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This is really hard for me to post and put out here, I'm not diagnosed with OCD, I just recently started talk therapy. But when I was a child my mom speculated because I had OCD. Because I would have compulsions from intrusive thoughts that always stemmed around SA. Everything for me gets stuck in a record player and a spiral and I can't stop. This is a really concerning and disturbing one, so I thought I would warn again if the topic seems too much for many people. I just recently learned about false memeory OCD and its the only explanation I can come up with right now. I've never shared an intrusive thought out loud but this one is too much. I have been in a really intense spiral lately, where I keep having these extremely vivid memeories of me sexually assaulting people not in my body like I'm sleep walking. It's extremely disturbing and I've convinced myself I have this sort of alter identity or a sleep disorder that is violent. Ive looked up a bunch of disorders like that. I asked a few people if I sleep walk but they don't remember me ever doing something like that, but what if they somehow surpressed a memeory too? I want to bring this up to my therapist, but I have been afraid to because it is so much and a spiral that has lasted for the course of months now and I have ruined my mental health and relationships because of it. I am extremely paranoid that everyone is lying to me or plotting to hurt me. But not because I think they are bad, but because I believe I deserve it. It got to the point where I now have memories of people trying to tell me I am creepy and that I had done things to SA them, along with memories of people talking while I'm not in the room about it. And I genuinely can't tell if it's real or not because I swear they are actual events that I just never put too much thought into in the past or completely dissociated from. (My main response to anything too much or difficult is to dissociate.) It's actually concerning me and the people around me because if it's true then I don't think I should be around society. I don't eat right, I'm too afraid to sleep without my door locked, I am unemployed with no sense of direction out of highschool because of it. It all stemmed from a surpressed memeory , witch who knows is real now, where my ex calls me and tells me I assaulted him, and that he was going to get me back, and that he had spread explicit photos of me. Now I genuinely feel like there is evidence to back up this because he brings up all my coworkers I had at the time, and I have memories of them making strange comments to me. If I somehow assaulted this guy without having an ounce of social awareness of what I was doing was assault then I feel like I absolutely deserve every ounce of mental spiral that is consuming me and worse. And I don't know how to stop this. And I'm afraid if I tell my therapist she might put me in a hospital and my family just doesn't have the money for that, and neither do I as an individual. The guilt would consume me. But I'm pretty sure I have no choice at this point. Because anouther "memory" resurfaced where I took a nightmare I had a long time ago and somehow turned it into me being Sexually assaulted by my father this time, and now I can't look at him or my family without absolute disgust. And I have "memories" of my family trying to talk to me about it but I completely forgot the event and processed it like a dream. I can't tell if something really creepy is actually happening or not but I'm starting to think it is because the way my brother acts around my family is weird but it could be my paranoia and the fact I have been freaking out everyone around me with my mental health. Either way I need to tell a professional because if I DID hurt my ex seriously, I need to take every ounce of accountability. But I don't wanna confess to a memory I don't even fully understand myself. I thought about contacting him several times and asking him if I have ever caused pain, but he blocked me and I feel like that crosses boundaries he has clearly set. Also I don't want to put this mental crisis on any other people, because my family is already freaked out enough. After writing this all out I'm starting to believe I really should force myself to tell my therapist no matter the consequences, I just feel like I need to admit this to a someone to get over my fear of saying it all out loud. Because everyday and every night I keep being plagued by these unwanted flashes of either me being hurt or me hurting other people In really disturbing and terrible ways. and it feels completely real with like context I've made to back it up. Am I unconsciously creepy? I'm just afraid I've become my worse fear and I was it without knowing my whole life.

