ocdsvcks

Date posted: 5y

when i was 7 years old, i sexually experimented but with my brother who was three years younger than me. nothing terrible happened and nothing was forced. i sat on his lap and i moved my hips in a sexual way for like 5 seconds. i didn’t know that it was wrong at the time, i was just a very curious child. that was 12 years ago and ever since then i’ve regretted it with every ounce of my being and it made me feel disgusting because it doesn’t align with my values at all. but recently, it has turned into real event ocd. i cant stop feeling immense guilt over this thinking i molested my brother and how shameful i feel about it. i feel so disgusting and i don’t think i’ve ever felt more suicidal than i do now.

Fathomable

Date posted: 5y

This kind of thing is *unbelievably* common. But you're not going to feel any better by canvassing all the other stories. Even with real event OCD, ERP is pretty much the answer. You can survive feeling awful about this and staying with that until it does eventually reduce. It's good for our fears to sometimes know facts, like that this is common or that tasting blood when you puked doesn't mean you have internal bleeding or that guilt and self blame after going through a trauma is near enough universal. Facts are good, we need them to get an idea of where we stand in the world. But you don't need minutiae or to be reminded or to remind yourself that this is common. You got reassurance from the reply here which brought you down from severe anxiety and rumination, and that's bad for you. You already have heard before that this kind of thing happens a lot, it wasn't that you didn't know the facts and needed input, it's that you felt guilty and anxious anyway and wanted to hear somebody else put your memory into that category because you fear that it's an exception and a reflection on you. Habituate to the anxiety, and let yourself process the guilt too. If you don't let the guilt happen and pass back away again before you try to assure yourself of comforting things, then what you understand to be most likely true won't feel true and you'll keep going into spirals analysing your motivations and whether you knew better etc. You've said the reasons why your intrusive worry is wrong, you clearly know the facts but they don't feel true enough to cancel out the OCD guilt, as Katie was saying the other day.

ocdsvcks

Date posted: 5y

thank u so much. i was honestly too afraid to speak about it because i didn’t know that this was common at all which is why i felt so sick to my stomach thinking about why i would ever do that. but my mind incessantly told me that i molested my brother. but thank u, im gonna try to sit with the anxiety. what do u recommend i should say to the thoughts or the memory/guilt when it pops up? cause i know ur supposed to agree with it but how would that look in this situation?

Fathomable

Date posted: 5y

@ocdsvcks "maybe I am a molester and this is who I am", "maybe I knew exactly what I was doing", "maybe I damaged my brother", "maybe I would be judged about this". Basically a "yes, maybe" to whatever pops up for you, without starting to actually try to work out whether it's true. It's going to feel shitty, but you can do it. I do ERP by noticing when I'm triggered by the sensations in my body and then just keeping my focus in my body and on those sensations. It prevents me from having the opportunity to reassure myself, and it's less overwhelming. If I'm accidentally engaging with the thought, I bring my focus back to the feelings and remind myself that now is ERP/feeling time, not thinking time. I really lean into the physical feelings, and when they're starting to fade or I'm getting bored and my mind wanders onto something non-OCD, I re-trigger myself. Rinse and repeat. Just do it in a safe comfortable place when you've got a good few hours to yourself, with nice food etc. It's horrible to have to do but for me, it allows me to be able to address a topic later without the intense anxiety which causes my emotional reasoning.

Fathomable

Date posted: 5y

@ocdsvcks I find "maybe" works just as well as agreeing with it, it sparks the same panic without so much temptation to instinctively defend yourself or solve it.

ocdsvcks

Date posted: 5y

@Scoggy okay so basically, whenever i get triggered, instead of doing a compulsion i should focus on my anxiety and let my self feel it while also repeating the may be may be not phrases in my head? and also, when do i know that i should stop doing this?

Fathomable

Date posted: 5y

@ocdsvcks Better to say maybe than "maybe, maybe not" really, because you do need to trigger the actual fear and the fear is that it might be true, not that it might be true and might be false. Also you probably don't need to repeat the phrase at all, I never do, we're not doing a magic spell. Just bring your mind back to that possibility of it being true if you find you've gotten bored, the aim is to keep triggering the anxiety and processing it in the body.

ocdsvcks

Date posted: 5y

@Scoggy okay got it. i heard when u get bored of ur exposure that means u have to stop though?

Fathomable

Date posted: 5y

@ocdsvcks For me, I use the moment to re trigger myself so that I get more done at once. I guess you don't have to. Getting hung up on the detail can be a way of avoiding actually doing it

Fathomable

Date posted: 5y

@ocdsvcks You certainly don't "have to" stop when you get bored lol

ocdsvcks

Date posted: 5y

@Scoggy okay gotcha!! thank u so so so much this helped me a lot!

