- Date posted
- 5y
- Date posted
- 5y
I’ve never had depression, but when my OCD was really bad I spent a lot of my energy pretending to be happy. If you looked at my Instagram during that time you’d think I was living my best life when really I was crying and panicking every day. I remember thinking “ugh I just want to be normal like all my other friends” too and then I found out that actually my friends weren’t doing too hot either. Everyone experiences mental illness differently. Some of them might be faking it, but if you’re a celebrity you still have to keep up a relatively positive image. I get how frustrating it can be though when someone doesn’t “act like they’re depressed/struggling” but you’re only seeing a small, curated part of their life. (Also can say, you will get through this some day!)
- Date posted
- 5y
@Erin174 that cleared up a whole lot. Its true that those people have to keep up with their image. I do too everyday. I pretend to be the happy girl i ised to everyday but inside im not, on the outside i am even tho i dont feel like the girl i look like from the outside. I feel like this affects my friendships so much too bevause my friends dont notice im different but i just cant genuinly laugh anymore and im starting to become less and less fun now and theyre kind of taking their space from me becaus now they do notice im different. But im different because im trying so hard to still be fun to hang with and i want to keep up with who i used to be so bad. I hate to see it happen. I tried to explain to them but everytime i do i feel annoying. I feel like im that unstable girl. I can hear them thinkinf: just be happy lol. While like, im trying with everything thsts jnside of me. But im not me anymore and i have to heal and i have to restore to become the real me and i wish they would understand and i wish they wouldnt just ignore me bevause i get thst right now i seem snnoying and im not the funny girl i used to be. But why cant they ask: how r u feeling or is there something with u because ur acring strange. They dont do thst they try to have fun 24/7 and now i dont fit in thst picture so im just slowely being kicked out. It hurts a lot. Thnks for the answer and the clearness of ur message it really helped. And thanks for understaning what i was trying to say because ur answer was the answer i needed.
- Date posted
- 5y
Depression is different for everybody. For my friends and the people around me, they tried their best not to show their emotions. I’m not very good at that so it’s harder for me to fake a smile. But I learned one thing: social media is VERY misleading. You only see what happens in the 12 seconds that they used to take that picture. Who knows, some of them may have cried afterwards. I’ve been reading your posts and I think it’s time for me to say this: you put so much pressure and blame on yourself for feeling sad. I know it might be different because you’re always used to being the light in every room but it’s okay to not be okay sometimes. Allow yourself to feel your emotions because it’s how you honestly feel. Beating yourself up for being sad won’t make the sadness go away. And if you’re brave enough, reach out to your friends or a counselor and tell them how you feel. If they’re good people, they’ll be able to listen and support you through your hard times. But whatever your mental state is in right now, what the hell is stopping you from buying that puppy or going to parties. It’s really difficult but you can’t let your mental illness take over your life. You got this ?
- Date posted
- 5y
@Esosa thank you for commenting :) i never thought of it that way but now i look at it, i put a lot of pressure on myself to be happy. I want to be happy so bad but k think i should accept its okay to be sad. Its just been the worst year of my life. Its so hard for me to expierence things this way. Im so afraid to do things i used to love because im scared that they wont make me happy anymore because i have been sad for so long. I dont want to let myself down by dowing things and then be so dissapointed. I want to fully be happy and then go on do the things i love to get the full experience and not be half depressed and half sad. If i would go buy a puppy right now i would most likely end up crying bevause it doesnt make me happy the way it wouldve made me happy before hocd. I knwo its all stupid and complicated but its just my mind playing tricks on me and it has me completely in control. Its very bad but ur message defenitly helped me to self reflect and try to keep doing the things i love even tho they might not make me feel the same way they used to. I cant give up. thank you for commenting!
Related posts
- Date posted
- 24w
back in october i made my first post about my specific type of ocd, how it mixes in with my day to day and how i “deal” with it. i talked about the starting point, how it gradually got worse, and then how it was going just a few months ago. i always think it’s insane how much can change in just the course of a small to a large amount of time. right now, i honestly feel like garbage. to be quite sincere i really want to give up, i’m barely holding on by a thread. and if i cut that thread, i really doubt anyone would care. i’ve never considered myself to be a suicidal person, and i still don’t consider myself that right now. it just gets to a point where it’s just, a lot to deal with. i don’t really enjoy things a lot nowadays. sure i have good days like everyone does, like today, when i was just enjoying my day without worries. but then it all comes crawling back twice as bad the following days. i take online college so i’m usually just stuck at home most of the time. but, when i do decide to actually go out and leave my house, my ocd just explodes because i have this whole routine i need to do or else i feel like i’ll contaminate wherever i end up going. i’m not going to go really deep into my compulsions because it’s hard enough to live with them, much more having to type them all out in detail. but when i go out my compulsions go from wiping down all my stuff i’m going to use after showering, to washing my clothes/cleaning the washer + dryer. i also have separate things (or two of the same thing) i use specifically in my house, and items i use when going out. such as shampoo/body wash, deodorant, lotion, hair curler, etc. as if that’s not draining enough, i also feel the need to fast a couple days prior to any plan i make because i’ve forced myself to believe i need to feel empty in order to be clean. i’m not sure if that’s my past eating disorder talking, or my ocd, but my brain can’t help but think any food in my house is utterly and completely contaminated. i’m so tired of this feeling, feeling like nothing will ever be clean again. feeling like my ocd is trapped in my childhood home. feeling that wave of diseases rushing through my veins the moment i step foot into what’s supposed to be “home”. and i’m so scared of therapy because what if i do get healed, and then everything comes rushing back the second i step into my room. i’m planning on moving somewhere far from my current house in this next coming year, so sometimes i feel like just waiting it out. but it’s insufferable when going to hangout with someone. i miss my friends, my family, and my partner. it’s crazy to me that i’m dealing with all this at the young age of 18 but, i’m sure lots of people have it way worse. i just want to find a way out, any possible way. but i keep pushing myself deeper and deeper that when i finally find a way, it will no longer exist.
