Okay so this has been on my mjnd for a while but like, every instagram model or like celebrity is always like: i have been depressed or i am depressed and life will get better and everything. But than i see the next post and its like them looking all happy partying or its a post with the caption like: i bought a new dog im sooooo happy. While i cant get it over my heart to go to a party or buy a dog while im like this. I dont wsnt to experience all the good things i always dreamed of when im not myself because it hurts. I dont know if that makes sense but its like i want to be the old version of me before hocd the careless one and the free one and then do all the fun stuff otherwise i wont enjoy it fully. I want to enjoy things fully like i used to. So i just dont get how all these people claim to be depressed but still are happy? They are like its a rainy day omg im so happy or something and jm just like, How? How are u happy. U said u were depressed if u were wouldnt u not be posting. Wouldnt you be sad 24/7. Because thats how i experience depression. So why arent they? Im just wondering like im not a depression expert and i dont know what they are feeling but i just get so jalouse like how do they get to be happy even tho theyre depressed as they claim. What are they going trough??. People always say that if u have depression and anxiety go lay in bed grab a snack grab a blanket and just chill and let the feelinggs be there but i cant chill. My mind is always on the run. I cant do any of the old stuff i did without feeling pain because im not expierencing the same feelings thst i used to get while doing the stuff. This whole post is so messy i hope Someone understands what im talking about because like depression and hocd littetaly changed everything. Eating, sleeping, breathing everything feels different and i dont wsnt to do fun stuff when i feel like this because in the back of my mind i know that if i didnt had hocd and depression i would be genuinely happy and not even thinking about anything other than the situation thst is going on and id just be focused on having fun while not even noticing it.

I’ve never had depression, but when my OCD was really bad I spent a lot of my energy pretending to be happy. If you looked at my Instagram during that time you’d think I was living my best life when really I was crying and panicking every day. I remember thinking “ugh I just want to be normal like all my other friends” too and then I found out that actually my friends weren’t doing too hot either. Everyone experiences mental illness differently. Some of them might be faking it, but if you’re a celebrity you still have to keep up a relatively positive image. I get how frustrating it can be though when someone doesn’t “act like they’re depressed/struggling” but you’re only seeing a small, curated part of their life. (Also can say, you will get through this some day!)

@Erin174 that cleared up a whole lot. Its true that those people have to keep up with their image. I do too everyday. I pretend to be the happy girl i ised to everyday but inside im not, on the outside i am even tho i dont feel like the girl i look like from the outside. I feel like this affects my friendships so much too bevause my friends dont notice im different but i just cant genuinly laugh anymore and im starting to become less and less fun now and theyre kind of taking their space from me becaus now they do notice im different. But im different because im trying so hard to still be fun to hang with and i want to keep up with who i used to be so bad. I hate to see it happen. I tried to explain to them but everytime i do i feel annoying. I feel like im that unstable girl. I can hear them thinkinf: just be happy lol. While like, im trying with everything thsts jnside of me. But im not me anymore and i have to heal and i have to restore to become the real me and i wish they would understand and i wish they wouldnt just ignore me bevause i get thst right now i seem snnoying and im not the funny girl i used to be. But why cant they ask: how r u feeling or is there something with u because ur acring strange. They dont do thst they try to have fun 24/7 and now i dont fit in thst picture so im just slowely being kicked out. It hurts a lot. Thnks for the answer and the clearness of ur message it really helped. And thanks for understaning what i was trying to say because ur answer was the answer i needed.

Depression is different for everybody. For my friends and the people around me, they tried their best not to show their emotions. I’m not very good at that so it’s harder for me to fake a smile. But I learned one thing: social media is VERY misleading. You only see what happens in the 12 seconds that they used to take that picture. Who knows, some of them may have cried afterwards. I’ve been reading your posts and I think it’s time for me to say this: you put so much pressure and blame on yourself for feeling sad. I know it might be different because you’re always used to being the light in every room but it’s okay to not be okay sometimes. Allow yourself to feel your emotions because it’s how you honestly feel. Beating yourself up for being sad won’t make the sadness go away. And if you’re brave enough, reach out to your friends or a counselor and tell them how you feel. If they’re good people, they’ll be able to listen and support you through your hard times. But whatever your mental state is in right now, what the hell is stopping you from buying that puppy or going to parties. It’s really difficult but you can’t let your mental illness take over your life. You got this ?

@Esosa thank you for commenting :) i never thought of it that way but now i look at it, i put a lot of pressure on myself to be happy. I want to be happy so bad but k think i should accept its okay to be sad. Its just been the worst year of my life. Its so hard for me to expierence things this way. Im so afraid to do things i used to love because im scared that they wont make me happy anymore because i have been sad for so long. I dont want to let myself down by dowing things and then be so dissapointed. I want to fully be happy and then go on do the things i love to get the full experience and not be half depressed and half sad. If i would go buy a puppy right now i would most likely end up crying bevause it doesnt make me happy the way it wouldve made me happy before hocd. I knwo its all stupid and complicated but its just my mind playing tricks on me and it has me completely in control. Its very bad but ur message defenitly helped me to self reflect and try to keep doing the things i love even tho they might not make me feel the same way they used to. I cant give up. thank you for commenting!