Quite Unknown

Date posted: 5y

Ocdsucks are you male or female ? Don't want to tell you I'm just curious. This event was completely harmless but you already know that.

ocdsvcks

Date posted: 5y

i’m a female

ocdsvcks

Date posted: 5y

it’s like the more i analyze the memory the more questions pop up like, how long did it last? we’re u really that young? did u orgasm? like it makes me sick to my stomach

Quite Unknown

Date posted: 5y

Further questions coming up is very typical for OCD. OCD never gets enough. It is insatiable. It is very perfidious. It tricks you giving the feeling if you only answer this last question then everything will be fine. But it won't be because like I said all OCD is an insatiable monster. The only way to get to use is to give up the topic without investigating any further. The problem is that OCD won't let you go this easy and will try to get you back to the topic. Sometimes medications can make it easier to get away from it.

ocdsvcks

Date posted: 5y

i wanna try medication so badly. i heard abilify works rlly well. i just hate having this anxiety at all times cause it makes me feel like shit

Quite Unknown

Date posted: 5y

use=peace

Quite Unknown

Date posted: 5y

Yes medication is not that bad. does not change your personality or something like that like some people like to say. It will make it easier to with stand OCD. The first line medication for OCD are serotonin reuptake inhibitor s ( SSRI)

ocdsvcks

Date posted: 5y

once i get a therapist, i’m gonna see if i can get on an SSRI. i heard that it basically makes ur symptoms manageable so that therapy is more doable

Quite Unknown

Date posted: 5y

Yes indeed, it is said to be the most effective approach.

ocdsvcks

Date posted: 5y

good because i rlly don’t think i can live with the guilt and shame. i feel like suicide is my old option sometimes cause it’s just so overwhelming. i don’t wanna die, i just want to stop suffering. are u being treated for ur ocd?

Quite Unknown

Date posted: 5y

It is really heartbreaking to see you suffer and feeling bad about an incident that is nothing, not even worth one second to think about. From here it looks like you are being harassed by a bully trying to talk you into that you are a bad person. The question is: would you really started discussion with this bully in real life or try to persuade him you are not well knowing that this is what I get this energy from ? Wouldn't it be better to tell him: "oh yes whatever maybe I even am a bad girl now f*** Off OCD and let me continue living my life. Can you try that ?

ocdsvcks

Date posted: 5y

it’s so painful i can’t even describe it. even though multiple people have told me that this was normal and common, my brain keeps trying to convince me that i’m a disgusting child molester and that i need to be locked up and i’m unworthy of love and can’t be trusted. literally even talking to my boyfriend is a trigger cause my mind is like “u don’t deserve to be loved you’re a sick and twisted monster” even though i know none of that was my intention and i was just a child but i can’t help but feel this immense guilt that i cant even describe its literally taking over my life

Quite Unknown

Date posted: 5y

Exactly

ocdsvcks

Date posted: 5y

by the way we were both fully clothed

ocdsvcks

Date posted: 5y

i also keep getting intrusive worries like “u knew it was wrong because u did it while ur parents weren’t home” but it’s like, i only did that because i knew sex was wrong. i didn’t know that i wasn’t supposed to experiment with my brother. i feel so so fucking guilty. this doesn’t align with who i am at all

Quite Unknown

Date posted: 5y

Scoggy very well written. Full of wisdom. chapeau.

Quite Unknown

Date posted: 5y

Tell=trigger

Quite Unknown

Date posted: 5y

No I try myself. But we we please please try SSRI. It can really take the pressure off those thoughts. Suddenly don't even have to make any effort to get rid of them. They move more into the background. You need some pressure taken off you. And they do not change the personality at all. You have to throw everything against OCD.

Quite Unknown

Date posted: 5y

This guilt and shame you feel if FAKE. I know it feels real but it is fake. It is OCD in disguise.

Quite Unknown

Date posted: 5y

if=is

Quite Unknown

Date posted: 5y

I= he

Quite Unknown

Date posted: 5y

And the reality is that it is not worth to think about it even for one second. You have to work to this point. Every second you think about it will make it worse and everytime you manage not to give in will make it better. Every time when that or any thought relate d to this topic comes in, mark it as OCD and try to cut off any dealing with it as early and hard as possible. Ist also means no more reassurance from others no trying to find out no analyzing nothing cut off and do something else. this will be hard first but it will get easier over time. And try meds.

ocdsvcks

Date posted: 5y

thank you. i keep trying to remind my self that if i could live with this before, i can live with it now. it’s just ocd trying to convince me of something. thank u