- Date posted
- 20w
Idk if this post is even worth it but it seemed like a normal day for me, called off work due to the weather so I get to just stay home and play games all day. Easy day besides dealing with the constant and unbearable battle with my intrusive thoughts/feelings. Took a shower and I just had constant thoughts, (heart palpitations are pretty constant) ended up breaking down and bawling my eyes out. I was diagnosed with HOCD and ROCD about 2 months ago and since it's just gotten worse. It feels as real as it can get and after talking to my girlfriend about the anxiety attack, it feels even more real. I have no desire or enjoyment from what comes from my brain, and at this point I'm on my knees begging the big man upstairs for my old life back, how do I go from being obsessed with women (sexually and emotionally) to pretty much doing a 180 overnight (with the obvious anxiety and worry behind it. No real desire obviously). I'm just at a loss, I've done a little ERP and it seemed to help with the brain fog but besides that, everything that it does to someone, I have. And again there's the doubt I even have OCD and I'm in straight denial. It just sucks.
- Date posted
- 11w
First off - I’m sorry, I post here a lot. My thoughts are going to be scattered because I have the adhd/ocd/executive dysfunction wombo combo. Im so embarrassed I am THIS neurodivergent. I swear my brain couldn’t pick one struggle and settle with it. I’m not making these diagnoses quirky personality traits by any means, in fact, in this post im venting about how exhausting and embarassed I am living with a brain like this on the daily. I need to hear someone’s advice please. I love hearing everyone’s advice on posts because it’s so useful, and brings me back down to reality. Everyone on here gives advice so tastefully in a way where it doesn’t feed into the self reassurance compulsion, but it’s also been thorough and constructive enough where it’s reminded me to ground myself in a healthy way. I love seeing others helping others, it soothes me. This community has been so kind, and I’m so happy I found it. I wish I could ask more, but I have so many questions I think it’d drive everyone here crazy lol. I am doing erp therapy now, and it’s been teaching me so many amazing techniques. I’ve been making progress. However, I sometimes have my moments of vunerablity. I’ve been experiencing this especially now more than ever because I am going through a breakup. He did it through text after nearly 9 months together. I’d do anything for him and love him through anything, and he broke my heart when I least expected it. I’d make his bed for him multiple times, but I haven’t done that for myself in years. I’d sit with him for hours to watch and do anything he likes, but he’d never do the same and I’d never do the same for me. I’m also at fault because I was too scared to speak up so I let a lot of disrespect slide. Why did my ocd do that? Why does ocd make me people please even when I don’t want to? Why does OCD make me care so much about things that will never effect me (like wanting validation from a random person on the street and hoping they’ll think I’m pretty enough to look at), but then when it comes to my future or positive wellbeing (like focusing on college/doing well in classes/personal hygiene/health), forces me to not care/neglect myself and those needs? I don’t understand it. Ocd makes me think everything’s a setup or a trap. I can never believe that I am fine right where I want to be. Why am I so hard on myself? Why do I even think this much? I care and feel so deeply but it becomes unhealthy so fast because ocd makes me fixate and I stay there for a while. For some reason I let this breakup define my self worth. I let it topple into the ocd fear that I will never make it in life - that I won’t be successful, I’ll never get the career I want, the love I want, or the life I want. My OCD’s version of “logic” isn’t even logical. Yes, I understand how the breakup means feelings of low self worth which will then topple into feeling bad about other things. But why has my brain been wired to think this way? Why does it seem so easy for everyone else to function normally with life but not me? Honestly this is the first time in my life where I’m dedicated to focusing on myself and learning more about myself instead of others in my life and it’s a very odd and bizarre feeling. I’m excited of course, but I’m also scared. My ocd makes me ruminate like “what if I will never make the most of this life I’ve been given”, “what if I truly have no worth and the most I will ever be in other people’s lives is a background character”, “why do I care if I’m a background character or not? I should feel guilty and ignorant for assuming everyone will automatically like me”, “are people lying to me when they call me pretty, smart or kind?”, “I need to look and sound perfect in both pictures, videos and in real life. I will never be satisfied for accepting who I am now”, and a bunch of other annoying questions. But sometimes it’s like I just can’t take the reality for what it is but at the same time, but I also acknowledge that I know this is ocd talking. This is so, so difficult. Do I make any sense with what I’m saying? Can anyone help?
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