Racism OCD. Thinking I'm a bad person and feel ashamed around POC I know this is going to sound horrible, but I've recently started to worry when I'm around POC, like im an annoyance. I didn't start to worry like this until a few months ago. I don't know what's happened. I notice myself when I'm on a walk or out in public that I'll start to feel anxiety that I'm racist. Or maybe when I see a POC I automatically assume they think I'm racist? I know I'm white and part of the systemic racism problem & that I'm privileged to be a white man. I consider myself to be a Black Lives Matter/People of Color ally. I just don't know why I'm anxious. I'm pretty sure POC around me can tell as well. I don't know why my anxiety has picked up on this. Does anyone else struggle with this?

Exactly OCD, makes you believe the opposite of the truth.

Yeah having these kinds of racist thoughts can be really difficult but they are not who you are. For me it has been helpful to remember that we live in a racist society and so it isn't our fault we have intrusive racist thoughts. Reading books like White Fragility by Robin DiAngelo have been good for normalizing this and working through it.

I'm sorry you struggle with it too. It almost feels like a cop out, like to blame it on OCD/anxiety, but I don't know, anxiety is a real thing. I'm in my late 20s and this has really picked up in light of Black Lives Matter/People of Color activism. Maybe I'm recognizing my own privilege?

@canigetawitness Or that I'm not doing enough to advocate for equality. I'm not sure, but I hate when Im anxious around this, I know I show outwardly signs of anxiety, and I don't want people to think it's because I don't like them.

@canigetawitness You’re supposed to be mindful but you shouldn’t constantly be on edge about stepping on someone’s toes or ruminating because you won’t be able to continue normally.

I probably just need to chill the freak out and stop over analyzing and just be a person.

@Serio? Nobody’s perfect. Even people who are minorities like me can be racist and do shitty things too.

@Serio? Yes, I do stay mindful, but it can go overboard.

@canigetawitness Sometimes it feels like the more mindful I am the more anxious and self conscious I get in these situations.

@Niminah Yeah, I don't know, I just feel ashamed that white people have contributed to oppression of POC.

This is happening to me too as well. It’s horrible because never in a million years would I ever discriminate someone because of the color of their skin because I too am a Latina. It happened in August and I’m barely seeking help now. It makes me have so much guilt and shame because I’m educated and I went to school. I have always supported every movement but i started to question myself and my thoughts got the best of me. I had to quit my job because my anxiety is so bad. I started to wonder if people thought I was a racist. I even confessed to my friends and they thought I was crazy. I want to apologize to every person of color because I can stop the thoughts and my best friend is biracial and I want to tell her what’s going on but I know that’s seeking reassurance. It’s so horrible. I have my appointment this Saturday.

@Anonymous I feel you. It's really hard. I certainly don't want to come off as racist, but recently my anxious mind is telling me I am . I support POC movements as well & consider myself to be an ally. I don't know why my mind is making me feel so bad. Have you found anything that's helped you with your fear? I'm sorry you're struggling with it too.

@Anonymous That's also good to hear that you have a therapy appointment! I'm glad you'll be able to speak to someone for support.

@canigetawitness No I haven’t I started talk therapy it helped a little. My therapist said that I am not my thoughts. She told me to just let the thought be there and not try to push it away but I feel so guilty when I hang out with my friend because the thoughts come in my head and I even want to tell her and appolgize but how can I if they’re my thoughts. It’s horrible.

But guess what? You've never said them. I deal with religious OCD so I deal with blasphemous thoughts often. If they bother you and you don't want them and you don't say them then just like I'm not an Atheist you aren't a Racist.

Honestly yea you might end up pushing them away with these thoughts because they could be hurtful

@Serio? Not a helpful comment lol. Hey Melody, your friends don't have to know, or you could choose to let them know you struggle with OCD and instruive thoughts 🤷‍♀️ it's up to you! I think you having friends of different races is the perfect opportunity to practise ERP in real life! You should look up some ERP examples and Prehaps ask your therapist to create a hierarchy for the ERP surrounding this topic 😊. It can seem like this will never end, but ERP is our only way out of this.

@ButterflyStar I will thanks!

Yea all I’m saying is that this is a case when the confessing compulsion could be harmful to someone else

Hey melody!! You sounds just like ME!!! idk if you are a Christian but I am a Christian and I am constantly bombarded by horrible instrusuve thoughts that I'm constantly sinning and offending God. I worried for so long, and sometimes do still, that God is punishing me (ocd thought, but still super scary).. And for the first year I had no restbite. I was very unwell, it was a traumatic time. Slowly, bit by bit, God is helping me recover through therapy and His help. It is slow, in my timing and thinking lol. And I am still very entrenched in ocd... But a lot has improved!!! Sooo much!! I honestly know how you feel so much.. Its like the only relief is when you sleep (if you can), and it feels like living is actually enduring a living Hell. Always here if you want to share what's going on!! You WILL get better!!!

I had this constant narration in my head of everything. Sometimes it's still like that but it's nothing like it once was. I used to have this running narration where everything was so oooo scary to me.. Ugh gosh it's unbelievable. Praise God I am not where I once was, by His grace!!!!!

@ButterflyStar Please pray for me. I get really sad and angry because everyone else is happy and I’m not. Also I had a question I had a memory when I was younger. There was a time where I went through a period where I used to wash my hands every 5 minutes like when I would touch something. I think I was like 10. Then I went through a time where I used to touch the door knob like 3 times before I left the house. Could I have developed OCD earlier?

@Melody 25 I was already going to pray for you 😊I will, for sure. I understand.. That is a normal feeling. I believe it will go with time.. Yes that sounds like ocd in your younger years. It's awesome that you are in therapy tho 😊👌👌

I'm sorry you're having such a tough time. Is there anyone else, apart from your family who you can talk to? If you like, you can talk to me.. I don't have social media but I can give you my email and then even WhatsApp if you use that app. But if not, I wonder is there anyone who is caring and a good listener who you could speak to? Just to offload a little.. I know looking back seems so heartbreaking. But you will come out of this period of life, totally different! You will have so much more empathy for others who struggle with it. You will be able to help people with OCD, even just by relating to them. Just take one day at a time. Don't worry about tomorrow, OK? ❤️ And what helped me sometimes was "Even hour by hour." that's all... Just getting through the next 10 minutes ❤️. You're not alone in your suffering 💟

@ButterflyStar I’m having a panic attack right now tips.

Though I think it would be ok to tell them that you are feeling anxious but not tell them the content of the anxiety. Sometimes that can be better than trying to suppress and pretend everything is fine.