danielllll

Date posted: 20w

Feeling extremely guilty and don’t know what to do

I think I know what honestly is what caused my OCD. I’ve never told anyone this but I have to if I want help. When I was either 10 or 11, I think 10 I was at my family’s thanksgiving dinner. Around this time I discovered porn and got addicted. I would watch porn and read erotica. Because of this I guess I wanted to experiment. I feel absolutely horrible just thinking about this but I was playing around with my little cousin, he was around 7 I think and I remember we were playing chase or hide and seek, and I grabbed him and hugged him (something I never done before), and got a boner. I did this for pleasure. That’s all I did that was sexual but I feel so horrible. I try to give myself grace as I was only 10 and didn’t know the consequences of something so disgusting. I keep thinking “what if I went farther and hurt him?”. I talk to him sometimes and he seems comfortable with me and I think he doesn’t even remember this ever happened and just thought I hugged him for some reason all those years ago. I am NOT attracted to him at all but I think this incident and remembering it when I was 14 has caused my OCD such as POCD for all these years. I am 18 now but I feel absolutely horrible. And now it’s even worse because I have been invited to his 15th birthday party in Mexico. I’m traveling all the way to another country just to be near him! Obviously I know I won’t touch him or be innopropriate with him. But what if he has felt uncomfortable with me all this time? He seems fine with me and not uncomfortable around me but still. If I feel as if I go to this trip, I am a horrible person. I don’t know what to do. Am I a horrible person for what I did and continuing to be around him? I remember reading Reddit and Quora stories of similar people who felt horrible and people told them to not feel bad as they were only children and they learned and now know that was wrong and that to not tell anyone as it could only make things extremely awkward.Please help. I know COCSA is a very serious topic that harms people and I feel like a horrible perpetrator now.

isharemycigs

Date posted: 18w

What do I do

when I was 15 soon to turn 16, I met this girl in a IG group chat made by our mutual friends. We started talking and eventually we started flirting and talking sexual towards each other, though eventually we stopped talking because she was being really weird. A couple months later In July of 2024 my friend found out that she was actually 13 and that she lied to me about her age. It's been 10 months since l've found out and I still feel so disgusted in myself. I had my suspicions at the time but I let them go since she said she was 16 turning 17. I was completely oblivious trusting someone I only knew online especially since i've never seen their face either. i'm struggling on what to do since i've been suffering with POCD since I was 15. Till this day I still feel weird and disgusted in myself because of that. But it feels ironic since i'm sexualizing someone that's 2 years younger than me and I waited to confirm she was around my age range to sexualize her. I feel so weird and guilty about it idk what to do

Givenup

Date posted: 12w

Something truly horrible

What if you did something so extremely awful and truly horrible as a child but you didn’t know how horrible the events were that your POCD and real events OCD targets? Does it make the intrusive thoughts true? The POCD real events were extremely awful and horrible... no way around... it genuinely was extremely awful and horrible... I gag and v0mit even thinking about it... its that horrible... I'm getting anxious from my POCD and real event OCD based on real events (3 times) from when I was 14... I had a surface level idea of what these real events were when I was 14... but I didnt understand nor truly know the depth and consequences or how horrible these real events were... I don't ever want to ever be a P at all… I don't ever want to ever be a Chomo at all... i don’t ever want to ever be a rapist at all… I was 14 when these real events happened and now I'm 23... I've asked my mom about this so many times and every time she tells me that it's not serious anymore, that the person is okay and doesnt remember, and that I'm not a rapist or a P or a chomo... I didn’t realize how horrible the real events actually were… I was 14 at the time… now I’m 23… my POCD and real event OCD call me a P or a chomo because of the real events… while my mom reassures me all the time that it’s all over, that it’s not serious anymore, that the person is okay, and that I’m not a P or a rapist or a chomo, but when I was doing compulsive research, I remember when I saw a post on a non OCD forum about someone’s similar situation to mine and two people said to the person that they m*lested and that they needed to turn themselves in… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way shape or form… i didn’t know how horrible the real events were when I was 14… I really didn’t… and after the real events I never did anything like that ever again, and I never once ever thought (before, and after) about doing stuff with kids in any way shape or form... I never once fantasized about kids or wanted to do anything with kids… I was 14 and didn’t realize how horrible the actions were at the time and I never did it ever again… I never once fantasized about kids before or after the real event… I don't ever want to ever harm a child in any way shape or form... I seriously don't ever want to do that to any child in any way shape or form and I seriously don't ever want to do anything like that to any kid now or in the future… I never have had any fantasies about kids and I don't ever want to... I don't ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way shape or form... I was 14….. and after the real events I never did anything like that ever again, and I never once ever thought (before, and after) about doing stuff with kids in any way shape or form... I never once fantasized about kids or wanted to do anything with kids… I was 14 and didn’t realize how horrible the actions were at the time and I never did it ever again… I never once fantasized about kids before or after the real event… And it’s comparing me to actual P’s and chomo’s who did stuff from 12-15 and then did stuff as adults, and making me think I’m a P and a Chomo because of it… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way… 😭😭😭 I had a surface level idea of what these real events were when I was 14 because someone told me what these real events were before... but I didnt understand nor truly know the depth and consequences or how horrible these real events were... i truly didnt... I dont ever want to ever be what my pocd and real events ocd say I am... I dont ever want to be a P or a Chomo in any way... im so so scared... these real events were so extremely horrible and awful and worse than people realize... i g4g and v0mit and lie awake at night even thinking about them... thats how horrible and awful these mistakes were... I dont ever want to ever be a P or a MAP or a Chomo or a r4pist or anything like that... im so so so so so so so so so so triggered and scared and anxious... I also did something at the age of 13 that was horrible... they asked me if i did it or not, but me being 13 and not knowing what i did was wrong and horrible, i denied it because i was scared... ive lived in guilt for so long... i dont love myself... and I genuinely cant stomach the idea that im still here... I feel so guilty and horrible...

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