- Username
- canigetawitness
- Date posted
- 3y ago
Hello, I'm black, and I'm here to tell you that OCD makes us believe things that are the complete opposite of who we are. If you are worried about being racist then more than likely you aren't.
It’s hard though I stopped living my life because of this. My anxiety level went through the roof. I thought I wasn’t worthy. I genuinely thought I was a bad person for thinking like this. I started worrying if others saw me like this. I kept trying to confess my thoughts to everyone. I lost myself and I started to question my whole life. I’m barely trying to get my life back together. It’s just because I would never say anything mean to anyone because that’s just not the type of person I am. I genuinely love people.
Exactly OCD, makes you believe the opposite of the truth.
Yeah having these kinds of racist thoughts can be really difficult but they are not who you are. For me it has been helpful to remember that we live in a racist society and so it isn't our fault we have intrusive racist thoughts. Reading books like White Fragility by Robin DiAngelo have been good for normalizing this and working through it.
It’s just hard to let go of guilt and shame. And my family doesn’t understand they think I’m just lazy. Like I’m just waistung my life away. I really want to get back with my life but my anxiety is so bad and I’m scared all the time.
It never used to be like this, but when I talk to a POC, I get anxious about what they're thinking and then I get anxious about what I'm thinking. Maybe it's white guilt knowing that white people have oppressed POC & I feel awful about that. Or maybe it's feeling like I'm not doing enough to contribute to change. This really sucks because I don't want to appear anxious when I talk to someone, I can't even really pinpoint why I feel anxious. Guilt as a collective white race probably & realizing how f'd things are.
Yeah I definitely have a similar struggle. Also a white, cisgender man. Often when I am around POC I get anxious and self-conscious, worried that I am going to say something offensive or ignorant or take up too much space. Especially when I am in activism spaces I get really anxious because I feel like I will get called out for something I don't say. I don't know if I had connected the dots to it being a part of OCD but it makes perfect sense. OCD feeds off of whatever you value most, and since it is really important to me that I not act in a racist manner, that my OCD would make me anxious that I will. Though also important to recognize that we as white people are all racist at times since we have been socialized in a racist system. Guilt and anxiety about it isn't helpful but hard to avoid.
Yeah sometimes it is hard to differentiate between white guilt/shame that a lot of white people have and what is OCD.
I have one that I feel is even worse.. I have this intrusive thought that I find black men attractive purely because they are black, so therefore I am racist. I will see a man and I start to internally check 'am I attracted to them?' and then that question itself freaks me out because I think that Prehaps deep down I only think they are good looking only because they are black, therefore, I would be racist... Oh my gosh I can't even explain it😣😣😣. I have dated some black men when I was younger and now since getting OCD my mind latches onto this horrible thought that I only dated them because they were black. Which is not true, but this thought feels sooo true 😢😢😢... I guess that's an intrusive thought by its very nature--distressing. My OCD has also given me some pretty narrow thinking about what it means to be attracted to someone. Which gives me lots of intrusive thoughts too. That I'm sexually lewd or 'easy' or promiscuous. Which is completely opposite of my true nature... But with my thought records in therapy I am able to see a little that these are just intrusive thoughts popping up. I feel scared to even post that because I fear people will really think I am racist.
Oh yea I get a ton of racist intrusive thoughts around people of other races even though I’m Latina. It’s really fucking hard and scary. I was having a hard time for a while because after I met my bf (who’s an Asian man) I started to hear so many slurs and other taboo thoughts in my head. It shifted to another obsession but this one still lurks around sometimes and causes me to be on high alert sometimes when I don’t need to be.
I'm sorry you struggle with it too. It almost feels like a cop out, like to blame it on OCD/anxiety, but I don't know, anxiety is a real thing. I'm in my late 20s and this has really picked up in light of Black Lives Matter/People of Color activism. Maybe I'm recognizing my own privilege?
@canigetawitness Or that I'm not doing enough to advocate for equality. I'm not sure, but I hate when Im anxious around this, I know I show outwardly signs of anxiety, and I don't want people to think it's because I don't like them.
@canigetawitness You’re supposed to be mindful but you shouldn’t constantly be on edge about stepping on someone’s toes or ruminating because you won’t be able to continue normally.
I probably just need to chill the freak out and stop over analyzing and just be a person.
@Serio? Nobody’s perfect. Even people who are minorities like me can be racist and do shitty things too.
@Serio? Yes, I do stay mindful, but it can go overboard.
@canigetawitness Sometimes it feels like the more mindful I am the more anxious and self conscious I get in these situations.
@Niminah Yeah, I don't know, I just feel ashamed that white people have contributed to oppression of POC.
