited of course, but I’m also scared. My ocd makes me ruminate like “what if I will never make the most of this life I’ve been given”, “what if I truly have no worth and the most I will ever be in other people’s lives is a background character”, “why do I care if I’m a background character or not? I should feel guilty and ignorant for assuming everyone will automatically like me”, “are people lying to me when they call me pretty, smart or kind?”, “I need to look and sound perfect in both pictures, videos and in real life. I will never be satisfied for accepting who I am now”, and a bunch of other annoying questions. But sometimes it’s like I just can’t take the reality for what it is but at the same time, but I also acknowledge that I know this is ocd talking. This is so, so difficult. Do I make any sense with what I’m saying? Can anyone help?
- Date posted
- 21w
I miss when I wasn't ruminating 24/7, waking up with horrible anxiety or spending all day doing compulsions. Even when I try so hard to resist them I just end up in a spiral. I miss when I was comfortable in my nonbinary identity and didn't have TOCD and now everything feels wrong and conflicting. I miss when I wasn't depressed and disabled. I know I can never get that person back. I haven't seen that person since high school. Ive spent years with this disorder and i havent gotten better despite therapy and meds. I don't know if I'll ever be happy again.
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