TW: I’m so desperate lately. I can’t sleep, eat or do anything else than feeling anxious and unworthy, full of guilt. A couple of days ago I had sex with my boyfriend and wasn’t turned on and suddenly I thought about something that would turn me on in that moment, thought of different things and suddenly I thought „Just think about children, just this one time“ and I feel like I didn’t do anything against it, I even think I enjoyed it and since then I’m full of fear because I always thought OCD means you do not have these thoughts because you want them but because you can’t control them and you do not act on them. But now I feel like I have and I can’t stop thinking I really am a pedophile now. I feel so anxious depressed and guilty and I do not know what to do, I went to my therapist today and she said it’s my POCD, but I feel like a liar, I’m feeling like maybe I don’t have POCD, I am just denying what I truly am it is horrible I don’t know what to do or think. I’m lost

Oh honey, this is just ocd. I’ve had these thoughts when being intimate with my husband. A main part of my pocd is false memories so I’ve constantly had feelings of checking or trying to ruminate during sex as well. Which made me feel worse. Please don’t despair. One time I read something on a forum that really comforted me. It said that whatever many people are aroused by in their minds, is not something they would ever carry out. Not saying you were aroused by that thought intentionally but you might have felt like it because you were in that sexual moment when the thought came along. To give perspective, some women have a fantasy of being raped at one point or another. Would they ever do such a thing or want it to actually happen to them? Of course not. Basically, thoughts and actions are separate. The difference is that we have ocd and we attach way too much meaning to our thoughts. However It is our actions around us that define us. Acceptance does not mean that we have to accept we enjoy the thoughts, because that would be very hard to accept because it is against our morals and values. Accepting means accepting that the thoughts can come and go as these please, because they are simple thoughts. Nothing else. Anything can come into our mind while we are enjoying sex. I hope this helps some. If this is affecting you so much (not eating, sleeping) try to reach out to a therapist if you haven’t already. Next time it troubles you, practice just letting the thought come and saying ok well it doesn’t mean anything it’s just a thought We are here for you

Oh never mind just reread that you said you are seeing a therapist. Excellent. Pedophiles enjoy their thoughts they don’t obsess and worry over them and especially stop eating or sleeping because of them. It is most definitely pocd

Your not ! It’s hard and I’ve been there and still at times there with you. They are thoughts that send us on wild journeys. I hate them feel sick distressed and lonely, but the more we play with the thoughts the worse they get, it will get better and you will have ups and downs along the way, as do I ! It’s an horrendous topic but it is what it is and we can get through this

Thank you for your response. I am just so afraid that something like this happens again, now it feels even harder to accept the thoughts because OCD is telling me this situation is proof that I actually enjoy them. I just don’t know how to stop thinking about it and I feel like I will never be over this, forever anxious about getting wrong feelings thoughts and emotions, acting wrong. Don’t want to do sexual stuff with myself/boyfriend any longer, I am so scared of this happening again or something else :(

Everything your describing is in your head, your not acting on your thoughts/ feelings. Hang in there it will get better.