Tarot Cards

Hello all I'm a little bit of a wreck right now. Idk if any of y'all go through this but I would love to know I'm not the only one. My mind keeps trying to attribute all the bad things because of the holy Spirit. I would never say those things but I'm scared and confused. I'm scared I am pushing God away. Sometimes I get really scared because sometimes I don't care and it scares me. I'm nervous these thoughts are coming from me. And because of these thoughts I can't even thank the holy Spirit or feel safe. And because of these thoughts they make me doubt who I am as a person and it scares me. What if I'm asking for forgiveness and I don't mean it. What if I am doomed. Any responses would be nice I can't even cry properly anymore.

*PLEASE READ* I’ve been struggling with bad harm intrusive thoughts for a couple years now. They’ll go away for a couple of months then get triggered by something and start all over again. As much as I try to tell myself that I would never act on these thoughts I have a memory from when I was little that I was going to hurt my parents in their sleep and that memory has haunted me till now. Of course I didn’t hurt them but I thought it and I feel so guilty about it today that it makes me sick to my stomach. I love my parents so much and would never want to hurt them or anybody. I just want these thoughts to go away because they don’t line up with my values of who I am. But every time I tell myself that my thoughts are not facts that memory pops up making me feel like an awful person. I feel right now as if I don’t deserve any love from anyone because of these thoughts. I’m a believer of God and I feel as if I don’t deserve his love as well and that he has given up on me. These thoughts have also turned into a new theme of being scared I’m actually crazy and going into a psychosis. I’m just so scared and just want to be normal. As much as I tell myself ocd lies to you these thoughts have really scared me and I haven’t felt like myself in days. I’ve also struggled with health anxiety and intrusive suicidal thoughts. I know seeking reassurance isn’t good but I’m so scared.

I don’t know what to do, I feel so lost and feel like I’m losing my mind… I don’t know what to do, I am still getting the terrible thoughts of “God is telling you to kill someone” and I’m literally mid panic attack, I keep trying to reason with logic because it even says in the 10 commandments “thou shall not murder.” So I don’t even know why I’m getting these thoughts… ugh… people say that intrusive thoughts trigger things you care about the most, which mine would be Jesus & the people around me, which is why I get the harm OCD about people I care about the most.. someone recently said that I could be schizophrenic and now I’m terribly worried that I could have that.. I am so terribly afraid of becoming “crazy” and doing horrible things… can someone please give me tips to help this, and or message me?