- Username
- Anonymous
- Date posted
- 4y ago
these are just intrusive thoughts! You cannot control what just pops up into your mind and usually intrusive thoughts are to do with things that offend you and things that you’d never want to do and things that do not align with your values and beliefs. When you get these thoughts just stop take a deep breathe and then carry on with what you was going. The more time you give these thoughts the stronger and more frequent they will get but if you give them less time they will get weaker and less frequent! I hope things get easier :)
Thanks a lot of the reply. Felt better after reading your comment.
how do you ignore them when they’re causing you so much distress
I’ve never related more to a post in my life ? literally everything you said I deal with the same thing. It’s debilitating some days but you’re brave because I have not been brave enough to tell anyone about it besides online here. It’s so reassuring to hear that it’s normal and that I’m not alone in this. I’ve had periods of thought where I convince myself I’m crazy and I start to become suicidal just because I convince myself that if I’m not here then I can’t hurt anyone. I’ll start to convince myself that I secretely want to hurt people and I need to die so I don’t do it. It’s so so scary living with this condition.
@awkwardturtle Same, how are you now?
@awkwardturtle 100% feel the same way. It’s like word for word reading this post! It made me feel relieved when I read it even though I’ve been dealing with this for 6 months now and have had MANY ups and downs of where one week I’m fine and the next I’m not. But it honestly helps so much to hear that others are having these experiences which only validates that it is harm OCD or other subtypes. I know my therapist says that OCD is the doubt disorder so hearing people’s stories helps “debunk” any doubts that something worse is wrong with us. At least for me. Thank you both for being vulnerable and sharing your experiences. It really does help others like myself.
Hi, I read your story and I just want you to know that you are not alone. Although I’m dealing with more of just Self-Harm OCD (Which is the same experience you’ve described except they’re about hurting myself), I know many individuals struggling with Harm OCD and their stories are very similar to yours if not the same. It’s good that you have this app because you’ll start to better understand yourself and how these thoughts are unwanted and mean nothing. Make sure to start therapy if possible and make sure your therapist is specialized in OCD so that you may start doing ERP and get on meds if needed. I’m here if you want to talk!
Hey! Can we talk?
I have this same thing. Everything you described. I’m so sorry I know how awful and debilitating it is ... if you’d like to talk I’m here!
Honestly that is so nice to hear as weird as that sounds that I’m not the only one dealing with these thoughts! Honestly the random “I wanna hurt her” or “I wanna kill her” thoughts scared the living day lights out of me. We will get through it!
@Zoë We will. I get that too. I’ve had it on and off for years!!!! Feel free to reach out :)
Thank you so much for replying. I feel a bit more at ease now I know I’m not the only one getting these thoughts. I’ll be here for you too if you need to talk !
I have harm ocd too. I’ve felt some of your fears you’ve shared too in my ways also dealing with my ocd
Hi All, I have been having these intrusive thoughts for like a week now and I don’t know how they’ve started and why but it started all of a sudden and this random thought pops up in my mind to hurt someone especially my girlfriend. I’m like why the hell would you do that?!!! I live with my girlfriend and we’ve been together for 5 years now and will be getting married next year. I love her more than anything in the world and i would never ever hurt her. I just have no freaking clue why these random violent thoughts pop up!! I tell myself these are just stupid thoughts and don’t mean anything and tell myself i’m fine but it’s hard to stop thinking about thoughts. Although it’s good to know there are people who have these kinda thoughts too. I’m having a 15 minute call tomorrow so looking forward to it.
Hi, I replied to your comment underneath. I hope u can see it
@Vikaspratap I have this thought too it’s so fucked up! This thought “kill someone” pops into my head and it’s living hell. I am such a kind person and would never do such a thing. OCD is hell. It plays on your worst fears.