This is happening to me too as well. It’s horrible because never in a million years would I ever discriminate someone because of the color of their skin because I too am a Latina. It happened in August and I’m barely seeking help now. It makes me have so much guilt and shame because I’m educated and I went to school. I have always supported every movement but i started to question myself and my thoughts got the best of me. I had to quit my job because my anxiety is so bad. I started to wonder if people thought I was a racist. I even confessed to my friends and they thought I was crazy. I want to apologize to every person of color because I can stop the thoughts and my best friend is biracial and I want to tell her what’s going on but I know that’s seeking reassurance. It’s so horrible. I have my appointment this Saturday.
@Anonymous I feel you. It's really hard. I certainly don't want to come off as racist, but recently my anxious mind is telling me I am . I support POC movements as well & consider myself to be an ally. I don't know why my mind is making me feel so bad. Have you found anything that's helped you with your fear? I'm sorry you're struggling with it too.
@Anonymous That's also good to hear that you have a therapy appointment! I'm glad you'll be able to speak to someone for support.
@canigetawitness No I haven’t I started talk therapy it helped a little. My therapist said that I am not my thoughts. She told me to just let the thought be there and not try to push it away but I feel so guilty when I hang out with my friend because the thoughts come in my head and I even want to tell her and appolgize but how can I if they’re my thoughts. It’s horrible.
I too struggle with this! My therapist has me at the minute writing down my thoughts in thought records - the column headings are Situation Initial thought What that thought means about me? // if that thought was true what does that mean about me? Coping strategy? What did you do to lessen the anxiety And that's my first step on the ERP scale to start looking at that. Already its been really helpful as it's given me some space between me and my thoughts, to see them on paper, and see how irrational they are. I'm not 'over' the theme or anything but it has definitely been a great starting point =)!
It’s so hard when you get racial slurs that pop in your head that makes you believe you really are. It’s so debilitating.
But guess what? You've never said them. I deal with religious OCD so I deal with blasphemous thoughts often. If they bother you and you don't want them and you don't say them then just like I'm not an Atheist you aren't a Racist.
It’s so hard I can be so happy and then the thoughts come in and I can’t control them. I have my appointment on Saturday. Any tips?
Yeah I feel for ya. It is so hard to give up trying to control thoughts compulsions and just sit with the anxiety. But you are on the right path by being on here and getting connected to a therapist!
I just feel so bad because I can’t even relax when I’m with my biracial friends because I’m in my head all day and the thoughts come. It’s like I’m not even here. I want to apologize to them but I feel like that’s reassurance and I don’t want to hurt them with my thoughts.
Honestly yea you might end up pushing them away with these thoughts because they could be hurtful
@Serio? Not a helpful comment lol. Hey Melody, your friends don't have to know, or you could choose to let them know you struggle with OCD and instruive thoughts 🤷♀️ it's up to you! I think you having friends of different races is the perfect opportunity to practise ERP in real life! You should look up some ERP examples and Prehaps ask your therapist to create a hierarchy for the ERP surrounding this topic 😊. It can seem like this will never end, but ERP is our only way out of this.
@ButterflyStar I will thanks!
Yeah I know, and I’m not that person. I would never judge any person by the color of their skin because I too am a POC. I love them I grew up with them. it just hurts me.
Yea all I’m saying is that this is a case when the confessing compulsion could be harmful to someone else
I hate this Subtype ocd because it’s something I value most. I’m seeing my therapist this Saturday and I have some hope. I hate feeling like this. I’m not living my life anymore.
Omg I understand you it totally sucks. Sometimes I lose hope. Even though my therapist says you are not your thoughts. I feel like they are and God is punishing me and I question everything I do now. I overthink. I’m scared that Everything I do is bad and God is watching me all the time. I feel like a horrible person even though I have never hurt anyone. I watch old movies and shows that I used to enjoy and I feel so guilty because the thoughts come up. I watch the election and I’m happy but that guilt brings me down. I hate myself. I don’t know why this happened to me!
Hey melody!! You sounds just like ME!!! idk if you are a Christian but I am a Christian and I am constantly bombarded by horrible instrusuve thoughts that I'm constantly sinning and offending God. I worried for so long, and sometimes do still, that God is punishing me (ocd thought, but still super scary).. And for the first year I had no restbite. I was very unwell, it was a traumatic time. Slowly, bit by bit, God is helping me recover through therapy and His help. It is slow, in my timing and thinking lol. And I am still very entrenched in ocd... But a lot has improved!!! Sooo much!! I honestly know how you feel so much.. Its like the only relief is when you sleep (if you can), and it feels like living is actually enduring a living Hell. Always here if you want to share what's going on!! You WILL get better!!!
I had this constant narration in my head of everything. Sometimes it's still like that but it's nothing like it once was. I used to have this running narration where everything was so oooo scary to me.. Ugh gosh it's unbelievable. Praise God I am not where I once was, by His grace!!!!!
@ButterflyStar Please pray for me. I get really sad and angry because everyone else is happy and I’m not. Also I had a question I had a memory when I was younger. There was a time where I went through a period where I used to wash my hands every 5 minutes like when I would touch something. I think I was like 10. Then I went through a time where I used to touch the door knob like 3 times before I left the house. Could I have developed OCD earlier?