18+ When I was in high school (16 or 17), I hung out with the popular kids of school... they send me this popular girl (who was in our school) explicit photo on snap because I was curious to see it... after I turned 19, I suddenly remembered my friends sent the photo and asked them to delete it off of the chat, as I didn't want to be in possession of any form of illegal material... Fast forward to later... my friend had broken up with his ex and wanted to send us explicit pics of her... curious at the time, I asked to see it and he sent the group (including me) some pictures... Now that Im 24, I remember him sending these pics and asked him to take down the pics in our snapchat convo... I didnt want any pics of their ex because this was harmful content... my friend, (the one who sent our friend group explicit vids and pics of his ex) told me that there was a one month period between him and her when they were in a relationship where he was 18 and she was 17 )... they were together for 1-2 years... and they were explicit throughout their whole relationship ... including the one month period... so i was getting extremely anxious and triggered about him sending me potentially illegal stuff... i think i misheard him say she was 17... but i cant remember if he said this or not... I asked him several times over the course of three days after he casually admitted he had a 1 month age period with her, (he was 18 and she was 17 during that one month) if she was over 18 when he made those videos, and he kept giving me answers like "Yes" And "It was a month after she turned 18..." He even got frustrated on the second day of me asking and said "Dude, this is the 10th time you've asked me and yes she was." On the third day I asked him, he said "yeah" when i said his previous comments of "a month after she turned 18, right?" back to him, and he even added that "we started getting more explicitly active around this time." He also told me "Even if she was under the age of 18, you wouldn't be in trouble because you were sent it." Yesterday, I called him again and apologized for asking so much... to which he responded... "I was hoping you'd realize this has been excessive..." But then I asked him if she really was 18 in those videos or not... he got frustrated and said... "Dude, you cant keep apologizing over and over, before asking me again..." Still, I asked him to confirm it for me one last time, to which he replied... "She was 18 in those videos..." I keep getting anxious because I dont know if he's lying or not and its triggering me really bad, not to mention feeling guilty about the harm I had caused... I genuinely feel so guilty and awful about this... I hurt people... and I cant sleep at night knowing I did... People say you make mistakes when you were a teen... these were some of my mistakes... I genuinely feel horrible and I cant sleep at night knowing the guilt of my actions are still there... I genuinely feel awful... I hope people dont hate me after reading this... i hope you dont block me... you've all been so genuinely kind and encouraging to me... and I dont want to lose someone who cares about me on here... (edited)

fyi: [x] - feared identity So I've had OCD for a while now and even though I'm on a different theme than I was, I find that I sometimes feel indifferent or numb to an act that is completely immoral, especially after desensitizaton and learning that there is nothing that I need to do about the thoughts. I even ask myself "What if one of my friends turned out to be [x]?" and instead of immediately saying "I'm completely cutting ties and never looking at them the same way again" I'm like "..that wouldn't be great, I'd stop talking to them but also encourage them to get help.". Pure OCD for some odd reason made me feel empathy for even the worst, most evil people - not that it excuses their actions, or makes them any less evil, but then it also took that and made me panic about it: "What if you're becoming antisocial?" "What if you're on your way to degeneration?" "Why do you not care as much as you used to?" "Are you corrupt?" "Are you [x]?" "Only [x] would feel empathy for [x]." "Are you justifying these actions?". I feel like it is concerning, it does feel like I'm ignoring something that goes against my values, or that I have lost all values and I'm just a bad person. Especially when I get arousal nonconcordance or GRs: "Maybe I'm just traumatized, maybe I'm okay" turns into "You're okay.. with what? With becoming aroused by these things at all? Have you lost your mind? What's next, you're gonna act on these thoughts and say "Oh I'm traumatized?"", and I don't know whether it's logical or not. When I started with sexual intrusive thoughts I immediately found them disturbing and horrifying, and now after ERP and just living with the disorder for so long I'm almost numb... it feels terrible. It feels like I'm justifying or have become legitimately okay with untolerable, horrible behavior, and I feel like that says something about who I am really. I feel like that makes me dangerously close to acting on the thoughts, or that the thoughts were an indication of some repressed desire all along, even when I know there's no evidence towards that... or is there? Pure OCD has convinced me I'm in denial about something horrible many times before, mainly by utilizing my reaction and moral stance around the intrusive thoughts. I still feel like "If I panic when I have these thoughts, that means I'm not [x] and I'm fine."; "If I'm disgusted by the idea of acting on these thoughts, then I'm fine"; "As long as I don't respond the wrong way to the thoughts, I'm fine".. so what happens when you're told not to react to the thoughts at all? Or on the other hand, not to try and analyze a reaction? Panic. Cognitive dissonance: "Something's wrong, I'm not reacting how I'm supposed to". At the end of the day, I really hope I'm not [x], I really do. I can't imagine not only living with the title of [x], but also with the insane levels of distress that title would cause because for all I know, I'm not really [x]. But I could be, like I don't know if I'm not, and even though I'd rather not be [x] I have to somehow accept uncertainty I guess. That's what I've been told to do - but I feel like it's backfiring. I feel like I'm either a) recovering and meta-obsessing, b) I'm still in poor insight OCD and I'm not actually [x] c) I'm [x] and in denial / having OCD about a real issue Speaking of insight, it tends to come and go but it's been poor for most of the time, even after I learned about OCD.