You are not alone! My brain keeps telling me “kill yourself” or “kill someone” and it is like living hell because I would never ever act on these thoughts. They started as mental images like yours then turned into word type thoughts because I was scared of having them/that I was psychotic for having these thoughts pop into my head. I know it’s all anxiety but I just can’t get out of this loop of thinking I could go mad because of these thoughts
Hi everyone, this is probably going to be long, so sorry for that I need some assurance.. Im going mad I don't see a doctor in 15 years because I thought that whatever I end up having I get better or I just die, so I have no ideia If I have OCD. But you know what Im afraid.. Being a pedophile. Im 30, and a week ago I was living my normal life and suddenly out of nowhere I get a horrrible thought.. Hurting a child. I realize that and start thinking what the hell, why did that pop in my head? And start analyzing it over and over in my head and I began being overwhelmed with thoughts of hurting children, and I worried more and more, couldnt stop thinking about it.. I barely slept that night When I woke up, the thoughts slowly came back but worse, now it was sexual related.. And thats when my life truly became hell on earth. These thoughts/images were pretty much in mind all the time and anything would trigger, sometimes not even a trigger is needed, they just appear and get stuck in my head.. Like there was two me in my mind. And without realizing, I started doubting myself.. Will I ever hurt children? Am I evil? Am I.. a pedo? I started walking inside my house randomly when it gets really bad, shaking my feet or legs when sitting, and I check my penis all the time now.. I even compare the size it is and sometimes if its even 1cm longer, I panic and do it all over again.. mind you I never got an erection.. I even torture myself thinking about these thoughts just to check and it pains me, makes me feel physically sick even. These things are pretty much automatic, I do them without even realizing it sometimes. I argue with myself in my mind, i seek comfort in memories but they are somewhat changed making me doubt even more.. I avoid thinking about my niece that I love and miss so much, just so these horrific images/thoughts don't show her. My head feels so heavy, like its about to explode, I thought about killing myself, I avoid children, just the mere mention of one makes me anxious and worried.. What if Im really a pedo? What if I end up hurting children? What if? What if? Always what ifs.. But then I get the thought that I am a pedo and have to accept it and I argue with that thought trying to prove its wrong and the reasons.. And so on and on I don't even masturbate anymore with these thoughts popping in my head I never had these thoughts before, always loved women and their body and never had thoughts about children like that in my life. My life was always a mess, depression, backstabs from people I trusted, anti-social and social awkward, emptyness, and so on... But then my niece was born and she was like a light in that sent my hollowness away.. She is 7 and she is a part of my life since she was born, we are very close.. Im not even joking when I say that when she was little, she would cry if I had to leave, but she wouldn't if her dad or mom went away as long as she was with me.. she gave my life a meaning, made me feel like someone important in this world and I vowed to protect her at all costs.. And now I am afraid if she comes near me, I am afraid she will think I don't love her.. Its breaking my heart just thinking about it.. She is the most important person to me in the world.. And now I need to protect her.. From me.. I cry everyday, I cant find comfort anywhere, I argue with myself all the time, I feel a demon.. Or even worse than that.. I honestly just want it to end, I pray for that everyday.. I can honestly say that this is and will always be the worst thing that happened to me and Im 100% sure of it. This is hell on earth for me, I would rather be dead, crazy, a killer, whatever.. I dont know for how long I can endure this.. Its pretty hard, trust me.. I cant enjoy what little life I had before.. I just want to die, I even told God to just kill me cause I cant take it anymore.. And its been only one week of this.. Ever since my hell started, I do google searches regarding these thoughts everyday and try to find some comfort and yesterday I posted my situation on a YouTube video of a girl talking about POCD and I felt much better that night.. Like I was me again, didnt have any of these thoughts but I could hear a low voice in my head all the time saying that I should worry, are you a pedo? You are a pedo, etc.. But I ignored it and it was a relief.. I always thought my life before this was baby, but that night my previous life looked like the best thing ever.. I was so happy, I thought about my niece clearly without any random shit that my brains decides to pop added, I cried, I thanked god, I thought I was myself again.. But then I woke up.. And for a while these thoughts and images were trying to gain control but I stood strong for a while.. And now Im here.. I lost the battle.. So.. Can I have some kind of OCD or am I just a monster? Please be honest.. Cause if I end up being indeed a pedo, I will make sure I will never see my niece again, never be near kids or watch shows with them, I will tell my family about the monster I am and will seek castration or something. BTW, like yesterday, talking about it is making me feel better.
