My OCD that I am a bad person, a racist, a homophobe, etc. is ruining my life because literally EVERYTHING is a trigger. This has been a hard quarantine because I am unable to escape my thoughts.

I can’t do this anymore. My ocd convinces me I’m a racist, a psychopath, a weirdo. I hate myself so much I don’t even know if I have ocd or I’m just a terrible person. I need help and I can’t get any.

This ocd has been keeping me up at night Causing me anxiety and I’m so worried that when I become tired I keep myself awake because my final thoughts before I fall asleep are saying that I’ve been in denial and that it’s not ocd and it’s just an excuse I’ve been using. My HO-OCD main trigger at the moment is the fact that a friend came out as bisexual and since then I’ve been having this unwanted thoughts of being bisexual and liking them but I don’t and these thoughts make me want to cry and make me so deflated because I don’t want it to be true. Another thing is in my head when I go to sleep I used to make up scenarios in my head to help me go to sleep better and it would always be about getting into a relationship with a boy since before my OCD stresser that’s all I wanted and who I was 100% attracted too, I’d have crushes on boys my whole life. But since having OCD I think of scenarios of falling asleep next to my future husband for example and my head tells me I’m not attracted to them and I get anxiety being around them but then in real life being around men bring me happiness, comfort and safety that I don’t feel with females but my brain tells me otherwise. I also keep seeing TikTok’s which trigger me saying that you’ve never had a crush you’ve just got attached to a boy because they showed you attention and you have attachment issues which causes me anxiety and doesn’t help with my struggle with my identity because it fuels my OCD. I also have contamination OCD and mine focuses on people, so I can’t share food or drinks and I’ve got to bring hand sanitizer with me everywhere to wipe things down after someone has touched them but that also affects me when going on dates with boys because when it comes to holding hands or kissing (especially with tongue 🤢) it triggers my contamination OCD because it’s telling me that they are dirty and full of germs and they aren’t clean and you don’t know where there hands or mouth has been. This also triggers my HO-OCD because I panic when I kiss a boy it’s telling me I don’t like it so I must not like boys. It’s got to the point where it’s so convincing I feel like im never going to get into a relationship because im also super awkward and shy which makes everything worse because I feel like I ruin every moment. I feel like im unable to love someone or trust someone fully.

God it's genuinely the worst thing ever. Even tho it's bad to do this I can easily dispute racist tendencies and takes, so I do that in my mind. It's like having Pierce Hawthorne from Community in my brain where I can easily go "Shut up Pierce" The issue tho for some reason. I begin to get mini panic attacks noticing people of color now. It originally was because ofc I was scared of being racist and it was trying to trick me into being afraid of them. But now something's changed. While obviously I can tell myself ik I'm not racist and not do racist things, The thoughts and feelings keep trying to tell me the most racist things. Another thing when I first learned I had it was that my compulsion was watching and making sure I like posts of POC. Obviously there's nothing inherently wrong ig with doing this but it does eventually border the line of tokenism for the soul ig, and that's not how people want to be represented. For some reason it feels like I'm doing it simply to feel better about myself, which maybe isn't inherently bad now that I think about it. I genuinely always wanna make sure people be heard. But now, I can't tell when I have a preference or not. Like whenever I want to click on a video with a POC, I'm asking myself, am I doing this as a compulsion, or because I genuinely would like this content. I tried to stop doing compulsions to maybe make some exposures but I can't tell anymore. Obviously my apologies to minority communities my brain won't shut up and it's twisting my heart and I wanna get better but it keeps getting worse.