@Melody 25 I was already going to pray for you 😊I will, for sure. I understand.. That is a normal feeling. I believe it will go with time.. Yes that sounds like ocd in your younger years. It's awesome that you are in therapy tho 😊👌👌
Thank you so much I’ve been struggling for 6 months now. I keep thinking about how happy I was last year and I get even sadder. The worst is that I can’t tell my family because they’ll think I’m dumb. I have so many dreams but I feel like I don’t deserve them. I can’t even sleep and having anxiety is horrible. I just want to be happy again.
I'm sorry you're having such a tough time. Is there anyone else, apart from your family who you can talk to? If you like, you can talk to me.. I don't have social media but I can give you my email and then even WhatsApp if you use that app. But if not, I wonder is there anyone who is caring and a good listener who you could speak to? Just to offload a little.. I know looking back seems so heartbreaking. But you will come out of this period of life, totally different! You will have so much more empathy for others who struggle with it. You will be able to help people with OCD, even just by relating to them. Just take one day at a time. Don't worry about tomorrow, OK? ❤️ And what helped me sometimes was "Even hour by hour." that's all... Just getting through the next 10 minutes ❤️. You're not alone in your suffering 💟
@ButterflyStar I’m having a panic attack right now tips.
I want to reword "like I'm an annoyance" . I don't think POC think I'm an annoyance, I just feel ashamed of my own whiteness & privelege.
I know that’s why I have so much guilt and shame.
Though I think it would be ok to tell them that you are feeling anxious but not tell them the content of the anxiety. Sometimes that can be better than trying to suppress and pretend everything is fine.
I have friends but I feel like such a burden to them. They tell me I’m not but they have lives and I don’t want to annoy them anymore. I need to be strong and want to get better. Yes I have what’s app! Also email!
Ok I sent you an email!
ive recently started seeing an individual who is a poc and its gotten me really acutely aware of my whiteness. While this is a good thing and encourages unlearning and awareness for me, it also has wreaked havoc on my harm and taboo thinking OCD. I find myself tackling a lot of racist taboo intrusive thinking and it really alarms me. I’m disturbed by these thoughts and disagree with them entirely. but although I know part of it is OCD, i also know that racism is innate in essentially all white folks, and I dont want to use my mental health as an excuse. I’ve mostly been tackling these thoughts on my own because I dont think it should be the persons responsibility, but now I worry that if I dont tell them, I am withholding information and tricking them and that I am bad for it. ive been preoccupied with it and whenever i think about it it makes me feel physically ill. I want to be honest and transparent with them, but I also want them to feel safe, and I can see these thoughts making them feel unsafe. If anyone has any advice it would be appreciated. (Preferably input from people of color willing to discuss this who feel safe/comfy engaging with me on it)
Convinced I'm a racist, even though it's the complete opposite of my morals & what I believe. - - - - - - I've currently been struggling with something that is going to make me sound like a piece of shit, even I recognize how messed up it's going to sound. Over the past couple months, I have been worrying about the proper way to interact with POC without coming across as racist. I know, this is already awful. I consider myself to be an ally who supports POC & civil rights movements. I'm ashamed of white people honestly, we've oppressed POC from the beginning of time. I'm personally ashamed of my white ethnicity. I've been even more so in the past year. I feel like my OCD has recently attached to this though. At least, I think it has, or maybe it's guilt knowing I'm white and part of systemic racism problem as a whole. When I pass a POC on the street, or in a place of business, I'll immediately start to get thoughts like "Am I coming across as rude? Am I being nice enough? Am I being too nice? Am I smiling too much? Am I smiling enough? Do I look uncomfortable? This isn't about me, so why am I anxious? Stop being so self centered. Are you appearing racist? What if this POC thinks I'm racist? That's awful to assume what they think. Stop making this about you!" And basically the entire time I'm trying to interact with someone of color, I have all this anxious dialogue in my head and I probably physically appear to be anxious, which in turn I'm sure the other person thinks "Why are they acting so tense/afraid?" It's not that I'm afraid, or dislike POC, I'm way too overly cautious, I recognize that, and it's actually coming across as racist. And I don't want to make this about me, because it's not, I can only imagine the racism POC have to endure on a daily basis. It's like my own OCD/anxiety is getting in the way. I hate it. I want to get over it. I don't know why it's coming up, but I want to get past this.
How do you open up to your therapist about very taboo OCD themes. I currently struggle with "Race OCD", always worrying if I'm coming across as racist to BIPOC. Racism is something that I find horrendous and awful. I consider myself to be an ally to BIPOC & to work and fight racism. So the fact that I'm worrying over interactions with people is complete opposite to my values. I act awkward around people, and I'm sure my anxiety is coming off as strange to people. I just don't know how to open up to my therapist about this without sounding like a piece of s***.
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