I wish I hadn’t have deliberately imagined the the thoughts to test myself. It feels like I’ve confused myself and now there’s no answers. I think while testing myself with these thoughts to see how I would react, I was hoping I would have a strong negative reaction to them with bad anxiety, which did happen but somehow I’ve confused myself into thinking the anxiety made the thought feel like an urge and my body went into fight or flight mode and now I’m thinking that reaction was me liking the feeling of doing that horrible thing in my thought. Now every time I have an intrusive thought and I get anxiety, I no longer feel like it’s anxiety and instead think it’s me desperate to do that because I l understood what it feels like and now I want to do that. Before i deliberately imagined the thoughts and got myself in this mess I would just brush all thoughts off as intrusive and felt okay but now I’ve got myself in this tangled mess of no answers, and it’s more scary than ever because I’m mistaking my own feelings. I feel so sick to the core that I’ve started believing that I like the feeling of doing that and this has all happened because of experimenting with the thoughts in my mind. I’m worried what if I’ve understood something I shouldn’t have and now I want to carry those evil things out but I’m not bad at the same time or the main thing that worries me. When it feels like an urge it feels like that’s about to happen and I keep thinking what if I’m desperate to do that and I’m the future I give in and it’s horrible, how did my life become like this.out of all the intrusive thoughts I’ve ever had this is the worst thing, I was saying it out loud to my dad for the first time yesterday ‘I imagined doing that to test myself and now It feels like I like the feeling of doing that’ and it just sounded so strange like what am I even saying what am I voicing out, what the hell is going on, how did my life get like this, I definitely must be confusing my feelings, I mean is that a thing? Can you have false feelings or can you confuse your feelings and feel like you like imagining something. I know that I don’t want to do that I hate it it’s disgusting but my anxiety and feelings are making me feel like I like imaging doing that and when I get an urge with an intrusive thought it feels like I would like the feeling of doing that, how can I like the feeling of doing something I have never done and that I am crying everyday about and is making me feel so terrible, I’m so confused, I mean people on here say ‘ocd tries to convince me I like the thoughts’ but idk if mine is ocd or me, because it feels like my feelings are making me convinced or that, what if it’s true? I feel so terrible. This problem all started because of this horrible documentary I watched but the man who done the evil things was living a normal life he was married and had kids and suddenly killed them and then I started worrying because why was he living a normal life then did that. I use to think the normal things I do mean that I’m not bad but now I’m thinking what if living a normal life you can still be bad 😞😞😞😞
It started a month ago on vacation. I started getting intrusive thoughts about harming my loved ones in their sleep and it scared me so bad. I thought it would stop but it only got worse. Here I am a month later and things have changed drastically. My thoughts have now shifted to becoming some serial killer. I am so worried it’s all I think about. I can’t stop thinking about the things I did as a kid and how it could validate all my thoughts. I don’t wanna hurt anyone or anything at all. I am so scared of the thought of the notorious serial killers that I’ve heard about in the past and I can’t stop comparing myself to these horrible people. I’m scared because I used to be mean to animals as a kid and people say this is the first thing to look for in serial killers. I remember still having a lot of empathy for them when I was young too. I look back and cant at all understand why I was like that. It makes me wanna breakdown and punch myself. All of that stopped a really long time ago and every since I have done nothing but helped and empathized with animals. I am every surrounded by them and consider them to be more family than pets. I get extremely upset over anything or anyone who is suffering. I just can’t get that memory of me doing that stuff out of my head and I’m afraid it means it validates my thoughts I’ve been having even though this is not what i want to happen. I’ve been completely avoidant of alcohol and refused to take a medication I was prescribed because irritability was a side effect and I’m afraid of snapping and hurting someone. I just can’t stop thinking about my past and how it could correlate to now. Even though I have grown up to have morals and respect for everything I have a fear that it’s all been a lie. I get so much anxiety from thinking about this stuff. I haven’t eaten in almost 3 days because my stomach is in a constant knot and when I do eat I feel too guilty to do so because I’m not paying attention to these thoughts and sometimes it makes me question whether I secretly want to do bad stuff which I don’t and that scared me so bad. I made an emergency appointment right after I started having these thoughts and they diagnosed me as having schizotypal personality disorder. They said I have been having ocd “tendencies “ because I have the thoughts and constantly googling everything which I guess would be a compulsion. I have been looking on forums for people with past actions similar to mine to see other peoples reactions. I’m not sure what this is anymore. Idk if this is ocd or I’m just using it as an excuse. All I know is that I’m extremely scared. I vowed if this stuff as everything something I would even think about doing I would take myself out before I ever hurt anyone else. It’s scary but it’s what I always tell myself when I doubt any of this.
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